For a 26 year old to share with a two year old (sibling)

[flowerygardens]

Dss is 26 and ds is 2

Our plan was for ds to have dss old bedroom, he moved out at 23 so we had a spare room and decided to ttc but he moved back home at 24 just before we knew we were expecting back into his old room.
Now there's no bedroom for ds who is in with us for now but would it be unreasonable to expect dss to share with his brother?
We have no idea how long he'll be back home but it sounds like he plans to stay forever now as he doesn't have a great paid job and was struggling to manage on his own.

It's only a 2 bed house and it's council so moving is only an option if we can find an exchange which is almost impossible.
Dp wants to provide him with a home for as long as he needs it but I also need my son to have a room and that was the intended bedroom when we planned to have a baby together in what was then the spare room but dss ended up moving out for such a short time that he still sees it as his room as it always has been.
It's not that I don't want dss there but I had my only child on the expectation that he will have a bedroom because at the time one was spare and understand dp position but feel dp is unreasonable saying he can share our room or we can sleep in the living room which is not how I planned to raise my child.
Dp has been a single parent to ds since he was very small and he doesn't have contact with his mother so I see that to them it's his room and only the age gap between the brothers that's making it difficult because they'd probably need bunk beds.
I honestly feel like everything has backfired and don't know how dss can ever move out now because his situation hasn't changed and he is very comfortable back at home.
I don't think dss would be happy but he has a home and we have to find a way to sleep everyone.

Your ds is 2. He doesn’t need his own bedroom. He’ll be perfectly fine in with you. Your dss however is at a much more stressful time in life. He probably wishes he had his own place. Don’t make him share with a 2yo. It’s hard for young people to get on their feet these days - support the 26yo and have the 2yo in with you. He can have toys in the lounge. There is absolutely no need for a 2yo to have their own room, particularly when there is someone in much greater need of it.

I’d be looking at something like this.

As an alternative, my cousin was the youngest of five and as the others all had their own rooms they put the baby in with them and she ended up staying until she started school. They gave her this little cot bed under a tent style canopy in the corner of their room. She could close the curtains around the bed and it was like a little Wendy house with all her teddies etc in with her. I was sooooo envious!

I think they do always have a right to, if they need it. You don’t stop being a parent when the kid is 18. It’s for life.

Sounds like you moved into his family home and are now hoofing him out. He’s 26 have a proper conversation with him rather than listening to the usual HES 26 HE SHOULD MOVE OUT posts.

Could you find a 2 bed flat for you and ds while dp and his son live there.
It doesn't sound like step son plans to move out of his own accord and his father is letting him stay as long as he wants, this may well be forever.
I'd just house yourself and son and leave them to it, the house isn't suitable for you and your child and there's no long term solutions.
Your adult step son is not your priority but you need appropriate accommodation for your son and dp isn't in a position to house you all there.

Would he want to live independently if he could? Because if he would, this is exactly the sort of scenario the housing list is for.
He needs to register, the sooner the better.
Of course if he wants to stay at home, that’s a different story.

Isn’t there a phrase that the aim of parenting is to make yourself redundant? They’re meant to be able to look after themselves by 26, surely.

@paasll Really? You think that I, at nearly 50, have a right to be housed by my 86-year-old Dad?

He couldn’t house me anyway, as he’s recently moved into a retirement flat!

SS is an adult so I'd be having the conversation like adults.

It is/was his home and you don't want to push him out but there needs to be a plan. He can't be 30 and still living at home and that would apply whether you had a 2 year old or not.

I'd be prepared to share my room with toddler for another year but there would need to be an exit plan. Perhaps training to earn more, getting a new job or saving up the rent money but he has to think how he will live independently at some point.

A return to get back on his feet is reasonable but he must want to move out and have his own life too. You all need to split down and help each other make plans.

The OP can no more afford to house herself as a single adult that the DSS can by the sounds of things. That's why they should all sit down and have a discussion about how best to make the situation work for all of them.

It's not about being 'replaced', it's about recognising that other people move on with their lives and sometimes you have to do the same.

you put it brilliantly.

Waiting to hear gazillion reasons why op and her ds cannot afford to house themselves elsewhere. countless single parents (due to no fault of their own or because they made poor choices) do.

at least Dss had no say in his dad's choice of new partner, so dss takes priority in his childhood home.

@flowerygardens How is DSS coping at the moment?

He must realise it's not a long term solution. Someone's going to need to use the lounge?

Nonsense. A parent's job is to equip the child for adulthood, not house and support them indefinitely.

My partner has an age gap of 24 years with his children. One he had at 19 and then at 43 with me, I am in my mid thirties. It’s really not that strange…

Keep the 2yo in your room for now and then look at how you can make up another bedroom - perhaps by converting the front room, dividing the largest room, loft conversion, caravan in the garden or moving.

A child should have a place to stay in their parents home for as long as they need it.

It sounds like he’s not going to be able to afford to move out any time soon and so a more permanent solution needs to be figured out.

It is not fair to expect him to sleep in the room with a 2yo.

This is ridiculous. Why would any mother of a new baby want to be separate from their family. I’d sooner keep baby in with me and my partner than do that.

Very inappropriate for the 26yo to share with the 2yo, so please don’t go there. It’s not ideal to have 2yo in with you, but in most of the developing world it’s still common to sleep in same room with young children.

Have a proper conversation with DSS and agree timescales for living elsewhere. And practical steps he can do to work towards this - talking to citizens advice, seeing if he’s entitled to any benefits, helping him apply. Isn’t this what housing benefit is for?!

It is insane optimistic to raise a child with a man who already has an adult son languishing at home, too self-centred to understand or care that he's hogging space needed by his father's new partner and his toddler half-brother. Not a great advert for DP's parenting.

Have you spoken to the Housing Association? Waiting times and eligibility criteria are different everywhere. But in my local HA, your household would be considered overcrowded and you would be eligible to either move to a 3 bed, or for dss to rent an affordable studio/1 bed. You’d be looking at a wait of 6m - 2yrs. It might not be possible or be a much longer wait in your area, but it’s worth a conversation with them if you haven’t already. Sharing with toddler until they are 4/5 would be tricky, but doable.
I understand people saying dss needs to move out, and a few years ago I’d have agreed with them. But with the COL crisis, it’s not so easy these days. I’m sure dss wants his independence, but private rent is unaffordable now for a single person on min wage.
Whilst he is at home, are there things he could do to improve his earning potential? Could he be doing some courses or looking into different careers with progression opportunities?

@Stravaig half brother not step brother.

Cant his father subsidise his rent in a house share?

Could you afford to privately rent somewhere bigger OP? Especially if the older son is paying some rent.

I don't think he should share with your toddler. If you want him to live with you then you should look for 3 bedroom social housing for you all, as you are obviously overcrowded. Or help him to find a houseshare.

Are there any rooms that aren't quite essential, such as a dining room that could be used as a bedroom for stepson?

Failing that, a sofa bed in the lounge with a chest of drawers somewhere for his clothes.

I would say that it should be SS who has the makeshift bedroom/sofa bed, simply because I would feel most comfortable with the small child sleeping on the same level as the parents.