For a 26 year old to share with a two year old (sibling)

[flowerygardens]

Dss is 26 and ds is 2

Our plan was for ds to have dss old bedroom, he moved out at 23 so we had a spare room and decided to ttc but he moved back home at 24 just before we knew we were expecting back into his old room.
Now there's no bedroom for ds who is in with us for now but would it be unreasonable to expect dss to share with his brother?
We have no idea how long he'll be back home but it sounds like he plans to stay forever now as he doesn't have a great paid job and was struggling to manage on his own.

It's only a 2 bed house and it's council so moving is only an option if we can find an exchange which is almost impossible.
Dp wants to provide him with a home for as long as he needs it but I also need my son to have a room and that was the intended bedroom when we planned to have a baby together in what was then the spare room but dss ended up moving out for such a short time that he still sees it as his room as it always has been.
It's not that I don't want dss there but I had my only child on the expectation that he will have a bedroom because at the time one was spare and understand dp position but feel dp is unreasonable saying he can share our room or we can sleep in the living room which is not how I planned to raise my child.
Dp has been a single parent to ds since he was very small and he doesn't have contact with his mother so I see that to them it's his room and only the age gap between the brothers that's making it difficult because they'd probably need bunk beds.
I honestly feel like everything has backfired and don't know how dss can ever move out now because his situation hasn't changed and he is very comfortable back at home.
I don't think dss would be happy but he has a home and we have to find a way to sleep everyone.

@WiseBiscuit again - if this was a 26 year old parent he would know not to behave like that while in the same room as a 2 year old.

The parents can more easily avoid exposing their 2 year old to inappropriate content than a half sibling sharing a room. Any idiot can see that. It’s not just sex, it’s TV programmes, gaming, messaging etc. The 26 year old will want space. He’s not going to want to sit on the sofa with his dad and step mum night after night.

Also if he hasn’t clocked that he will be room sharing with a 2 year old he doesn’t sound like the sharpest….

A 26 year old parent would use the rest of the house. Where’s the 26 year old sharing a home with dad and step mum going to go?

@WiseBiscuit use the other rooms in the house when the parents are in their bedroom?
Not all 26 year olds are obsessed with porn and watching inappropriate tv shows or gaming etc you know 🙄

*It seems that the dad is happy for the 26 year old to be there, at the end of the day he raised that 26 year old alone in that house.

The stepmum doesn’t want him there because she doesn’t feel the need to support him and thinks her child has priority.*

Maybe she doesn't feel the same amount of love and willingness to support her husband's son as her own biological one?

I agree that most mid-20’s adults don’t plan to live in their childhood homes forever so it’s quite possible that the OP is catastrophizing and he won’t be there when he’s 40!

I know several 24 & 25 year olds IRL (no 26-year-olds ;-) and none of them who are living at home intend to stay there indefinitely. One is moving out in a couple of months and the rest have plans to leave within a couple of years. Living at home in your 20’s may be more common than for my generation, but I think that most people still prefer to be living independently in their 30’s.

"Content" aside, how do they shield him from actual fucking? A young couple, in their bed, in their room, will be fucking. Whereas they don't have to let the 26yo have a TV or gaming console in the bedroom if they don't want. They don't have to let him have a phone or laptop in the room. It's their house.

What does it matter what the 26yo wants? He is not a member of the couple who are the householders, and he's not a small child who is dependent on his parents. What he wants shouldn't be any kind of factor in their decision-making. If he doesn't like the set-up, he is free to find himself a house share or go and be a lodger in another house or whatever. Yes, if course he'll "want space". And he'll be motivated to go out and get it. The parents want space too - why should they lose theirs?

Two bedrooms and two kids = the kids share. They shouldn't give him the message that he and his wishes supercede those of both the parents and his brother. That's a recipe for a thirtysomething spoilt brat who never leaves. Baby bird needs a little nudge out of the nest before his little brother's old enough to care that he doesn't have his own room.

Some of you sound unhealthily entangled with your supposedly adult sons!

@flowerygardens I think you have 2 options. Both of which would ideally be temporary solutions.

1)DP and his DS in one room, bunk beds probably

You and shared DS in other room. When he's old enough you could get one of those bunk beds that has a double underneath and put a bed tent around the single for privacy.

Your DP could than share you bed but you might not be comfortable having sex with DS around (couldn't blame you) so would have to get creative for that

2. luxury sofa bed in living room. Like really luxury. Look at furl and similar. That equals a room each for both DS' and a multi purpose room for you and DP.

Look up tiny living for ideas and check out the Wisdom Family on insta. The single mum there lives in a 2 bed house with 6 kids. 3 per room and she sleeps on a Murphy bed in the living room. She built it herself for less than £100. She's amazing, inspirational even.

I’ll much rather get a sofa bed than putting a kid of mine, who needs the help, on the street.

But that’s just me.

Of course not, but unless it's a strictly Mormon household, most of them will at some point want to watch or listen to something with adult content, or have a conversation with a visitor that is not suitable for a very young child's ears.

@AtomicPumpkin well yes. If the 26 year old is that desperate he can use the bathroom.
The parents obviously manage to keep their "inappropriate" activities and whatnot away from their 2 year old.

Exactly. There are options like house shares etc if you cannot afford a place of your own.

No-one is talking about living on the street. He can get a room in a shared house. They can help him with a security deposit.

I help young professionals find rooms in shared houses, part of the company’s perks to help new arrivals settle. They do struggle even in their high salaries: You can’t get an anything for less than £700 a month per room and I am nowhere near London. It may take months to find a place and the competition is unreal: I helped friend of mine to advertise a bedroom in SpareRoom.com over a cup of coffee, within half an hour she had 50 messages. That accommodation crisis that keeps popping in the news is real.

I’m sure this guy would move out as soon as he can, who wants to spend time in a house with a busy toddler and a stepmother wanting him out? but it is not as easy for young people these days as it was just a few years ago.

See I'm in the south East( Essex( and just this minute found rooms on spare room at £500 inc bills. With direct access to London in 35 mins on the train

And I've just checked that 35 hours on minimum wage gets a take home of just over £1500 a month. So that's £1k after room including bills. Enough to live on for one person

But he was living in a shared house (except for a short blip) - he was sharing with his dad. It's often a different dynamic from when you have both parents living there.

If he's 26, his dad could potentially have been knocking on 70, so their roles could have ended up reversing before long - effectively with his dad living with him.

Or would people then be telling the dad that he should stop being lazy and was plenty old enough to leave and get himself a room in a retirement home instead?

It doesn't matter that he's 26 and a grown man. This is his childhood home. Some woman moved in, he had to accept her, then she had a baby and he isn't welcome anymore. When it comes to our parents, we react on an instinctive level, and he will feel hurt and rejected if this handled badly. I think it makes a difference that the age gap is between him and a half-sibling - I think it will add to the possible feelings of rejection/being replaced.

He should always be able to stay with his dad. Whether he should always have that room is a different question. In time, when this is all properly dealt with, being able to stay with his dad when he needs to is likely to take the form of sleeping on the sofa or sofa bed in the living room. He's family. He doesn't need to stand on ceremony, he just needs to know he will always be a part of the family, no matter how squashed or imperfect things are. With family, you suck things up.

In the short term, it sounds like you'll have to use the living room for someone if you really can't keep DS in with you anymore. You could put the toddler there, but as the toddler will have very different sleeping patterns to everyone, that will take away your communal space - for all three grown-ups.

I wonder if you could frame it to DSS that putting the toddler in his room would be less disruptive to his sleep/daily activities and while he is welcome to stay with you as long as he likes, sleeping in the living room might help get him moved up the housing list as he technically wouldn't have a room?

I'd ask DP if he thinks it would be better having the conversation with you or without you and let him lead it. The ultimate aim is for DSS to want to move out as soon as possible without feeling like he was pushed. You're not wrong in wanting the room back for your DS, but you just have to approach it sensitively.

If the son was the one on the tenancy agreement and got married and had a baby, yes, I would absolutely expect the Dad to find somewhere else to live. Even in a case of a shared house where someone sublets the rooms, the person who is the agreed owner or tenancy holder would ask the "lodgers" to leave if they needed those rooms back.

I’m not in the south, but I am not surprised it is more expensive over here. It depends very much on demand of the area.

If you are in an attractive area with limited housing and thousands of students and young professionals it is bound to get expensive.

Over here you may be able to get something for £450 per room if you are prepared to go for a small village, 45 minutes away with absolutely dreadful connections, but then what you save in rent you spend in petrol 🤷‍♀️