Ex H child is not my concern

[Sombrespoon]

I have been divorced for several years we have one child.
it has been acrimonious- lots of coercive behaviour on his part, no child support, changing agreements to suit himself and a couple of years ago I bit the bullet and went to family courtI which he was furious about especially as he was hauled over the coals for his behaviour towards me and our daughter.

at the point of starting to court I promised myself I would not allow him to appeal to my better character as I have done in the past- if he refuses to meet me halfway, I’m not making up for his deficit anymore kind of thing.

since final orders he has spat the dummy out big time and seen our tween twice in 8 months. However for the last couple of months he has been sending me messages asking me to organise time for our DD to spend time with another ex of his with whom he shares a five year old daughter.

to my knowledge my daughter has not spend much time with this child although knows it’s her sister and probably sees a handful of times a year.

the texts are basically asking me to do the running around dropping her off and picking her up, organising a birthday card from our daughter to his other daughter and arranging ‘suprise’ video calls to his other daughter who apparently is having a rough time at school. He forwards me emotionally charged texts from the other baby mum saying that their kid is crying for our kid etc (which I think is rubbish because they don’t really know each other that well)

the line in the sand part of me thinks none of this is anything to do with me and if he wants his kids to build a relationship he has had bloody years to do so- and if he wants to start now he needs to organise all this himself.

the part of me that is my true character thinks I should just do it to make sure the kids spend time together it’s neither of there faults that their dad is a spectacular disappointment

my daughter has been let down by her dad so much I’m worried this too will end up in disappointment and frankly I’m sick to death of picking up his slack. Anything to do with him or his family makes me cringe as they have treated me so badly over the years.

i know what the “right” thing is but AIBU to just say not my problem?

This isn’t your problem. If he wasn’t so shit it wouldn’t even be a problem.

Hard no, but I would keep an open and ongoing conversation with your daughter about it. At some point she may ask your advice about facilitating a relationship with her sibling. Maybe every 6 months or so, bring it up, check in with her about it, ask her how she's feeling and let her know you're 100% fine with talking about it and supporting her in her choice.

He can and should organise and facilitate all of this.

It's not your responsibility.

Great response from PP but I'd change it slightly to say

"dear ex, I'm very happy for DD to have a relationship with her half sister and I'm sorry to hear half sis is having a hard time at school. If you would like to organise things such as trips, cards or calls you are more than welcome do so according to the contact schedule (or whatever arrangements they are) and I'll make sure DD is available of course. "

Actually he didn’t see her at Christmas, he was “busy” apparently…..

Do you have a relationship with your child's sibling's mum? If she's someone you could work with and you think you're daughter would benefit, I'd arrange something, but if not stay well away. Your daughter can make her own decision about reestablishing contact when she's an adult.

I’d reply, “I really don’t know why you’re involving me. I’ve no issue with them having a relationship so you don’t need to ask. Go ahead and sort it out on your time. I’m not doing it and it has nothing to do with me.”

Then just keep sending it to anything he sends back.

Ignore. You’re not separating her. He is. He didn’t facilitate anything before either, did he? Ignore, ignore, ignore. He is absolutely not interested in either child. He’s winding you up.

It’s wife work, innit?

He wants you to do the emotional labour and running about as he thinks it’s for women to do.

I think your instinct that this will end badly for your DD if you get involved is right. It won't do either child any damage to not have a relationship. I know, I do not have a relationship with some of my half siblings, at the end of the day, it's just not important. But what's going to be damaging is a flaky father who cannot be bothered to maintain a relationship with his children. Staying out of it may encourage him to actually see your DD, or it won't, but I wouldn't feel bad about not facilitating the relationship yourself.It's not that big a deal, and it's not your responsibility. Children of crap fathers are all too aware it's the father at fault.

Honestly, I would be royally pissed off. I would reply sharply every time ‘I agree a good dad would make sure his kids get to know each other on his contact time. It is a real a shame for <dd> that you won’t do that, she will know one day what you’ve denied her.’ I’d save it in notes to send again and again.

Why would you even consider taking that on? It’s completely within his power to facilitate the relationship and is an emotional and logistical burden that is not yours to bear.

I’d reply “DD remains available for your scheduled contact time and I have no objections to this being used to build a relationship with her sister. However, you will need to facilitate this, in the same way I facilitate DD’s relationships with my side of the family”.

He's a massive prick
You are not his support human
PPs had a great responses

I’d be tempted to message back ‘this is a YOU problem’. Because it is.

How old is your daughter and whats here view on the subject?

I haven't read all the replies only OP's one's.

I wouldn't do his running around for him but just let him know he's more than welcome to do as his Ex suggests.

Once you start I'd wonder at how long it'll be before the message change to "Ex's DD had such fun with our DD today and wondered if she could sleep over at yours."

I wouldn't even reply.

Who the hell does he think he is, telling you what to do when he rarely sees his own daughter? Disgraceful man. Don't pander to him at all.

This is good. Short, clear, to the point.

If he responds with more nonsense or emotive crap, reply "I have nothing further to say on this subject."

I think you need to ignore your ex's demands, as it's another way to get to you. However, your DD does have a half sibling. Possibly ensure that you have direct contact details for her and her mum, so that the children have a way of contacting each other should they wish as they grow up.
Having watched programmes such as long lost family, sometimes these connections are really important.

I wouldn't do any of this at his behest/request/demand. But if (now or at some future point) your daughter is asking to see or stay in touch with her half sister and your ex isn't arranging it, I'd consider stepping in and facilitating something. I'd leave your ex out of the loop - he had his chance to be involved and failed to carry through. It would be different if the other child were still with her dad, but since she's not it's fine for you to arrange things directly with her mother if that works for you both.

@Sombrespoon The “right “ thing to do is say no
This man is a massive let down and is trying to use you even more so everyone can’t see the mess he is.

Say no mean no and stuck to it !

If also change my number he can emaip
you . After all twice in 8 months you say . Why does he need your number . Untill he steps up leave him where he is . On the outside .

Hmm I’m on the fence, absolutely not your circus, and I would refuse to do anything this useless bloke demanded of me. However I would do things your daughter wants, would you like to call your sister? If she says yes then make a quick call, if she doesn’t then nope. Let it be led by her wants, not his. Just think about the future, what if in years to come dd says why didn’t I see my sister, yes you can say daddy was hopeless but you can say at the time your weren’t keen on calling etc. cuz if she wants to build a bond and you don’t help it will be daddy is dreadful but mummy wouldn’t help me when I wanted her to help me call…

Presumably he’s as useless a dad to the other kid too…

Don't let him! Just tell him to fuck right off! It's more of his stupid game-playing to control you and you would be mad to let him. Concentrate on your DD and ignore the waster!