For a 26 year old to share with a two year old (sibling)

[flowerygardens]

Dss is 26 and ds is 2

Our plan was for ds to have dss old bedroom, he moved out at 23 so we had a spare room and decided to ttc but he moved back home at 24 just before we knew we were expecting back into his old room.
Now there's no bedroom for ds who is in with us for now but would it be unreasonable to expect dss to share with his brother?
We have no idea how long he'll be back home but it sounds like he plans to stay forever now as he doesn't have a great paid job and was struggling to manage on his own.

It's only a 2 bed house and it's council so moving is only an option if we can find an exchange which is almost impossible.
Dp wants to provide him with a home for as long as he needs it but I also need my son to have a room and that was the intended bedroom when we planned to have a baby together in what was then the spare room but dss ended up moving out for such a short time that he still sees it as his room as it always has been.
It's not that I don't want dss there but I had my only child on the expectation that he will have a bedroom because at the time one was spare and understand dp position but feel dp is unreasonable saying he can share our room or we can sleep in the living room which is not how I planned to raise my child.
Dp has been a single parent to ds since he was very small and he doesn't have contact with his mother so I see that to them it's his room and only the age gap between the brothers that's making it difficult because they'd probably need bunk beds.
I honestly feel like everything has backfired and don't know how dss can ever move out now because his situation hasn't changed and he is very comfortable back at home.
I don't think dss would be happy but he has a home and we have to find a way to sleep everyone.

Your house is simply not big enough for all of you. There’s no way you can have a small child sharing a room with a grown adult like that, especially one so small they’d need bunk beds. That’s overcrowding. It wouldn’t be fair to your son and I can’t imagine how your dss would cope with no privacy etc. Dss will have to sleep on the sofa til he finds a house share or something.

I’m sorry but I literally laughed here. He is 26 and bless you , you tried to do the right things. He needs to go! This isn’t a hard one!! Surely he realises that???

Yes sorry meant 1000+ bills . Being 26 has nothing to do with it if the wage does not cover the rent and bills. He can't magic more money.

Try swapping. If your house is nice in an okay area you might well find someone who wants to downsize because of the bedroom tax. It could take a few months but it’s doable. Make sure your photos are like an estate agents - all rooms shown clearly from both angles in daylight, no clutter at all.
You can’t ask your stepson to move out of his home when he needs it but he could help with the Homeswapper search.

I'm sorry you need to move out with DS.

@OhcantthInkofaname that's a bit extreme.

Well it's great that his father still wants to house him but it looks like he can't.

It was always a risk though wasn't it that he might come back?

Put up a stud wall in largest bedroom to give them each their own space…

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=hJlz1L_cYgU

That does sound unreasonable. Is there room for a caravan on the driveway or in the garden? You don’t need planning permission for that.

Yes, because the other option is just another adult.
But an adult who is not his parent, and is far more likely to make an unsuitable roommate.

In the unlikely circumstance that the stepson is still living there at 52, then sharing with a 26 year old probably won't be an issue, but while one is a small child it is better to share with his parents.

Come on now… you can lodge in z3 in London (so bills included) for 600-800 and that would be something reasonably okay / nicer than some of the crap holes I lived in in my 20s

m.spareroom.co.uk/flatshare/?search_id=1305015467&

Personally I would have a conversation with step son and dh about it. You are all adults, there is no reason a grown up conversation can't be had. Step son sleeping on a sofa bed seems the most logical. I would never kick one of my children out no matter their age, especially when times are so tough with private renting and the coat of living.

I was booted out when I was 17 and was on my own from that point on(my parents were abusive for my entire childhood) and I always swore that my children would always have a safe home with me for however long they want.I understand that my own experiences colour my response though.

What conversations have been had with dss about the housing situation and what was his response?

He is a grown adult, don't allow him or your dp deny that by pretending otherwise, he must realise this is not sustainable as his sibling grows?

Giving him, and your dp, a deadline of a year for him to find his own place to live would be kind, you've had your youngest in with you for two years, another year shouldn't be too difficult.

Are you officially on the tenancy for your home? If not I would get that sorted soon incase things get difficult.

He pays his rent like he always did which covers his costs but he's really not earning much more than min wage.
I know it's hard for younger people to afford a home, we can't afford our own home yet work hard.

At 26 your DSS is independent.

He can houseshare (or even share a room with a housemate), or move to a cheaper area, or apply for council housing (not that he should be eligible for one).

He is on his own.

No way should he displace the 2yo.

It's not just the sleeping arrangements - it's the stuff! 2 year old toys, stuffed animals, books etc take a lot of room.

Surely he's realised himself that you're going to need the room? Where does he think DS is going to go?

The toddler needs a room. The dad needs to tell the step son that.
I would tell step son he can stay on the sofa if he needs to (if money is tight for him) but you don't have a bedroom for him.

It's two beds in one room either way. Toddlers often wake and want a parent or come into a parents bed in the night. It makes much more sense for a toddler to be with their parents than an adult half sibling.

But by 26 he’s had at least 5 years to work and build up a wage. I get that costs are extreme but he should be able to afford something like millions of other mid 20s people do. Sure maybe he can’t afford
to be picky, but he should be able to afford something.

Do you have a driveway? Could you get a 2nd hand caravan for DSS to have his own temp living/sleeping space. He’d still have access to the home, but a but if independence too.

DSS's age and all other things said, I am rather surprised OP seriously thought that room could just be given away to someone else without first speaking to DSS. Or did you expect him to sleep on sofa when he came to visit?

Are you Camilla? She turned Prince Harry's room into her dresser upon moving into Clarence House.

Also, how can you 'plan' to raise your son as you call him, in someone else' house- DP and his son (your DSS)'s house? I would get it if it was your house to start with. The reality is that you cannot afford to raise a child the way you want or at all as you never had space for him. Or it should fall on you and partner to make allowance for the one-sided plan failing, so DP is right that you 2 should move to the lounge.

I guess you only planned to have one child and not 2.

Are either of the rooms big enough to split? If one is that would be the option I’d choose even if it makes two tiny single rooms. Do the council know he’s back and therefore you’re over crowded? Over 18s aren’t meant to share, is he on the waiting list for a flat? It obviously depends on where you live but that would be the other option. A 26 year old and a 2 year old can’t share.

Out of the living room and 2 bedrooms, which is the largest and easiest to split - even if the split makes 2 small spaces?

He's an adult but he needs to accept sharing a room if he's back home. And contribute to bills, and do cleaning and cooking. It's not intended as a punishment, but it may nonetheless encourage him to get himself together and nail a job and a place.

Lots of 20 something year olds still live at home. Lots more get monetary help off parents for deposits to help them move out. Let's not pretend that in 2024 it is an unusual situation that the OP is facing. Its perfectly normal for the OPs dh to want to help his son however he can and its perfectly normal for that to mean someone in their 20s still lives at home.