Working mums (of more than 1) are selfish

[Drearymee]

Is a line a heard today at a birthday party for my eldest (5). Most of the mums don’t work or work part time and were waxing lyrically how selfish it is for mums of more than 1 to be working FT. Lines such as ‘you only get the time once’ ‘you miss so much’ ‘ a career can wait’ ‘mums like that are a bit selfish, especially with more than one’

i pointed out I work FT out of necessity, but it’s probably more priorities (we have relatively high expenses). Mums got a bit sheepish then.

is this a commonly held belief; I honestly felt so judged.

i can’t work out if it was actual pure judgement for working mums or maybe justifying a choice/ decision not to work professionally speaking?

i don’t know I’d never go around judging a mum for not working or going part time. You do you. Is this a commonly held belief?

deep down do you think it’s selfish of mums of young kids to work, esp when you don’t ’have to’?

No I'm pretty sure I was replying to your post but sure it doesn't matter!

Have you spent much time on MN??

I would argue that parents that have children and refuse to work so all the children ever know is poverty is more selfish. I know several women that have had children for the benefit money.

I don’t think it is a commonly held belief. There can’t be that many people who are stupid enough not to understand that other people need to work in order to earn money to support themselves and their families.
Thankfully I have literally never heard anyone saying this type of bollocks irl, I only ever read it on here.

I gave up with my first to TTC - didn't know what I later learned!! - and my GP told me to give up with my 2nd because my asthma was bad and I needed steroids. I was wiser with my 3rd and refused!! The little shit self-weaned at 20 months and I was so sad!!

I actually do too. But I don't think a small baby doing long days with a childminder, nanny or grandparent is bad. It's more than nurseries aren't the right environment for very small babies in my personal opinion, not that I think mums/dads shouldn't work

Did you mean me? As the ‘evidence’ is quite clearly presented in that link - just wondering why you don’t believe it? Is it just easier to not think about it?

Well we seem to agree on our points that for our lives nursery and /or childcare has been beneficial to our children, I think?

Did they actually admit that to you ?

Because I’d need to read it properly, but I find the premise problematic, as it’s to basically shame mothers.

eitherway it doesn’t apply to me so it’s of little interest as mine started after 1 year

I'm not convinced of this TBH. I'd like to believe that BF is good for their health but I don't know! My three were as I said above breastfed long-term and they have always been ridiculously healthy, hardly ever sick, which was a mercy when trying to work FT. However my sister breastfed her two long-term as well and they seemed to always be sick! I know it's ancedotal but I wonder. None of mine ever had an ear infection - the youngest did aged 20 for the first time. They never had V&D infections etc.

In terms of intelligence - although mine are all intelligent, my sister's two are actually more academic than any of mine!?

This actually makes me feel a lot better. I hate my 18 month old going to childcare and worry about it damaging her all the time...

She skips in btw, is happy, confident, made friends with the other kids and well ahead of her milestones. I don't know why I feel so guilty. But I also earn a good wage, and I feel like it's important to keep that up

And surely those other women live in the same general area with similar house prices.

Yes, absolutely. I look at the adult children of family and friends, most of whom had some paid childcare, a couple who had grandparents, my one friend who was a SAHM, some of whom were breastfed, some of whom were bottlefed and I really don't see any difference.

The consistent theme I see among all of us as parents is that we were present in terms of quality, supportive, encouraging, caring - we taught them good values, and we embraced their education. Those are the things that make children into good human beings, not whether they were in childcare or not!!

@NotSoHotMess24 @adriftinadenofvipers interestingly a lot of the studies showing better immunity for breastfed kids is from developing countries where they didn't have proper sanitation for bottle fed babies - no sterilisation etc, so they got way less sick.

If you actually look at studies in developed nations like the UK there's not a link with breastfeeding babies/toddlers getting less sick than bottle fed ones. It's just down to the child

No kidding. Even this thread about how judging other mothers is horrible and rude has generated several responses judging other mothers.

Think I’m going to log out and be done with Mumsnet for a while, actually. There’s always something interesting happening on this site, but a lot of it is perniciously negative.

Honestly please don't feel bad! I remember the first day I left my 5 month old in to go back to work, and I was so upset, I took a wrong turning and don't know where I ended up!! That baby is a confident, outgoing adult, empathetic, caring and generous. Degree in MFL, and postgrad, teaches in a secondary school, and seems to be very popular. It won't damage her, absolutely not!

Shallow, insecure people will find reasons to bitch about other people. I am a full time working mum of more than 1. Its a necessity as my husband is disabled. But also a career as I have a really great career and have put my blood sweat and tears into it. My kids are in school from 9 to 3.30 anyway. Everyone can do what they like, if anyone wants to bitch about what I do then I would suggest they get a life of their own then they wouldnt have time to sit around nattering about me.

I think it is sad that parents who want to stay home are now unable to due to cost of living and the attitude of society that working is best. Working isn’t best if it’s a menial job you hate and the whole wage just pays childcare fees.

I do believe women should have the option to work full time if that is best but only if they get something positive from it. Working just to stay on the treadmill because we’re made to feel bad if we don’t is the wrong attitude from society, children do better at home with a responsive care giver under the age of three.

That makes a lot of sense to me, yet it's sold as one of the benefits!

Fortunately I didn't do it for that reason - it just worked for me, and I enjoyed it, and as I said, my children were rarely ever sick! I do think it was probably just the luck of the draw tbh.

It has literally never occurred to me not to work, before or after becoming a parent, the same as I imagine it has never occurred to my husband.

Load of bollocks. They’d probably be hitting the rosé a bit. Feel free to ignore them. Bet no one said the dads are selfish for working full time did they?

So reading this thread, whybarw the most judgey, sanctimonious comments from SAHMs, what is it about women who have careers and families that you have a problem with? Becuase I guarantee that you can not tell in a group of adults who's mother stayed at home and who didn't, as long as you raise children to adult hood, feed, clothe, educate and love them then you have done your job. All this crap about children needing the prinary caregiver only is rubbish. Plenty of absolute delinquent adults are raised by mothers who stayed at home and plenty of happy successful adults are raised by working mothers, and vice versa.

I do live for the day where men themselves and society as a whole, see having a child as equal responsibility. Probably not in my lifetime. I've done my bit for womankind by telling my son that a DC is a joint investment and fathers should put equal effort in.
A debate like this shouldn't exist, a parent can reduce their hours if they so wish, but it isn't mandatory, and to not do is fine. I suspect in future it will become the norm for both parents to work for economic necessity.
The party mums were just trying to justify their desire to not work, but it's their issue if they feel justification is necessary.

most nurseries here are until 7, otherwise how would parents ever manage to work?

Other options are childminders, or nannies.

If you start another thread about (older) children in boarding school seeing their parents at the weekend, it would be an uproar.