For a 26 year old to share with a two year old (sibling)

[flowerygardens]

Dss is 26 and ds is 2

Our plan was for ds to have dss old bedroom, he moved out at 23 so we had a spare room and decided to ttc but he moved back home at 24 just before we knew we were expecting back into his old room.
Now there's no bedroom for ds who is in with us for now but would it be unreasonable to expect dss to share with his brother?
We have no idea how long he'll be back home but it sounds like he plans to stay forever now as he doesn't have a great paid job and was struggling to manage on his own.

It's only a 2 bed house and it's council so moving is only an option if we can find an exchange which is almost impossible.
Dp wants to provide him with a home for as long as he needs it but I also need my son to have a room and that was the intended bedroom when we planned to have a baby together in what was then the spare room but dss ended up moving out for such a short time that he still sees it as his room as it always has been.
It's not that I don't want dss there but I had my only child on the expectation that he will have a bedroom because at the time one was spare and understand dp position but feel dp is unreasonable saying he can share our room or we can sleep in the living room which is not how I planned to raise my child.
Dp has been a single parent to ds since he was very small and he doesn't have contact with his mother so I see that to them it's his room and only the age gap between the brothers that's making it difficult because they'd probably need bunk beds.
I honestly feel like everything has backfired and don't know how dss can ever move out now because his situation hasn't changed and he is very comfortable back at home.
I don't think dss would be happy but he has a home and we have to find a way to sleep everyone.

Once they've completed their education and had a few months to sort out their plans. Or if they choose to do a degree and then Masters, PhD etc., I'd say they need to have a plan to be doing that independent of their parents input by 22/23ish.

Hoglet70 · Yesterday 20:14
That would be so not right. Poor lad.
**
'Have a 2 year old! Don't like it? Off you pop then. See ya

He’s a 26 year old man. Hardly a “lad”.

What does DP think you should do? It's his house (originally) and his children, why are you the one having to fix everything?

There isn't a set age as everyone is different. Life is tough for young people as housing and life is so expensive. I will always welcome my child home if she needs it.

This!

I will always accommodate my adult children if they are struggling financially or otherwise. I know lots of under 30 year olds who simply cannot afford their own home.

This poor lad already had to endure his parents divorce and now his own dad should throw him out of the house because his new wife wanted a baby??

That’s the crucial question, tbh. The OP isn’t an “evil step mother”, her DP willingly moved her into his house and they had a planned baby. So this is his issue to sort out if he wishes to house his adult son long term.

Of course they can’t kick him out with nowhere to go, but what about in five years when he’s 31 and not a “young” adult anymore? They need to come up with a longterm plan.

I’d much rather my ds stayed with me and saved some money than live in a hideous house share with strangers. Not everyone can afford to rent a lovely flat. Doesn’t mean he’s not capable of looking after himself.

Is there a reason why you haven't registered for a house exchange for 2 years? I think you and your DP really should be considering all the options here and "share with a toddler or leave" is quite extreme because you wouldn't do that to your own child.

@GRex I have a feeling that her DP is refusing to address the issue. Others have asked what he thinks and it’s radio silence from the OP.

The grotty house share is an important rite of passage. It helps supply the motivation to get a decent job and move on in life. Parents who deprive their kids of that learning opportunity don't really have their best interests at heart.

"share with a toddler or leave" is quite extreme because you wouldn't do that to your own child.

I don't think any loving mother would do that to her own child. I would always find a way to accommodate my adult children if they were struggling financially.

Of course it isn’t. Sometimes there’s no choice for many reasons, I have nothing against house shares, but to pay £600 plus a month for a room on minimum wage if you can live somewhere decent is ridiculous, if anything is de-motivating that is. I left home very young but never had to house share, and my motivation was fine.
Living alone, stuck in a room, paying a fortune in rent and not being able to save is not a learning opportunity I’d inflict on anyone if there is a choice.

The grotty house share is an important rite of passage.m

Maybe when we were young and you could actually afford a room while saving some money.

A minimum wage job around most cities in the UK will unfortunately not be enough to pay for housing and save any money.

true🤣

i have intentionally ignored the “we only TTC because we thought he’d gone” in all my analysis as it doesn't address the core issues, and most pp can clearly see why it is being inserted in.

Fgs, just because you "endure" the horror of parents splitting up does not mean you need kid glove treatment for the rest of your life. The father is entitled to move on with his life and have another baby if he wishes to, and he has chosen to do that. Unfortunately, there is now no room in this flat for a 3rd adult.

Letting an adult child live with you when you have a spare room you don't need is one thing, giving them a room whilst your preschooler does not have a room is ridiculous.

👋👋

I think I would consider getting a good bed sofa and having good storage in the larger bedroom for you and the baby. There's a good chance it won't last as long as all that, especially if DSS is encouraged to save or invest in qualifications to improve his earning potential..?

The dad is entitled to move on with his life but he is likely to love both children the same and want to be there for both as well. The OP, being the mother of only one of the children do not see the older brother as part of the household.

Personally, as a divorced woman I would never kick my child out to provide for a younger one, and never would I expect my partner to give priority to a child we had in common over his own children, particularly if it is I who moved into their home in the first place.

Thus guy may be 26 but is paying rent, which makes things easier for the couple and helps them provide better for the younger child, that gives him rights, he is not a sponger crashing at dad’s while doing nothing, he is the eldest brother who also lives at home (his home I might add).

He's an adult, living in a house where there is not enough room for 3 adults.

His options are:
-get a room in a houseshare (and if they are based in London he is likely to need to move outside of London and commute in for work if necessary)
-contact the council and get on the waiting list, but unfortunately as a single man he will be low priority, so it is likely to take a long time.

This is what pretty much every young person on minimum wage has to do. He's had a 2 year buffer zone, but he's a grown up and you cannot expect your parents to house you forever, especially when they have younger children.

I'm sure he does love both children the same, but I think it might be a lot harder for the 2 year old to make it on his own than the 26 year old.

@NotAgainWilson I wouldn’t want to kick an adult child out with nowhere to go either, but the Dad also can’t bury his head in the sand about the situation. He chose to have two children in a two-bedroom house, he needs to figure something out if he wants to house both of them long term.

If they don’t discuss the situation and come up with a longterm plan, it’s going to be cramped when the toddler is 12 and his brother is 36. Or 22 and 46!

Yes it was when he was a child he’s now a grown man and his brother needs his own room in a year or so. It’s also the 2 year olds childhood home and he’s actually a child.

You need to work out a way to all live therebecause your dss has more right to be there than you.

@ageratum1 More than his brother?

His options are:
-get a room in a houseshare (and if they are based in London he is likely to need to move outside of London and commute in for work if necessary)
-contact the council and get on the waiting list, but unfortunately as a single man he will be low priority, so it is likely to take a long time.
This is what pretty much every young person on minimum wage has to do.

Lots of young people have parents that will try to accommodate their young adult children, even if just providing a sofa bed in the living room. So no, those two are not the only options.

Lots of young people do but in this scenario his father does not have space for him to continue living at home and there's no mention of his mother, so those are HIS only realistic options. The current situation can't continue.

BOTH chose to have a child. I take my hat to him agreeing to bring a child into the world when the son he has raised alone is finally an adult. I simply couldn’t no matter how much a new partner wanted it.

Both brothers have an equal right to be there, I bet that if the older one could afford to live out he would be living somewhere else already, but he cannot be kicked out because a toddler needs a single bedroom. There are always ways, from getting a sofa bed, putting a partition in the bigger bedroom, converting the living room into a bedroom or parents sharing with their own offspring. It is not ideal but many families do this out of need.

I can’t see why the older one has to be turfed out when a single minimum salary is not enough to get him a bedroom in a half a decent bedsit in many places around the country. He is a responsible person if he works and pays rent to his dad, it is not a lazy guy trying to live of his dad.