For a 26 year old to share with a two year old (sibling)

[flowerygardens]

Dss is 26 and ds is 2

Our plan was for ds to have dss old bedroom, he moved out at 23 so we had a spare room and decided to ttc but he moved back home at 24 just before we knew we were expecting back into his old room.
Now there's no bedroom for ds who is in with us for now but would it be unreasonable to expect dss to share with his brother?
We have no idea how long he'll be back home but it sounds like he plans to stay forever now as he doesn't have a great paid job and was struggling to manage on his own.

It's only a 2 bed house and it's council so moving is only an option if we can find an exchange which is almost impossible.
Dp wants to provide him with a home for as long as he needs it but I also need my son to have a room and that was the intended bedroom when we planned to have a baby together in what was then the spare room but dss ended up moving out for such a short time that he still sees it as his room as it always has been.
It's not that I don't want dss there but I had my only child on the expectation that he will have a bedroom because at the time one was spare and understand dp position but feel dp is unreasonable saying he can share our room or we can sleep in the living room which is not how I planned to raise my child.
Dp has been a single parent to ds since he was very small and he doesn't have contact with his mother so I see that to them it's his room and only the age gap between the brothers that's making it difficult because they'd probably need bunk beds.
I honestly feel like everything has backfired and don't know how dss can ever move out now because his situation hasn't changed and he is very comfortable back at home.
I don't think dss would be happy but he has a home and we have to find a way to sleep everyone.

A lot of it is regional. The SE and London are especially bad. @Buford is around the same age as I am.

Since when does an adult have the right to live with his parents indefinitely?!

The two year old has a right to be there because he's an actual child.

@SpiritAdder I suppose that I view 19 and 26 very differently. I was definitely naive and needed guidance at 19, far less so at 26.

It does surprise me that an NT 26-year-old would need help finding out the benefits he was entitled to or finding a house share.

Luckily DD’s rent will be paid from an account that can only be used for educational expenses (we’re in the US) so she can’t spend it at a festival. 😂

Cool on the account limit, in am glad you read my joke as it was intended.

I agree 19 is different from 26, but that is only true if the 26 yr old left home at 19. The maturity comes from life experience, not chronological years imho. The DSS has only ever lived at home or gone to Uni. Your DD19 isn’t even paying her rent, so I’m not sure you can count that as her leaving home when she isn’t financially independent of you. I am presuming the account is a 529 account - tax free savings you have saved to pay for her college expenses?

Btw apart from a few areas like Silicon Valley, the housing and wages situation for young adults in the US is significantly better than in the U.K.

@SpiritAdder Yes, it’s a 529.

It does sound as if the DSS lacks life skills and perhaps his Dad is partially responsible for that. I do have some sympathy for him and also find concerning that he apparently doesn’t have a long term plan to strike out on his own. I can’t see him being happy in an overcrowded house at 40, for example. I hope they do discuss everything and find a solution.

He isn’t a “very young adult.”

Thie is a man of twenty-six this discussion is about.

Correct; but I was responding to YOU, who said that your Mum turfed you out at 18, and you seemed to be suggesting that this was laudable/should be normal.

Considering that a 17yo is not actually yet an adult, I don't think it's unfair to call an 18yo a 'very young adult'.

In many previous generations it would not have been unusual for an unmarried 26 year old man to be at home. In my family history boys and men moved out for work or for marriage at every age from 13 to well into their 20s.

Why on earth can't the young man share a room with his brother?

Bunk beds for the brothers - just like in every other property with two bedrooms and two kids. It should motivate the DSS to work towards finding his own place asap.

They're hardly 'equals' when it comes to their needs, preferences and circumstances, are they?

It's often jarring enough having to share a room with a 2yo when you're their parent; why anybody else would be expected to do so, goodness only knows.

At 26 they should be living independently

There are lots of ways of diving a room into two...

Not just the stud wall suggested by someone else, but also by making a wall of furniture (wardrobe/ shelf units etc) arranged to create two different areas. Cheaper to do and easier to change it back when your DSS decides he'd rather move out than share with his young brother!

Or potentially splitting it vertically - creating a raised platform/ mezzanine - if the ceiling is high enough. A toddler doesn't need much head room.
If he's on the 'top floor', you need to figure out a way to make the steps up there safe - eg something like a stair-gate - and make sure he can't fall out - you could use something like a cargo net around it.
Alternatively give the DSS the mezzanine, or a raised platform bed (with just a ladder to access it - and keep his brother out) - and create a toddler-sized mini-bedroom underneath it at floor level.

His circumstances are that he's 26, he's at the age where he can go and live somewhere else if he wants, and he doesn't own the place. Amazing that people are suggesting that the actual householders should be the ones to suffer rather than him. He's way past the age where his parents should be arranging their lives around his needs or wants.

But he was one of the original householders - an adult paying a contribution to the rent, just like his dad.

Then OP came along and moved in and sought to take over. She is an adult too - and she isn't his parent.

@OnTheRightSideOfGeography I imagine that the Dad is the leaseholder and as such, he asked the OP to move in. They then they decided to have a baby.

As I said upthread, it’s on the Dad to sort this out. I suspect he’s ignoring it until the youngest really needs more space.

Could someone link to the other threads please.

I'm on the app and the search function is not giving me any helpful results.

For those saying that a 26 year old, with no children, earning the minimum wage can apply for a council home… Are you on weed?

Parents with young children can wait years for a council home to become available. A single adult with no children has no hope for that at all, he is at the bottom of the priority list.

With regards to UC, same applies if you are single, employed, no kids, no disabilities, earning the minimum wage… no chance.

Having said that, the dad can advertise his council home for a possible exchange for a bigger house, There may be someone out there looking to downsize to a two bedroom house in the area.

Oh yes, a 2 year old sharing with a man that’s likely cracking one out to pornhub every night. There’s no safeguarding concern there whatsoever is there?! How lovely for both of them.

It is entirely inappropriate for them to share as a regular thing.

@WiseBiscuit if it was a 26 year old dad sharing with his 2 year old son would you say that?
Amazingly many 26 year olds can actually control themselves when they need to.

Since the beginning of times if the parents are happy to support them in their hour of need.

It seems that the dad is happy for the 26 year old to be there, at the end of the day he raised that 26 year old alone in that house.

The stepmum doesn’t want him there because she doesn’t feel the need to support him and thinks her child has priority.

Stepmum needs to recognise the older sibling has as many rights as the younger on the eyes of her husband, having a toddler in the parents room for another year is not an outrageous thing, many families ldo it out of need. If is not ideal but it is a short term solution, do you honestly think that a 26 year old with a job would stay in there an hour more than he needs? He will leave as soon as he finds something that he can afford.

Aye, of course. He’ll never come home drunk, never want a partner over, never want to watch or listen to any inappropriate content. Never game, never have adult themed conversations. He’ll just watch Mr Tumble and smell of daisies all the time.

If you have a 2 yo and a 26 yo, you need to prioritise the one that actually needs you over the one who is an adult.

Where did you get 'another year' and 'short term solution' from? This is open ended, as pointed out in the post you were replying to. DP wants to offer DSS a home for as long as he needs it. Could be years, could be a decade. Could be more than that.

But it's fine for the kid to be in the room while his parents are shagging?

A mentally normal 26yo will know he can't masturbate / watch porn with the child there.

I think it would be unreasonable to expect a 26 year old to share with a 2 year old. Hes old enough to be the two year old's father. However he is 26 and he moved out so it sounds like you don't have room for him.

Is he likely to get a home soon? Can he get a council house of his own or share with a friend?

If not then maybe the only option is for him to share with the toddler or have the sofa because he moved out and the room is rightfully the toddler's