For a 26 year old to share with a two year old (sibling)

[flowerygardens]

Dss is 26 and ds is 2

Our plan was for ds to have dss old bedroom, he moved out at 23 so we had a spare room and decided to ttc but he moved back home at 24 just before we knew we were expecting back into his old room.
Now there's no bedroom for ds who is in with us for now but would it be unreasonable to expect dss to share with his brother?
We have no idea how long he'll be back home but it sounds like he plans to stay forever now as he doesn't have a great paid job and was struggling to manage on his own.

It's only a 2 bed house and it's council so moving is only an option if we can find an exchange which is almost impossible.
Dp wants to provide him with a home for as long as he needs it but I also need my son to have a room and that was the intended bedroom when we planned to have a baby together in what was then the spare room but dss ended up moving out for such a short time that he still sees it as his room as it always has been.
It's not that I don't want dss there but I had my only child on the expectation that he will have a bedroom because at the time one was spare and understand dp position but feel dp is unreasonable saying he can share our room or we can sleep in the living room which is not how I planned to raise my child.
Dp has been a single parent to ds since he was very small and he doesn't have contact with his mother so I see that to them it's his room and only the age gap between the brothers that's making it difficult because they'd probably need bunk beds.
I honestly feel like everything has backfired and don't know how dss can ever move out now because his situation hasn't changed and he is very comfortable back at home.
I don't think dss would be happy but he has a home and we have to find a way to sleep everyone.

It's very clear that a 2 bed flat cannot accommodate 3 adults and a child and it's a bit self-centred of DSS to not realise that for himself. He is approaching 30 and you've provided him a home for long enough. He needs to find his own place and stand on his own two feet.

She’s only got one child.

DSS moved out at 23. OP got pregnant and had her DS.

DSS moved back and now DS is 2 and DSS is 26.

I find all the 'kick him out, he's 26' posts really sad.

It's so so difficult to get affordable housing right now. Over my dead body would I kick any of my dc out of their home, whether they were 16 or 36. They will all have a home with us for as long as they want or need, even if I had to sleep on the sofa to make that happen.

It's worth pointing out that this has been the dss's home for longer than the op's. He moved out for a very short period and it's hardly his fault that his dad and Stepmum decided to get pregnant in that timescale.

Surely you can look for a swap op and contact HA's and the Council to at least enquire about the possibility of a 3 bed?

Tell DS that if he wants to live there then he will be sharing with the toddler. So no girl or boyfriends staying over, no late night gaming, playing music, staying up all hours.

Plus he needs to contribute to utilities/ food. Maybe hold back on charging rent for a few months so he has a chance to build up a deposit for his own place.

Why can you only exchange with the council? You’re overcrowded so you can just go on the list to bid for different properties?

Ideally yes DSS would move out but you need a solution.

What space/rooms are there? Could you draw a floor plan? Some people are very creative on here.

This is completely mad. A man pushing 30 can’t just unilaterally decide to move home and to stay there permanently. He could have his own 2-year-old by now without even being a particularly young father!
I agree with PPs that he needs to start looking for a flat share.

You clearly didn't understand my Q. I am sure Op understood it.

Her 'plan' to ttc and having her child (ds age 2)....

It is clear OP was happy to have 1 child (she calls him her son), so her son can take over someone's else room (DSS) in what is clearly DSS's home.

I will bet you my bottom dollar, OP never had another plan to try for a second child (Ds age 2's full sibling), as she has already reallocated DSS's room to her one child (Ds age 2) and wouldn't want her one child inconvenienced by a 2nd child. Unless maybe if she could be guaranteed same sex child - another son.

You understand now? That OP's plan and intention was to reallocate DS's room to her one child which she had no plan to do to her own child by having another child of hers.

If not, I cannot help you.

From my understanding the OP moved into her stepsons family home! He was living there when the little one arrived - not ideal obviously but OP hasn’t given him a home at all - she’s moved into his home.

The older son is an adult and is entitled to his privacy and dignity which includes not having his dad's partner walk into his bedroom in the night to see to a toddler, he could be butt naked which is also not appropriate for toddler to see. (Or doing something else that single men likely do in the privacy of their room for that matter)

He may also be classed as unsupervised if there's unfriendly for toddler things in the room like choking hazards or sharp objects etc and dss doesn't agree to be responsible for him.

@Hello432

Thanks for clearing up the mystery about why Harry prefers to sleep in a hotel on his flying visits rather than the Clarence House sofas. I must admit I am a bit surprised as when I visited CH, admittedly only the gardens, I got the impression they had more than two bedrooms!🙂

He’s 26, not 6. He needs to improve his earning potential and get on with being a fully functioning adult able to put a roof over his own head.

Read Spare for Harry's take on it.

Never read Spare just heard contents of that part.

I think a 26-year-old can sleep on the floor of his toddler brother's bedroom until he's found himself adult accommodation. Should help hurry him out of the door! Just get on with emptying out the room and decorating it for the wee one.

I know times have changed, but I was out the door just a few weeks past my 17th birthday, for good, so I find the prevalence of this behaviour astounding.

Why on earth is it sad to want your adult child to move out, be independent, run their own space, have their own life/relationships/social life, without parents watching over? I don’t get that at all. I know tons of people in their 20s and can’t think of any of them that live with parents. I have 1 friend who does, she’s mid 30s though.

Could you split the biggest room somehow & you & husband share the smaller room?

I would keep ds in with you until around 3, have DSS aware of that timescale, and then help him look for house shares or a small flat. If he is home because of additional needs then I'd look at you and DH sleeping on a sofa bed and DS having the bedroom once he needs his own room, but otherwise I'd support DSS to move out. Them sharing wouldn't even be an option in my opinion. Not really appropriate at all, it's a grown man and a small child.

It is not appropriate for a 26 year old to share a bedroom with a 2 year old brother. To be honest it wouldn’t be ideal to share a bedroom with anyone at 26 unless its with their partner.

He is an adult and has been for many years. A lot of people his age have families of their own and he must have realised over the last 2 years that there isn't going to be room for all of you in the same house with the current set up. You need to have an honest conversation about the future. He needs to come up with a plan on how he will eventually move out and you need to set a deadline for when that needs to happen. In the meantime you either decide to keep your son in your bedroom or you convert the lounge and get a sofa bed for you and your partner. Maybe that's 6 months, maybe it's 6 years, but you honestly can't expect them to share a bunkbeds.

Put them in the same room. He’ll soon move out after a few weeks of being in the same room as a toddler

hes a grown man!

In this climate it is unbelievably hard to just leave home. And he does pay rent.

if my parents had another child and then told me to fuck off out the house so it could have my childhood bedroom I’d be gutted!

(and yes I had my own home and was expecting my second child at 26 but I can also appreciate that there are different barriers people face when trying to build there lives…)

I know the UK isn't in the EU anymore but 42% of people aged between 25 and 29 still live at home. This isnt the strange situation you seem to think it is. The strangest thing about the situation is having an age gap of 24yrs between children.

What a nasty contribution!

I was never consulted on what happened to my old bedroom when I moved out as it was not longer my room. It was my parents to do with as they wish. Why would they consult me on what to do with their house?

And she is not raising her son in 'someone elses house.' First of all his the child's fathers name will be on lease. Second of all it is her home now. She is in a partnership with DP, the father of her child. Which they planned together under the knowledge they would have a second bedroom and the space for their child.

My 2 were sleeping in their room long before they got to 2. As soon as they were sleeping through the night about 6 months we moved their cot into their own room. The only person who slept in there with them was my stepdaughter about 8-10 & my mum if she babysat. Anyone else would be on the sofa.

I think you are being unreasonable. How long have you been together with DSS's father?

It sounds like this house has been his home for far longer than it has been yours.

You have moved in, and then when he moved out, had your child, who you now expect to take over his bedroom.

It's going to be difficult to find a solution but it will involve discussion with all the adults involved, not one of the adults making a decision for the others because that's what they want.