For a 26 year old to share with a two year old (sibling)

[flowerygardens]

Dss is 26 and ds is 2

Our plan was for ds to have dss old bedroom, he moved out at 23 so we had a spare room and decided to ttc but he moved back home at 24 just before we knew we were expecting back into his old room.
Now there's no bedroom for ds who is in with us for now but would it be unreasonable to expect dss to share with his brother?
We have no idea how long he'll be back home but it sounds like he plans to stay forever now as he doesn't have a great paid job and was struggling to manage on his own.

It's only a 2 bed house and it's council so moving is only an option if we can find an exchange which is almost impossible.
Dp wants to provide him with a home for as long as he needs it but I also need my son to have a room and that was the intended bedroom when we planned to have a baby together in what was then the spare room but dss ended up moving out for such a short time that he still sees it as his room as it always has been.
It's not that I don't want dss there but I had my only child on the expectation that he will have a bedroom because at the time one was spare and understand dp position but feel dp is unreasonable saying he can share our room or we can sleep in the living room which is not how I planned to raise my child.
Dp has been a single parent to ds since he was very small and he doesn't have contact with his mother so I see that to them it's his room and only the age gap between the brothers that's making it difficult because they'd probably need bunk beds.
I honestly feel like everything has backfired and don't know how dss can ever move out now because his situation hasn't changed and he is very comfortable back at home.
I don't think dss would be happy but he has a home and we have to find a way to sleep everyone.

It’s his childhood home!

I would not be happy about a 2 yo or even older child sleeping in the same room as an adult male sibling. What a if he waNts a girl to stay over, or is drunk, or watching inappropriate things on his phone?

Keeptoddler in with you for another year or two, then if DSS is still there your DH will have to share with him and you and DS stay in your room, Not ideal, and at some point DS will need his own room, but maybe by then you can move somewhere bigger if DSS does not launch.

assuming he is likely to get another gf and move out again that is when you can take the room for DS.

It's a council house not bought. So there won't be any inheritance even if the father hadn't remarried

OP, where would your DP like everyone to sleep? You said he wants to give DSS a home indefinitely. So I think it's important to hash out how he wants that to look. Boys sharing, room divided, DS in with you possibly forever as well, DSS on the sofa?

But he’s not a child anymore so how is that relevant?? My parents haven’t kept my childhood bedroom for me, because that would be a waste of space and totally preposterous. Seeing as how I’m a grown up. Some parents even - shock horror - MOVE from where they raised their kids so their children will NEVER step foot back into their childhood home ever again in their whole entire lives! 😱

If you and dp planned the baby with the agreement that would be where baby slept then that's where baby sleeps, 26 year old can move out if he doesn't like it and sleep on the sofa until then and be grateful he was allowed back while he sorts his next move.
You are a family now and he is a grown up who doesn't need his bum wiped.

He is part of the family. It isn't his fault his father had a baby with a new woman that he can't now accommodate. 26 is pretty young nowadays because housing is so expensive. This should have been properly arranged before a new baby was brought into the equation.

This is a dp problem.
I would be giving him an ultimatum either look after his actual child or his overgrown man child, either way there isn't room for in that house to accommodate a man who should be living independently.
If op has moved in it's her home with dp, he grew up and moved out things have changed now, too late to change his mind, bedrooms been taken.
If you check out of a hotel and change your mind when someone else has been allocated that room who gets the room?

The Op was never going to get a fair hearing on MN, seeing the usual hatred towards Step mums.

If he’s paying rent I don’t think you can expect him to share a room. He’s paying for a space and he shouldn’t have to share that with a toddler, and you can’t really ask him to have the living room either. Given that he’s paying.

You need to look at either partitioning your room or the living room to make a separate space. Or help him make a plan to move out. Maybe save him rent for a while to help him with a deposit? Unless you’re living in london then even minimum wage should cover a room in a shared house, unless he’s bad at managing money in which case he may need support with creating a budget.

We really need to write up a curriculum of what society expects parents to teach their children, stage by stage, before the legal milestones at ages 16 and 18. A surprising number of MNetters are failing to pass on the most basic life skills in the necessary timeframe.

All the posters going "oh poor DSS", sorry, but this "lad" is 26! Full grown adult male on his way to 30.

Personally, I'd plop the 2yo in with the 26yo, in the swift and certain hope that 26yo very quickly gets fed up!

Rooms in house shares are very much a thing.

Awkward. If he is otherwise being a reasonable house guest and paying towards his costs, then I would feel bad about forcing him out.

Can you and DH have his room and the two boys have what I assume is the bigger bedroom?

Ideally he will leave of his own accord with no hard feelings once he has shared with a toddler for a while. He could go into a house share, which might be nicer than living in his own.

What's wrong with a 26 year old man being at home? I've done a lot of my family history and there's everything from boys moving to live in as a farm hand from 13 to staying at home well into their 20s until marriage, whilst working. It's not a new thing.

I would take pity on the 26 year old too. With professionals paying over £700 a month for room in a shared house in my area, I simply have no clue about how people in lower salaries manage to eat and put a roof over their heads.

I bet the majority of those saying he has to move out, would not have a problem welcoming their own kid back to his own house if he was struggling. Where there’s a will there’s a way!

This thread is insane.

OP i would send DP in with DSS so at least only 2 per bedroom.

I would hate for my DCs to fail to launch (SEN notwithstanding) and would be doing everything i can to help him spread his wings.

For now can he not save what he would pay in rent to save for a deposit?

If he has a full time job on minimum wage he might be able to find a room on Spare Room that he can afford. Perhaps close by so that he can still come round on a regular basis if he wants to. If you live somewhere really expensive then perhaps it's not an option though.

What does DSS think about all this? He's a grown adult so it's perfectly reasonable to have a proper conversation with him about the problems and the options for resolving it. It doesn't have to be immediate, but something to work towards within the next year.

It's the OP's partner's council home. OP's partner made the decision to have a live in partner and they both made the decision to have a baby, OP under the impression that her partner was not planning to move another adult (who had moved out) into their home.

A 26 yo does not have a "family home" unless they have their own partner and children.

OP had a fair hearing when she posted this before. She’s skewing the story to stir up the ‘ my kids left home on their 16th birthday’ brigade because there are options to accommodate everyone and she did t want to hear them.

The son was only gone a couple of months before he and his gf broke up and he moved home. This second baby had nothing to do with him being gone.

Seems a fair bit of hate towards step kids too. The tone is very different to another thread asking how long people expected their children to stay at home.

What age should an adult be standing on their own two feet, in your opinion?

I haven't seen that thread, but I absolutely think that if you have a 23 yo you should be able to make decisions on the assumption they don't live with you.

It's nothing to do with being a stepchild, it's to do with the fact that the owner of the home has a 2 yo child who takes priority over an adult man who can find somewhere else to live.

He can’t afford to move out - that was in OP’s other thread. Min wage in their area doesn’t cover a room in a shared house plus living expenses.so do you make decisions based on making a member of the family homeless?

There isn't a set age as everyone is different. Life is tough for young people as housing and life is so expensive. I will always welcome my child home if she needs it.