For a 26 year old to share with a two year old (sibling)

[flowerygardens]

Dss is 26 and ds is 2

Our plan was for ds to have dss old bedroom, he moved out at 23 so we had a spare room and decided to ttc but he moved back home at 24 just before we knew we were expecting back into his old room.
Now there's no bedroom for ds who is in with us for now but would it be unreasonable to expect dss to share with his brother?
We have no idea how long he'll be back home but it sounds like he plans to stay forever now as he doesn't have a great paid job and was struggling to manage on his own.

It's only a 2 bed house and it's council so moving is only an option if we can find an exchange which is almost impossible.
Dp wants to provide him with a home for as long as he needs it but I also need my son to have a room and that was the intended bedroom when we planned to have a baby together in what was then the spare room but dss ended up moving out for such a short time that he still sees it as his room as it always has been.
It's not that I don't want dss there but I had my only child on the expectation that he will have a bedroom because at the time one was spare and understand dp position but feel dp is unreasonable saying he can share our room or we can sleep in the living room which is not how I planned to raise my child.
Dp has been a single parent to ds since he was very small and he doesn't have contact with his mother so I see that to them it's his room and only the age gap between the brothers that's making it difficult because they'd probably need bunk beds.
I honestly feel like everything has backfired and don't know how dss can ever move out now because his situation hasn't changed and he is very comfortable back at home.
I don't think dss would be happy but he has a home and we have to find a way to sleep everyone.

The current situation would be fine for another couple of years, after that the sofa bed if necessary.

A 2 yo needs their own space, it's not fair for him to share with parents until he's school aged. OP doesn't mention if he has his own bed in the room but if he's in a double with them I can tell you from experience that no-one is getting a good night's sleep. A sofa bed is not a long term solution, for a start, he presumably owns things and needs space to store those things.

I can't get my head around him still being there, he must be able to tell that the current situation isn't fair and that he's only there because his Dad is too nice to tell him he needs to go. I had to stay with my parents for a brief period a few years ago because there was a hitch with the house buying process and we were left with nowhere to go. I was onto the estate agents, solicitor and vendor constantly to make sure I was out of their hair as soon as possible. And they have 5 double bedrooms.

OK, your mum took the 'traditional MN' ethos that, as soon as you're 'of age', you're on your own; but a huge, huge number of parents don't share that same ethos. Her way wasn't necessarily 'THE right way'.

So many people want to hold very young adults to the same milestones as people of the same age in previous generations, but with no allowance whatsoever about how very, very much more difficult financial independence is these days.

I disagree that a child under 4 needs their own space. They play in a supervised communal space (sitting room) at that age, going to bed for a story and sleep. A sofa bed was mentioned by a pp, I agree it's not a good long term solution, I meant only where necessary. The alternative may be a sofa bed elsewhere.

Lots of young people do but in this scenario his father does not have space for him to continue living at home

He can make space for his older son by getting a sofa bed, putting a partition in the bigger bedroom, converting the living room into a bedroom or parents sharing with their own toddler.

Where there's a will, there will be a way. It appears that his step mother would rather he moves out though.

In many countries the whole family share a room. Why on earth can't two parents share a room with their pre schooler?

I’d stop charging DSS rent/board so he can save a deposit and help him find a flat share to move into within his budget. Once he moves out, he may be eligible for UC to top up his minimum wage as well- so I would help him navigate yhe benefits system as well.

I would not expect him to share with a 2 yr old at age 26. That is ridiculously unreasonable.

I would not expect DSS to sort all this out on his own, none of this is his fault.

For a start, because in many countries, they don't have a choice because they are living off £1 per day, which also means they have hardly any belongings, and because in many countries, people live mostly outside anyway and aren't spending most of their time indoors.

Yes @Redberies , it’s fine for now, but the child won’t be a toddler for long .

As I said upthread, they need to discuss long term plans. Is it realistic for the older son to live there “forever” or not? If so, who’ll be on a sofa bed on the living room when the two sons are 16 and 40? Or could they share the second bedroom after a certain age?

If it’s not realistic, what’s the plan? Can they do a house swap or are they ineligible as the older son isn’t classed as a dependent? Their Dad will need to initiate all of this.

It's far from unheard of - especially in households where there's only one parent (because of divorce or being widowed) - for a/the adult child to stay there and eventually 'take over' the running of and paying for the house, so in effect, it becomes their parent living with them.

I don't know how the rules work with council houses in this scenario - whether the tenancy can pass down once or not - but he may well have seen it that it was just his dad and him, living together in their home, and eventually the roles would swap.

After all, if he'd been living with his mum, instead of with his dad, if he was her only child by the age of 24, it would be highly, highly likely that her only child he would indeed remain.

It is actually perfectly reasonable for people to want to observe the sleeping norms of their own culture.

In the one we're evidently talking about, parents and a preschooler is ok. However, DP has said he wants to house DSS for as long as he needs it. That's an open ended arrangement. He could be there for years. It's one thing DS being in there now, quite another if he's still there at 11.

Housing options are governed by economics, not rites of passage.
In a strong economy with decent jobs and reasonably priced housing, it is easy for young adults to pay rent and save up to move on in life.

You can’t apply the rules of yesteryear to today.

Can you divide the biggest room with a temp/stud wall?

I would not expect DSS to sort all this out on his own, none of this is his fault.

@SpiritAdder Cripes , at 26 I was living in a different country to my parents. So was my Mum at that age. He can definitely do the necessary research himself!

I don't know how the systems work with council/social housing; but surely, if the DSS were likely to be eligible for his own council house, were he to leave, it would be in the council's interest to just move the whole family to a 3-bed house - so it would then only 'cost' them an extra room of stock, rather than a whole additional house?

I know, to read this thread you'd think he was 6, not 26, and instead of just having divorced parents he'd recently emerged, traumatised and injured, from an active warzone. Frankly, I think he should be a bit ashamed of himself.

Sounds like u and hubby need to get a sofa bed in the lounge and the boys need a room each, on a minimum wage job it’s very unlikely he’d be about to rent privately for any length of time without getting in debt. As a step parent u need to realise the child eas in the equation before u were.

So was I, but it is a terrible ageist mistake to think that the world is not far worse and much much harder for young people today than it was for us or their grandparents.

There is nothing wrong with helping our adult children navigate and successfully launch into what is a much more difficult world compared to what we had.

You’re assuming @BruFord ’s age though. Maybe it’s regional but barely any mid 20s people I know live at home, at the very least they’re in a house share.

@SpiritAdder I agree that the world is harder in some ways, but information is also far easier to access. He can research his benefits entitlements and potential house shares online, whereas we couldn’t. At 26, I don’t know why he’d need parents to help with that.

Helping him to save for a deposit by reducing his current contribution is something his Dad/step-Mum could do.

I’m an oldie, @BingoMarieHeeler , 50 this year!

But my DD (19) recently found a flat to share with friends without my input, although I was willing to help. I read through the contract before she signed it and I’m a guarantor, but she did the research and viewings. You have to let young adults learn how to navigate the world.

It is easier, but also not easier. There are tons of rent scams online and any one who has never lived on their own may not know how to spot a slum Lord or understand their rights as a tenant. The benefits system is a labyrinth, and there is a ton of very BAD advice online mixed in with the good.

In short, the easy part is finding information, the hard part is determining what is legit and what is not. A young adult who has never lived outside the family home at any age is vulnerable in that they have not yet learned these kinds of street smarts. Parents should share their hard won wisdom, or expect to see their child taken advantage of.

I agree that parents can always offer advice and guidance if it’s asked for, @SpiritAdder .

You read through the contract and you signed as guarantor- you did exactly the kind of help that I am advising the OP & DH to do and are taking me to task for!

(How dare you treat your 19 yo like she is 6, she could have researched what a rental contract should say on her own, and how dare she ask you to be a guarantor, the feckless girl will likely spend the rent money at Glastonbury and you will have to pay it!)