Working mums (of more than 1) are selfish

[Drearymee]

Is a line a heard today at a birthday party for my eldest (5). Most of the mums don’t work or work part time and were waxing lyrically how selfish it is for mums of more than 1 to be working FT. Lines such as ‘you only get the time once’ ‘you miss so much’ ‘ a career can wait’ ‘mums like that are a bit selfish, especially with more than one’

i pointed out I work FT out of necessity, but it’s probably more priorities (we have relatively high expenses). Mums got a bit sheepish then.

is this a commonly held belief; I honestly felt so judged.

i can’t work out if it was actual pure judgement for working mums or maybe justifying a choice/ decision not to work professionally speaking?

i don’t know I’d never go around judging a mum for not working or going part time. You do you. Is this a commonly held belief?

deep down do you think it’s selfish of mums of young kids to work, esp when you don’t ’have to’?

I worked full time as a single mother with 4 children. I stayed home on and off when the first 3 were little (3 under 3) but went back when I became a single parent when pregnant with our 4th. It was HARD. But I'm so glad I did.
I think I got the balance right and set a good example for them, especially my girls.
My children helped out, age appropriately, and that wasn't negotiable. We were a team and we all had responsibilities. Not doing everything FOR them was a positive and they knew that if they ever needed me, I would be there to help. Same with school. I didn't have a lot to do with the schools, not my thing anyway. Never wanted to hang around at the gate and be overinvolved with everything going on. My children did know, however, that if there was something important to them, I would be there no matter what. Never missed a sports match, always available to take them places and we always had dinner together around the table every night. Depending on who was cooking, some were better than others 😆
THey were dream teens, well one was a little challenging, but always, always respectful of me and others. Happy, outgoing children, now adults who absolutely adore me. I had no choice but to work but I'm glad I did. I bought the house from my ex, helped out my young adults at times and am super proud of the people they are.
What I never did was listen to others. If you want to stay home, go for it. I don't care but don't bother telling me how 'bad' it is for me to work. Or that 'research' says... when you clearly weren't interested in the breast v bottle 'research' 🙄
To be clear, I don't care what others do, there is just a lot of hypocrisy in the judging and whispering that does happen

Don’t know that selfish is the right word, many ft working mums may not be doing it out of choice, but back in our nursery days I did used to feel a bit sorry for the children who were there mon-Fri 8am-6am - I had enough guilt putting mine in for 3 days per week. It may be different if they’re in a setting with someone that loves them eg grandparents at least one of the 5 days.

For me working pt was a great choice (but also financially a necessity) as being away from the kids, using my brain and not being just mummy all day long meant I was a much better mum to them on the days I was at home, and valued my time with them more. I think if one parent can afford to work part-time (or stay at home if they want to) then that’s ultimately going to be better for the child than a five days a week in childcare, assuming the home environment is a good one.

There's nothing wrong with a small baby in nursery. I was amazed at the things they did with mine. They were painting and crafting from when they were tiny. They had huge kitchen toys with loads of accessories - mine loved those! They had outdoor play which went far beyond anything I'd have ever provided for them! Don't knock it until you've tried it!

I had to work p/t due to being a lone parent and having multiple children, some with special needs. I am now f/t in a min wage job but I wouldn’t change the time I spent with my kids for a fat salary now at all. It’s up to an individual what they decide is best for them and their family, I find people sneering at the mum’s who stayed at home and have lower pensions, wages etc now just as judgmental 🤷🏼‍♀️. Just do what’s right for you.

Ours was 7.30-6 but there was no way mine would ever have been in a 7.30, it was usually closer to 9 lol! In fact, my eldest decided not to go to nursery at all until their favourite, main carer, started at 9am!

I think the nursery staff get attached to the children too. Mine definitely did. I recall being asked to contribute to/get involved in something, don't remember what now, and being told that the staff were "only asking the nice parents"!!

TBH I’ve never heard anyone who actually had career options say anything like that.

These types are typically quite happy to turn up to an emergency dept and find it staffed - mostly by working parents.

They’re also fine with their husbands working. Working parents are perfectly acceptable to them when we’re meeting their needs one way or another.

Agree with this. I’m a stay home mum at the moment (due to our circumstances). I don’t think it’s selfish to work full time. I also bristle a bit at the posts saying that working provides a good example to kids because the inference is that those who choose to stay at home are not providing a good example. There are benefits and disadvantage for both working full time, working part time and staying at home. People are just trying to do their best and to disparage their decisions (whether it is working or staying at home) is not helpful.

Do what you think is right and let others preferences wash over you. Its their preference not yours ans thats fine. I have 5 daughters and work, who knows if life would have been better if I hadn't but I think it brings balance to us. The girls look forward to seeing me, hearing about my day and seeing my work.

Just smile and let them voice their thoughts, be confident in your life choices noone really knows how life would be if a different route was chosen.

I never get people who talk like this in a social gathering. It shows how much of a bubble they live in. Wait till it pops.

I'm a SAHM but I would never judge a working mum.

My own mum was a working mum and I know my parents made that decision so they could give us the best life possible.

I was proud of the fact my mum worked, she had a senior role in a male dominated profession and actually was the higher earner.

I was never going to set the world alight career wise so it's made sense for me to stay at home and I'm so grateful I can.

The only time I hear the mum bashing is on here, thankfully never in real life.

I'm a retired psychotherapist and counsellor. It's not an absolute truth but whenever a client said to me "I feel judged' it rang alarm bells that they were judging themselves with all the commensurate guilt and blame.

Is that the case here - are you worrying about your own choices? If so, don't. You made the best possible choice you could for you and your child at the time. Don't question yourself based on other people's circumstances.

I’ve never ever heard this publicly / irl - maybe once or twice on here when people fancy a goady thread or are perhaps making up a situation as they feel guilty and need comfort/validation of their situation from the responses they know they will get.

It’s mainly the other way round as you can see by the responses to your thread - as in people slagging off stay at home Mums. Heard this publicly loads and on seen on here loads. Again to comfort guilt/help validate their choices where they perhaps have one.

Well done for challenging.

From all the research and from what i have experienced personally I agree with what GoodVibes has said. An 18 month doesnt give a shit about you setting a good example I always laugh when I see this response. But so many people cant do that thats life.

My friend tried telling me my sibling was selfish for having a successful, demanding career, as she has 3 DC.
She said something like does her husband had to pick up the slack of the lack of emotional connection she has with her DC.
She doesn't know my sister, but jumped straight to the conclusion that she had a distant relationship with her sons because of her work.
I was (fuming) really surprised by this, as it is such an illogical assumption. I politely (her children were in the car) explained that she and her husband work as a team to raise their sons.
Ugh. I hate people.

My sister worked full time when her children were young. I didn’t when mine were . We didn’t judge each other just realised that our circumstances were different.

So females' sole purpose in life is to grow up breed and raise children and spend 8 hours a day doing housework? So their daughters go on to do the same

Notice they don't criticize dads for working. It's always only the mom. The internalized misogyny is strong with those women. I call them parenting nazis. They take pride is demeaning moms who aren't like them and feeling superior to them.
They're a nasty, petty bunch of mean girl bitches.

That made me smile.

There's nothing wrong with that and it's a good use of a life to raise a child

Also a mum who works full time. I’ve never thought of mums who work full time selfish, more that those who work part time are lucky. I wish I had the opportunity to work part time

My mum started teaching and put all three of us kids through university.
They couldn’t afford it on my dad’s salary.

If that’s not selfless I don’t know what is.

More judgmental trope thrown at women. This is so tiresome & typical. We are damned if we do, damned if we don’t. And it’s sad to see a fair bit of this coming from other women. Parenting is extremely hard and we need to do it however we can- for some that means working longer hours to earn more. Can as n we please stop with this boring criticism and start supporting each other. The only time we need to call someone out is if they are harming the child.

It’s mainly the other way round as you can see by the responses to your thread - as in people slagging off stay at home Mum

I haven't seen it at all on this thread. What I have seen is slagging off the attitudes shown by the women in the OP's OP.

An 18 month doesnt give a shit about you setting a good example I always laugh when I see this response

Hilarious. But the older child looking back can do.

I'm not 100% sure which way is "YABU" and which way is "YANBU". I voted YABU based on your title and the question "deep down do you think it’s selfish of mums of young kids to work, esp when you don’t ’have to’?" even though it's pretty clear from your post that you are (correctly) in disagreement with the weapons-grade misogyny of both.

If you're still in doubt, let me rephrase the question in a reasonable and egalitarian way:

Working parents (of more than 1) are selfish

Is a line a heard today at a birthday party for my eldest (5). Most of the parents don’t work or work part time and were waxing lyrically how selfish it is for parents of more than 1 to be working FT. Lines such as ‘you only get the time once’ ‘you miss so much’ ‘ a career can wait’ ‘parents like that are a bit selfish, especially with more than one’

i pointed out I work FT out of necessity, but it’s probably more priorities (we have relatively high expenses). Parents got a bit sheepish then.

is this a commonly held belief; I honestly felt so judged.

i can’t work out if it was actual pure judgement for working parents or maybe justifying a choice/ decision not to work professionally speaking?

i don’t know I’d never go around judging a parent for not working or going part time. You do you. Is this a commonly held belief?

deep down do you think it’s selfish of parents of young kids to work, esp when you don’t ’have to’?

I believe parenting is the most judegmental situation anyone can and will have opnions on.
I love working.
I could say the amount of people who say i could work part, yeah i like a standard of living amongst my choices of living
Why do i need to be home when everyone else isnt.
I now have the joy of a adaptable workplace so times are changing.
Some of us are also not first time parents.
Smile. Let her staying in her bubble.