Ex H child is not my concern

[Sombrespoon]

I have been divorced for several years we have one child.
it has been acrimonious- lots of coercive behaviour on his part, no child support, changing agreements to suit himself and a couple of years ago I bit the bullet and went to family courtI which he was furious about especially as he was hauled over the coals for his behaviour towards me and our daughter.

at the point of starting to court I promised myself I would not allow him to appeal to my better character as I have done in the past- if he refuses to meet me halfway, I’m not making up for his deficit anymore kind of thing.

since final orders he has spat the dummy out big time and seen our tween twice in 8 months. However for the last couple of months he has been sending me messages asking me to organise time for our DD to spend time with another ex of his with whom he shares a five year old daughter.

to my knowledge my daughter has not spend much time with this child although knows it’s her sister and probably sees a handful of times a year.

the texts are basically asking me to do the running around dropping her off and picking her up, organising a birthday card from our daughter to his other daughter and arranging ‘suprise’ video calls to his other daughter who apparently is having a rough time at school. He forwards me emotionally charged texts from the other baby mum saying that their kid is crying for our kid etc (which I think is rubbish because they don’t really know each other that well)

the line in the sand part of me thinks none of this is anything to do with me and if he wants his kids to build a relationship he has had bloody years to do so- and if he wants to start now he needs to organise all this himself.

the part of me that is my true character thinks I should just do it to make sure the kids spend time together it’s neither of there faults that their dad is a spectacular disappointment

my daughter has been let down by her dad so much I’m worried this too will end up in disappointment and frankly I’m sick to death of picking up his slack. Anything to do with him or his family makes me cringe as they have treated me so badly over the years.

i know what the “right” thing is but AIBU to just say not my problem?

I like this. A brisk, unsentimental tespinse is the safest and best for you, OP and for your dd. Right niw you correctly see that he is weaponizing the sisters’ relationship against tou. In the future he will use it against your daughter. Never let your abuser kniw hiw he can hurt you ir what you value.

He doesn't care about the kids having a relationship, if he did he would do the necessary. He is using this as a way to upset you because he knows your family history. The relationship between you is not good any more enmeshment that needs be does not help you or the kids.

Unless the other mother is on board and wants to facilitate this even if the ex is missing - I wouldn't.

DN has step brother and half siblings she doesn't now - think it just causes more upset for her.

I might be reading too much into this but it sounds like the other child is having a hard time with school/friendships/emotions and either they or their Mum has fixed onto the idea that your daughter is the solution as she’s related so would make a reliable friend. This is unlikely to be the magical solution they seem to think it is and definitely not in the best interests of your DD.

Not sure of the ages of the 2 children involved, your daughter and his other child, but my immediate thought, cynical, perhaps, is he can see his older daughter as a potential free babysitter soon

Don't get involved with this in any way.

He's trying to pull you in with the tear jerking story so that you will carry all the emotional and practical load of any relationship between the children.

Also, when it all goes tits up, which it inevitably will, you will bear the emotional brunt for you and your child.

Stick to your guns, keep that promise you made to yourself, don't let him pull you into the chaos of his needs and responsibilities.

Personally I would do it however I completely understand why you're not and you don't have to justify it.

So he's trying to get one over you by getting you to do the donkey work.

Politely decline and store all his texts for when you next go to court as you certainly will. Unless your DD actively wants to see her half sister, sit back and let him fume.

If you want, it may be an idea to contact the girl's mum and arrange phone calls to begin with. Or let the girls sort something out when adults. BTW dad is guaranteed to disappoint his daughter: he's already pissed off at least 2 grown women.

The way around it is for you to have contact with the other child's mother and to ignore him completely.

Some children who share the same shit father do it that way.

Then once one of the children reaches secondary age they facilitate contact with the younger child's mother directly.

Then when both are secondary age the mothers don't contact each other any more.

You are right in that it isn't your responsibility to sort this. And sorry for all you have gone through with this useless excuse or a man.

How old is your dd? If she is, say, 10 or older, I think I would ask her what she wanted with regards to the relationship with her sister. If she wants to pursue it, I would help to the extent of taking her to Card Factory, giving her £1 for a card, helping her get the postage sorted, that kind of thing. And if the half-sister's mom seems ok, maybe let her your dd have her number so she can send the odd text to her little sister IF she wants to. (If your dd has her own phone).

If she especially wants to visit the family, I would potentially be willing to drop her off, if it isn't too massive a journey for you.

But I wouldn't be pushing any of this unless it was something my daughter explicitly wanted, to the extent that she was pursuing it herself (as much as a child of her age can). Does that make sense? And I still don't think you should go to massive expense or inconvenience to arrange it - that's her father's job really.

Good luck.

My response would depend on whether your daughter 1. Wanted a relationship with her father and 2. Wanted a relationship with her sibling but not dad.

Scenario 1 - "No Barry, it is not my job to facilitate a relationship between Annie and Brenda. You can do that during your court ordered contact time if you ever fancy showing up"

Scenario 2 - "No Barry, it is not my job to facilitate a relationship between Annie and Brenda". Then liaise with siblings mum and cut Barry out of the equation. I imagine you and her probably have some similar notes to compare!

My message would be far more brutal: ‘We are no longer married and this is nothing to do with me. Get off your arse and organise contact between YOUR children yourself’.

I read this as you have a tween and he has a 5 year old..... In my experience the tween will not be interested in the 5 year old who will still seem like a baby to a tween. It's not yours or your DDs problem if a 5 year old who you have barely met is having problems at school - that's on her parents.

Stay strong - if your DD wants to form a relationship with her half sibling further down the line then you can facilitate it. But now just tell him to pass off using one of the fabulous messages from PPs!

Ha ha ha ha ha, no. You want your kids to meet up, you sort it.

Don’t be a doormat!

@Trickabrick 's response is the way to go I think.

Wow. Absolutely not.

I did this for my DS and his half sister on occasion. Arranged phone calls, had sleepovers, play dates, or took him to hers, etc. But I did this because my ex was decent and did what he should have.

Not a chance I'd be saddling myself with any of it just so he didn't have to.

OP, you say that you know what the 'right' thing is.

The right thing is that if he wants his two daughters to meet and develop a relationship then it's his responsibility to organise it during his visitation times.

This is nothing to do with you, you are not responsible for what happens with his other daughter.

Please don't be guilt tripped into getting involved in this; buying birthday cards for his daughter fgs, bloody cheek.

You're doing the right thing by looking after your own daughter. His daughter is not your responsibility.

OP I hope that reading all of these messages has strengthened your resolve and confirmed to you that your instincts are 100% correct.

Come back and read these messages whenever he's 'getting to you' and take heart from them.

OP you are doing a great job, no need to doubt yourself at all. Stay strong in the face of all his crap.

This. Not your circus and all... but as parents we do many things we'd rather not do because they would benefit our children.

He's a shit parent so you can't rely on him doing anything, but if the other mum is ok and you feel being in contact with her half-sister would benefit your child, contact the other mum directly and discuss what you are prepared to offer - birthday cards sent to each other? A monthly meet-up alternating between yours and hers? A very occasional day out together? What would work for you and your DD?

Take him out of the picture entirely.

The right thing to do is whatever is in the custody orders.

Any contact initiated by your ex please reference the custody order and ask when he intends having contact time with your child in accordance with the custody order.

Ignore everything else and don’t engage.

Agree with this

Sorry, changed views as read the ages wrong before. If there is a large age gap, I can't imagine that your DD is going to want to spend much time with a 5yo at present. That might change as young adults when they can manage their relationship themselves. Given that your focus is your DD, I wouldn't have thought she'd want to do much more than send the occasional card.

I’m not sure what side of the fence I come down on.

100% it is your husband’s responsibility to nurture the relationship between his two DC.

In your shoes I would follow your daughter’s lead. If she wants to see her sister, help her facilitate that as you would play dates and gifts for school friends.

My own dad was controlling and badly behaved during the divorce from my mum, and to really get over that you need to not let him factor into your decision making. If you act out of feelings towards him, you are giving him too much headspace.

Not doing something for your DD because he should be doing it is giving him priority over your daughter. I say that kindly as it takes a long to realise fighting back is different to winning.

This is me as well. I would do it, because I think it is messy and confusing for children to know they have siblings and not see them. I'd want to facilitate that for my kid. But I think you have to be guided by what you want and what your kid wants, not random orders from your controlling and lazy ex.

You are right. Tell you and dd are willing to be friends (if that is true) but it is up to him to organise it himself. Don't take any more crap.