To not support 17 year old DS in getting a car?

[TrickStan]

DH and DS are both badgering me about getting him driving for his 17th birthday. I completely disagree.

We’ve costed lessons, a cheap but decent car and insurance and it is already looking at around £7k. Although we do have that money, we are currently also trying to redecorate and redo areas of our house and garden, we aren’t quite sure of costings yet.

My main issue with it, aside from the up front cost, is that I do not want to fund the ongoing costs of another car. We already have two between DH and I, and I can already foresee DS coming to us asking for petrol money, insurance, MOT, servicing, repairs (which let’s face it, on an older car is quite likely!) I didn’t get a car until I had a proper ‘adult’ job, had left education and could afford all costs. I’ve said he could do lessons and his test, then think about a car once he’s finished college but he’s moaning.

Their solution is that DS will get a job. But, as I’ve explained to them both, he might find keeping a job and doing his A Levels plus social life a struggle… also all of his earnings would be going on the car! When I pointed this out to DH, he said that DS can just sell the car if he can’t afford it, which I think is ridiculous and will only lead to DS being more upset than if he hadn’t had the car in the first place.

AIBU to think a car for most 17 year olds is pretty silly? We do not live rurally. We are within walking distance of a train and we have access to buses. Plus we have never been tight about giving him / his friends lifts.

All of our DC got a 50% contribution towards their cars (they paid the rest from savings as they’ve worked PT from being 16), and we paid their insurance for the first year (on the understanding that it came in at less than £2k). They paid for road tax, MOT, servicing, fuel and any other work needed.

TBH in our kids’ friendship circle, all of them had some sort of parental help when they passed their tests. Some were extreme (buying a VW golf and paying 6.5k insurance), others were just a small contribution. But almost all of them drive at 17-18. It’s more unusual to find a teen that doesn’t drive here. And obviously at 17, it would be rare for them to be able to fund it all themselves!

You don’t need to buy him a car. But driving lessons and practice with you and his dad to get his license before he leaves home is hugely beneficial. The car he can save up for himself, but getting driving practice in and hopefully getting his license should be a priority.

We paid for DS a block of 10 lessons for his 17th and told him the rest was down to him. He managed to save for his first car and is paying his insurance monthly. He is working full time though.
IMO they need to understand the responsibility of saving for and maintaining the car themselves.

I think the lessons alone is very generous! God I had to pay for my own lessons. Then the car and all associated costs alone. Lessons are £20 odd quid an hour. I’d book and cover the cost of 10 and hopefully that will inspire him to get a job and fund the rest.

also if you want to spend YOUR money on your house and garden do it. You earnt it, you saved it. Don’t feel guilty

If you are in a city with good transport links I really don't see the need for a car. Driving lessons would be useful, but I don't know many 17/18 year olds who have/had cars. Mostly they bought one with their first job. Is he going to afford to run it if he's a student?
My biggest worry would be that he would be the person with the car who drives all his friends around after parties and drinking. So many accidents involving young lads driving.

Feeling a bit sorry for your DS and DH here… you won’t fund a car but aren’t supportive of him getting a job to buy his own?
can he get insured on one of your cars then?
if he’s sensible the independence will be good for him.
could he work off the investment doing more chores around the house?
If DH is supportive and you have the means I’d be trying to find a good compromise.

i had to fund my own lessons and car and didn’t get round to it until my late 20’s, my DH passed his test about 3 weeks before we had our first baby- so just in time. I knew my parents couldn’t afford it but if I am in the position to I’d hope to help my kids with it all and get them driving. We live in a city too but it’s just invaluable sometimes. It’s a 2.5 hour train journey and £40 to see grandparents. £15 fuel and 1 hour in the car.

Imo getting your kid driving is part of parenting.

I think what she is saying is he needs to have the job and save for a while before buying the car to make sure it works out. Not buy the car, then decide the job isn’t working and then sell the car.

Insurance for 17 year old boys is more £3-4k now than £2k.

Best thing my parents did for me was get me on the road. It allowed me to get a better job as I wasn't worrying about lifts etc. and I was soon up and running independently funding the car. I will be doing the same for each of my children as it was an absolute life line being able to drive at 17 and gave me so many more opportunities then my friends who didn't learn until later.

Honestly gobsmacked at this.

When DD was that age I can't think of a single one of her contemporaries who had their own car. Access to a parent's car to use, yes. But not one of their own.

Of course the driving lessons are a good idea and we funded those. But DD just shared my car for ages when she was at home and didn't need one at Uni.

She says “Their solution is that DS will get a job. But, as I’ve explained to them both, he might find keeping a job and doing his A Levels plus social life a struggle… also all of his earnings would be going on the car! ”

So it’s not exactly being supportive.
if it’s within their means I think it’d be nice of the parents to find a sensible car.

I think your stance is reasonable. Learning to drive as an adult is difficult as you never have the time and to justify the cost when you likely have commitments can lead to never learning. So for that reason I'd say helping him get his license if you can afford it will be great for him. Then maybe put him in your car insurance? My parents gave me nothing towards learning to drive or a car and I managed it with working and studying and still got good grades, as do many many people, so it can be done if he feels strongly he needs a car let him find it.

We have 2 DC that turned 17 within 12 months! We bought them a car each (with money we'd saved for this from when they were babies) & their driving lessons were their birthday gifts from grandparents.

They however paid all other costs - insurance, mot, tax etc. DC2s insurance was £1500 (with a black box) & she paid for it in full as she'd been saving for 6 months, so its completely doable for 17 tear olds to work & save money whilst at college. They both worked part time from as soon as they finished their gcses and all the way through their a levels - completely normal where we are.

Driving is a life skill & them having their own car has opened up so many opportunities for them, especially when it came to their career choices after 6th form.

I really think if you can afford the driving lessons & car, you should do it for your dc. But all on going costs need to be paid by them - I suggest they get a part time job asap.

I’m serious. Mine are in the minority in that they share a car. Every single one of their peers has their own car. I’ve recently insured my 21 year old on mine too but he shares a car with his sister generally

If DS got a job for a time and showed he can cope with job / college / friends etc. then I’d be more open to it. I don’t agree with funding a car on the basis he will get a job that at the moment doesn’t exist. Then if it all goes wrong he can just sell the car that DH and I will have already spent thousands insuring, servicing etc.

I don’t know very many 17/18 year olds whose parents bought them a car. Or even paid for their lessons. Some got a block for their birthdays but then they were on their own.
I paid all my own lessons and saved up and bought my own car. Yes it was cheaper back then but I was still working 4-5 shifts a week waiting tables at a restaurant from age 16 in order to afford it. Plus going to college etc

Could neither of you downsize your current car so that you could share with him? I sacrificed my lovely big SUV for a little Audi A1 to share with DD. It was painful at the start but nowadays I’m glad that we did it. It cut costs and also made me realise that I did not need a big diesel guzzling brute! We live in the suburbs surrounded by excellent train + bus links so it’s rare that she actually needs to drive - neither she or I could’ve justified having a car of her own due to this.

@55foot5

I honestly don't know of a single friend of either of my DC who didn't have their driving lessons paid for as well as their own car when they were 17. It's very much unusual for a 17 year old to not to have their own car where we are.

We're certainly not in a rich area, all kids went to state school & live in a large town but there is limited to no public transport.

The lessons and license are imperative for future employment - definitely not going to become cheaper. My 16yo has just received provisional license (purchased herself) and will get lessons for birthday. She’s airily announced she’ll be willing to accept my car and I can just nip off and buy a new one (!) later this year….not happening.

Unfortunately loads of 17 year olds round my way are bought a car by their parents as soon as they pass their test. Some get older cars and some newer but I am not exaggerating when I say some are tootling into the school car park in brand new Audis.

It definitely gives unrealistic expectations to the kids and puts horrible pressure on the parents of all the others. My cherub will have to slave away in her part time job for quite some time before she can manage to buy an old banger with my help…

I would put him on your insurance and let him share with you/DH.

If I could afford it then I wouldn’t think twice about buying my DC a car and then getting them to pay for the upkeep of it.
But someone doing their A levels is going to struggle to work enough to cover the insurance etc.

I would try and compromise and do something like putting him on your insurance.
Perhaps have a rota to share it.
Else he could work more or pack in his A levels just so he can afford to drive.

It’s a tough one. I go get your point and it does work out very expensive. My kids are just a year apart 17 snd 18. I assumed my daughter would pass her test before my son started lessons but alas that hasn’t happened so we’re now paying £140 a week for lessons. My daughter needs a full licence in order to get the job she’s trained for. Not getting her a car wasn’t really an option! all of their friends have cars bought by parents. I think if you have the money you should help him out but agree he gets a job to help. As long as he shows willing to contribute I think most parents that are able to do help. They do in my experience anyway. My parents helped all 6 of us kids with our first cars.

I had a job from 15 and the money paid for my driving lessons (10), car and MOT (passed within a month of turning 17. Dad had taught me car maintenance including changing oil and spark plugs so I did my own servicing.

I think it’s one of the most important life skills. My 13 year old has already done 6 hours of driving lessons (on private airfields). I want her driving as soon as possible once she is 17.

I paid for the initial 10 lessons for both my children.. they paid for the rest.. they were lucky enough to be gifted a little runaround... but they both paid for the insurance and up keep...

Have a license and a car is a massive thing for a teenager.. we are not loaded, but I thinks it's the final part of parent hood giving the, that independence

In their defence.. the insurance quotes for DD’s brand new Audi A1 were far lower than the older VW Polos etc that initially I had planned to get her. It made more sense to get a newer car in the end. It’s only a little 1l engine so really nothing extravagant!