For a 26 year old to share with a two year old (sibling)

[flowerygardens]

Dss is 26 and ds is 2

Our plan was for ds to have dss old bedroom, he moved out at 23 so we had a spare room and decided to ttc but he moved back home at 24 just before we knew we were expecting back into his old room.
Now there's no bedroom for ds who is in with us for now but would it be unreasonable to expect dss to share with his brother?
We have no idea how long he'll be back home but it sounds like he plans to stay forever now as he doesn't have a great paid job and was struggling to manage on his own.

It's only a 2 bed house and it's council so moving is only an option if we can find an exchange which is almost impossible.
Dp wants to provide him with a home for as long as he needs it but I also need my son to have a room and that was the intended bedroom when we planned to have a baby together in what was then the spare room but dss ended up moving out for such a short time that he still sees it as his room as it always has been.
It's not that I don't want dss there but I had my only child on the expectation that he will have a bedroom because at the time one was spare and understand dp position but feel dp is unreasonable saying he can share our room or we can sleep in the living room which is not how I planned to raise my child.
Dp has been a single parent to ds since he was very small and he doesn't have contact with his mother so I see that to them it's his room and only the age gap between the brothers that's making it difficult because they'd probably need bunk beds.
I honestly feel like everything has backfired and don't know how dss can ever move out now because his situation hasn't changed and he is very comfortable back at home.
I don't think dss would be happy but he has a home and we have to find a way to sleep everyone.

Did you read the part that says he is TWENTY SIX years old?!

I think he probably possesses enough critical thinking skills to understand that’s not what is happening.

Maybe give stepson a choice between sharing with the toddler and sleeping in the living room. Living room would be adjusted to give him a decent bed somehow and you could decamp to your room at a prearranged time every evening to give him some space. Have a second TV in your room. If that is not enough privacy for him he can choose to share.

With the sensitivity around him feeling "replaced" a bit of accommodation is reasonable but at the same time, at 26 he can't be expected to be prioritised over parents in their own house. And a toddler can't sleep in the living room.

You have two children and they’re both equally important, but your stepson also needs to understand that his brother has as much right to a bedroom in your house as he has. If they have to share, so be it.

He can make plans to move out if he wishes, your youngest will be your dependent for many years.

I think PPs are right to keep toddler in with you a while longer if you can. But with an end point.

The 26 year old should rent a room in a house share, if he is on a low income he could claim UC to help with costs. There's a website where he can check what he'd be entitled to. He can still visit your home evening and weekends. At 26 he should be standing on his own two feet, he's a fully grown adult. You can still help him in other ways even though he doesn't live with you.

It the DP's son's home. Why should he be forced to move out

But she said it looks like he plans to stay forever so what if the toddler doesn't move out is he supposed to share in his parents until he's 26. Step son may never give up his room.

It sounds like this was DSS and DH’s home from before. I do think that makes a bit of a difference. It’s a dreadful climate for young people on low wages to find housing. I do think you would be unreasonable to have them share. It’s not fair on either DSS or DS. Can you partition of a section of either bedroom to create a room for DS? If not I think I’d give it a year in which to look for swaps then create a bedroom for you and DH in the living room if none have come up. It’s not ideal at all. But you will create huge resentment from your DH is you force his DS out by creating an untenable situation. Is there a garden? Could you afford/get permission to create a garden room? Either as a bedroom for DSS or as an extra living space?

I think it's the best option under the circumstances. Hopefully he'll become more independent.

What?? He’s 26. A 6 year old may think they’ve ’been replaced’ but a 26 year old is a full adult who can clearly understand the situation. How ridiculous 🤣 he should want to move out and make it happen.

Was it their house before you came along, or was it yours?

@Februaryfeels I don’t think he should be forced to move out, but in a two-bedroom house, he can’t really expect three people to share one bedroom longterm just so he can have his own room.

For another couple of years, fair enough, but imagine an 11-year-old having to share with his parents so his 35-year-old brother has his own room.

He's 26 not 6!!

Our situation is a little similar in that we have a three-bed (privately rented) house and three children (17, 14, 4). The eldest two only live with us for some of the time; for the majority they live with their dad.
However, the two teenagers both have their own rooms and 4 yo is in with us.
When my eldest goes to uni the year after next our daughter will have his room and we will put a sofa bed in the study for when he comes home.

He's 26! To do that to a 10 year old (as an example) would be terrible, but 26?

What? So there would be three people in one room and one person in the other? And the one person actually left home and decided it was too difficult so moved back in - as an adult? No way.

Why does MN think it's so easy just to leave home and get your own place yes he's 26. But things have changed so much now. It's getting more common for older children to be at home still due to low wages. I my area just a room is 100 plus bill a month.

Op does not sound like she dislikes dss. But I do think she would feel differently if it was her own son.

Split the largest room with a stud wall. Even if they end up like 2 box rooms. I have done that myself in the past it works well .

Also yes put in for an exchange there's nothing to loose .

I’m assuming you missed a 0? £100+ bills should be very doable at 26.

I would tell dss that the situation is not ideal but you have 2 bedrooms for 4 people which means 2 have to share. Quite logical. And add that you know it will be temporary since he probably wants to find a place of his own..

It was his and he brought his son up there with that room as his bedroom.
We'd never have considered having ds if it wasn't that we thought he'd moved out, but it didn't work out.

Replaced? I'm younger than this man and I own my own home with my partner and my own animals. I had no help either, I left home at 16 and was homeless for a year with absolutely no family support. 26 is plenty old enough to find your own way.

Is his son working?

honestly I’d expect an able bodied adult to be able to support themselves.

is there sort sort of drip feed about a disability or how he is suicidal? if not he needs to move out… I mean surely he saw this coming.

Your DH has a responsibility to his 2 yr old as well as his grown adult “child”

ps love that once again it’s a women posting on a forum looking for a solve…. I don’t imagine your partner or his son are posting on Reddit looking for creative solutions!!!

@flowerygardens is your SS paying rent?

Unless there's a massive back story about DSS and he has additional needs then he needs to move out. He's a grown up! He can claim benefits if he can't work to support himself, but you can't put him in with your 2-yo and people saying give him your room. Just no!

He needs to move out. Is there a massive age gap between you and your husband ?