To not support 17 year old DS in getting a car?

[TrickStan]

DH and DS are both badgering me about getting him driving for his 17th birthday. I completely disagree.

We’ve costed lessons, a cheap but decent car and insurance and it is already looking at around £7k. Although we do have that money, we are currently also trying to redecorate and redo areas of our house and garden, we aren’t quite sure of costings yet.

My main issue with it, aside from the up front cost, is that I do not want to fund the ongoing costs of another car. We already have two between DH and I, and I can already foresee DS coming to us asking for petrol money, insurance, MOT, servicing, repairs (which let’s face it, on an older car is quite likely!) I didn’t get a car until I had a proper ‘adult’ job, had left education and could afford all costs. I’ve said he could do lessons and his test, then think about a car once he’s finished college but he’s moaning.

Their solution is that DS will get a job. But, as I’ve explained to them both, he might find keeping a job and doing his A Levels plus social life a struggle… also all of his earnings would be going on the car! When I pointed this out to DH, he said that DS can just sell the car if he can’t afford it, which I think is ridiculous and will only lead to DS being more upset than if he hadn’t had the car in the first place.

AIBU to think a car for most 17 year olds is pretty silly? We do not live rurally. We are within walking distance of a train and we have access to buses. Plus we have never been tight about giving him / his friends lifts.

I did not learn until I was 21. I somehow managed a social life in the suburbs. My DH tells me it was different for him.
He wanted independence. That was the key to his teen years. Cycling to many places. Bought a motorbike the week he was 16.
Why not go for the motorbike option with good tuition.
Neither of our DC can ride m/bikes. DS taught to drive in military.

He does intend to go to university, another reason I think to revisit the car idea when he’s finished education and has a job. Nobody I know has children with a car at university.

I’m quite happy to fund the lessons and test. What we cannot afford comfortably is the ongoing costs of running a (third) car.

As for the poster who said we ‘owe’ our DS a car, what entitled, brat behaviour. No wonder there are so many behavioural issues in secondary schools if these are genuine expectations (I read the MN post about droves of teachers leaving recently).

DS isn’t trapped to the house without a car. He has legs, buses and trains, all of which he’s used with success for years.

Our youngest two (twins) passed 2 months ago. Insurance was £1,800 and £1,900.

Having a car bought at 17 has become another one of these ridiculous 'must do' parenting things like a trip to Disneyworld or an iPhone at age 8. I hate the whole 'back in my day' thing but my parents funded lessons and that was it. I bought a car when I was 23, working, and could afford it myself. I'll be taking the same stance with my DC.

My son has a job and bought his his car and insurance after saving since he turned 16. This will come to about 4k with the 3 different types of insurance, plus car. The ongoing insurance seems to be around 1300.

We are buying lessons though.

So it is in expensive thing to do but I do think it opens up his job prospects .

I'm really glad he has a job it's great life experience.

We contributed to ds' driving lessons and he borrows our second car, a very old Renault. He also has a part-time job at a restaurant and pays for his own petrol.

I don't think you should stop him getting a car, but I agree you shouldn't be expected to fund it completely. There must be a reasonable compromise to be had. I'd absolutely want to see him working before he gets a car as they are expensive to run.

You’re absolutely right. Suppose it takes him a year or two to pass anyway? What a waste of money at this stage. He can’t drive!

We helped our dd to get her licence, could practice in our car and went halves on a banger. We matched what she saved and the whole amount had to include insurance. This was AFTER she passed.

My daughter is 18, we paid for her all of her lessons, theory tests (3) and practical tests (4) but we can’t afford the ongoing cost of a car for her. We told her we would help with the cost of buying a car when she’s working and can run the car herself. She didn’t want to work while studying, fine but no car! She’s not happy but it’s tough she needs to learn that she has to work for things in life.

Your DS needs a job especially if going to uni. How will he afford uni otherwise unless you are paying for all of that too?

Fund some lessons and the first test.

You don't need to think about a car until he's passed and by then he'll have some savings and can go halves with you on car/insurance.

He needs to learn to pay his was as a young adult

I lived in Wales and passed my test 1 month after I turned 17 as transport was dire

Still is. (See other posts.)

I’m in my mid-40s and was the only one to buy my own car at 17. This isn’t a new thing.

We already have 3 cars - a sports car, a sports SUV and a little runaround. We’ll replace the runaround before DD is 17 and that will be “hers”. It will be a manual so she gets to do hill starts before the scourge of the automatic only cars starts.

Driving is more than a functional thing for us. #Petrolheads

If you resent it don't do it.

I was happy to make sure my kids left the family home able to drive and considered it part of my job as a parent really.

I paid for the driving licence and lessons, not the car.

Stop controlling and infantilising your son. He is almost an adult - let him make some adult decisions.

We gifted ours driving lessons and tests for their 17th birthdays, paying however much it took to get that precious license. And gifted insured, taxed, MOTd, but not new, ready to go cars for their 18th, they got it early if they were ready. But had to work to pay for the fuel though. But we could afford to do that and both agreed it was an important skill. That wasn’t the case for all of their friends. Some had to self fund because parents wouldn’t or couldn’t help. Some had brand new, with personal number plate, cars gifted to them. Views and funds vary widely in this. Ours were very appreciative of what we did for them.

I also said to mine, if its too expensive sell it! Why would you be so rigid about it?

Having a licence is freedom and flexibility - I know two people in work who don’t drive and it really impedes their ability to do things (and they are in their late 20s to mid-30s). My mum bought me 12 lessons for my 17th birthday present and I passed after about three months. She told me I could share the family car if (a) I paid for the difference in insurance and (b) I helped out with lifts for her and my sister. I’d had a weekend job since I was 15 so had saved up for the insurance. She mainly paid the fuel to start with as I was running her and my sister around. It was hands down the best thing I could have done for myself. Bought my own car about three years later. I ended up living in London for a decade and didn’t drive there as lived centrally, and when I moved out of the city I just picked it up again as if I’d never stopped. It’s genuinely a useful lifeskill.

Just had this with DSS, only difference is he's gone straight into full time work and got all his lessons etc were paid for through this. His first year of insurance was £3.5k, he saved his himself and paid for it up front. That was however for the car he really wanted (Corsa of course). He paid for part of the car upfront, we paid the rest and he's paying us back monthly. I would look at Toyota Aygo and Hyundai i10, you could pick a decent aged one up for 4-5k and came out the cheapest to insure insurance also dropped quite a bit at 18. If he's happy to work and pay for it then I don't see an issue, but I would put off getting a car and insuring until he's 18.

Where do you live?
DD was at Private school at 17 and even there most of the kids her age and over didn't have their own car

We paid for lessons for DC1 although it's taken 5 years, 3 theory tests and 8 practical tests to pass. There's been a lot of disruption in that time, the first driving instructor became ill and couldn't drive for 6 months, there's been Covid and DC has been away to university, completed a masters and spent 5 months abroad. We bought a car initially but sold it as it was just sitting unused most of the time. We've spent thousands.

DC2 has seen all this unfold and decided not to have lessons until after university.

YANBU OP! Having a car is a privilege not a right
He definitely needs to pass his test but doesn't need a car. You haven't mentioned why he can't drive either of yours - are they both big and powerful?

The timeline also doesn't make sense. He's soon to be 17. You have no idea how long he'll take to pass his tests especially given the backlog. Even if he takes 6 months (a perfectly normal amount) that means another 6 months or less before he's off to uni, where he's unlikely to take the car.

There's absolutely no rush to buy him one NOW. Let him at least pass his test, then you can reassess.

I would make sure he passes his test, as that cost is only going up. But after that just get him practicing using your car.

It is surprising how much of their income people are prepared to put into a car. You get a situation where people are probably putting a third of their income into a car which they mainly drive to work. They would be much better off with a local job which they could walk to.

Both our ds worked from 15 as pot washers etc to save for a car. We gave lessons as the 17th birthday present. Insurance is high but not 3 grand high. They both got cheap run arounds. I think it is a good life skill to learn to drive and it was important that they did. We did lots of driving with them that meant less lessons.

Yadnbu

I think you are being very wise.

It's a serous expense these days.

Yes, help with lessons. It is a real positive at his stage/age.

Funding a car is a totally different matter.
I can only speak for my son, and I know this would happen.

If he wants one enough, he will get a job, like most of us had to.

He's not stuck as you're obviously in a good area for public transport.