To end friendship over holiday?

[mycongratations]

Last weekend I went to Milan with a friend, got there early afternoon Friday to leave Sunday morning.

All started off great. We’d got taxis on the Friday which had ended up being expensive and then I realised there was a metro. I said to her oh just wait here whilst I take a photo of this metro name/number so I can figure out the stops/line we need and she just wandered off. Obviously I did it at both ends (main square and hotel) and both times she just kept walking when I knew she’d heard me.

After I figured out what line we needed we used the metro and she exclaimed “why don’t we just do this yesterday?!”. Like it was my fault when she did absolutely nothing to help figure it out.

The hotel had a mini spa and I booked us in for an hour as it was part of our booking but she kept ranting about how much they were going to charge us. Even though I repeatedly said it’s free but if they do I’ll pay for the spa because I booked it and it would be my mistake. Still not good enough and she kept ranting. When they didn’t charge us she said nothing.

On the Saturday afternoon when I asked her what she wanted to do “I’m not bothered” so I said let’s get Aperol Spritz on the balcony which overlooks the cathedral - my treat. “No I don’t want to do that”.

I tried to remain positive and cheery knowing she was in a mood and just not giving it attention and thinking she’ll bring herself out of it. The Sunday morning was horrible, there was so much tension I didn’t dare speak. I offered to get us a taxi to the bus that goes to the airport (I have a knee injury and it had been fine but by the Sunday it was painful) and she said no we’ll walk, then she looked at me and said really aggressively “well I can tell by your face you don’t want to”

Thankfully on the plane we were sat at opposite ends. But this meant we boarded at different ends, so I said wait for me near these stairs or I’ll wait for you - as neither of us will know if the other one has got off yet. As I was walking from the back stairs after landing I immediately saw her just walking off with no intention of waiting for me - we drove in my car so we were not parting ways at the airport.

I genuinely don’t think I did anything wrong on the trip, not saying I’m perfect but there was no one big thing that I can pinpoint as to why she’d behave so miserably - the entire trip was her idea.

Someone mentioned the same thing earlier in the thread and your most recent post suggests ADHD to me

Oh, please. I have ADHD- I certainly dont treat my friends like the dirt off the bottom of my shoe.

Please dont imply that selfish behaviour is automatically due to ADHD/ND, its really offensive.

I’m not arguing these points anymore.

If a friends say “hang on a minute, I’m just going to take this photo” then I guess I should snap at them “don’t give me instructions!” And march off. I’ll do similar when a meeting point is suggested too, “how dare you suggest that”.

Theres no winning with you. I’m a horrible bossy control freak who demands we follow my schedule and do only what I want. Now suddenly I should have organised absolutely everything and it’s my fault and I’m trying to force her into making decisions.

“Back down on the taxi thing”, at what point did I not back down on absolutely everything else?. You have your friend snarl in your face and then say “here’s our Uber you didn’t want, hop in!”

But whatever. I’m a horrible bossy monster who planned to the second everything she must do, in fact i should have also packed her bag and got her snacks for the plane as well. Let’s not forget that I booked a spa without asking her whilst manically laughing at my evil plan and forced her into a steam room against her will - because it’s what I wanted to do and I always get my way.

Youre being blocked now, so I can’t see your reply. It’s how I’m deciding to deal with negative horrible people that just want to see everyone miserable.

I do too. Obviously one of the terminally offended contingent. Sigh.

One is perfectly entitled to offer their opinion last time I looked at MN guidelines so cop on to yourself.

Theres no winning with you. I’m a horrible bossy control freak who demands we follow my schedule and do only what I want. Now suddenly I should have organised absolutely everything and it’s my fault and I’m trying to force her into making decisions.

Your reading comprehension is really odd. Me saying she may not have liked having to make decisions was just that, she may have been unhappy to have to make decisions, some people hate it, and don't like being put under pressure, that's not a reflection on you or your fault even though you've chosen to take that as a personal insult for some reason.

You obviously can't see it from any side other than your own and have over-reacted to anyone on here suggesting your friend may have been unhappy with you about something.

If you think you are 100% in the right and couldn't possibly have done anything to upset her, why post on here, why not just do the simple thing and ask your actual (ex?) friend? Surely the only person that can answer that question is her?

Rhetorical question obviously...

I think I’ve been on this trip 😁 Except in my case there were three of us. Friend 1 was fine. Friend 2 complained whatever we did.

On the first day, Friend 1 and I were apparently walking too fast and trying to cram too much in. Yet when after dinner we were happy to walk around the city looking for a nice spot for a drink, she was complaining that we “wouldn’t” just pick somewhere and was whining “Let’s just find a bar! Any bar!!” as if we were making her walk through the desert.

On day two we were told in a very schoolmarm tone, “No striding off today. Just relax; take it all in; enjoy it”. So we took things slowly; stopped for a long lunch, and then later a drink, at her request - and when after we’d looked round the castle in the afternoon, she gave a tinkly laugh and said “I can’t believe this is all we’ve managed to see all day!”

On the last night, she wanted to stay watching this riverside entertainment when we need to get back to the apartment if we wanted to have time to eat and go out afterwards. She moaned about leaving earlier than she wanted to, then faffed about while getting ready, and then complained that she didn’t like any of the smattering of restaurants still open. What were we meant to do?!

We're still friends on paper, but in practice rarely see each other. It’s very tiring trying to do something when you know whatever it is will be wrong.

I do too. Obviously one of the terminally offended contingent. Sigh

Typical MN, noone can ever just be an arsehole- they always have to be ND dont they?

Maybe she's just not a very nice person? - it IS possible given her past behaviour

If you were driving you should’ve left her at the airport to find her own way home.

This wasn’t about my DD controlling ( I completely get you with people controlling in the guise of organising things) however my DD spent so much time and effort into organising her and friend’s trip, friend suggested trip but had no interest in doing any of the work and actually told DD as such….

OP I think this update about other things your friend has done puts it into context. I don't think she has ADHD or is a bad traveller or any of the other excuses.

I think she's just not a very nice person, who has no respect for you. I don't mean that horribly - I've been that person myself who has let friends treat me badly, and you sound lovely. But any one of the things on that list would be enough reason to distance yourself from her.

Obviously both could have used Google. But clearly neither did. Which then led to tension at arrival when a decision needed to be made and they made an expensive wrong one was made. They could have agreed together prior to that what to do, (if anyone had taken agency over themselves)

that miscommunication and dependence on the other led to an expensive mistake, creating distrust around the spa.

i said in a post earlier to that, that people should always gain at least a little knowledge of where they are going so they aren’t reliant on someone else to tell them where to go. Esp if money is involved.

The taxi situation set the tone. I think the lesson really is for both travellers not to assume the other person knows where to go and how much it’ll cost…

And I’m not blaming you OP. I had a friend who gets pissed off at me if I didn’t send her a link to the menu, parking instructions and a map to any restaurant we were going to. But if I was going on holiday with her (which I never would obviously) you can bet your life I’d preempt that she wouldn’t know the metro went and find out myself.

This is why I never go on holiday with friends, ever. Too many stories like this where people get pissed off and it ruins friendships.

She's clearly a total fucking princess who expects you, her PA, to attend to her every whim. Fuck that and fuck her.

Well, no, to be honest. I don't think it's typical at all.

I can't say that I've seen the consensus being that the friend is ND on this thread so I think you're being overly defensive.

Maybe the friend is just incredibly rude. Maybe the OP is overbearing and dominant. Maybe the friend has a personality disorder. Who knows. I'm offering a suggestion based on my reading of what the OP has posted. And I shall reiterate, it sounds like overwhelm.

And I think people have been a little unfair on @sandyhappypeople. I see where they are coming from. Yes, the friend was a moody nightmare but if the friend needed to draw breath and the OP was constantly shallwedothisorthatorshallwegohereorabouthisandhwhatdothinkaboutmaybetryingthisandletmeknowhwatyouthink then is it any wonder that the friend nearly lost her mind?

I don't think it's as straightforward as is being made out.

Stoke-on-Trent says NO!

does your first name begin with J and did this happen in the early nineties?

This therapy session speak is all very well, but at the end of the day, if the OP’s friend found it “infantilising”, she had every opportunity to speak up; to suggest alternatives or offer to plan things herself. All she needed to do was speak up. Instead, she just shrugged and said she didn’t mind, only to pooh-pooh any suggestion that the OP provided.

It’s very wearing dealing with someone who d know what they want, but knows they don’t want what they’ve actually got or what’s on offer.

Your friend sounds a bit shit when you look at the big picture…
I am an Aussie, but lived in the Netherlands for years. I always had a rather fraught relationship with my mum. she came over with a couple of her friends to Italy and organised for me to play chauffeur for a couple of weeks, which I agreed to, knowing that her mates were a little less stressful than she was, and that there would be an agreement that I could have half a day to myself to do my own thing every day. (Also an understanding that I do not speak Italian and that Italy is basically the antithesis of the Netherlands)… There was a day when the other ladies and I served my mother penis-shaped pasta and waited with baited breath until she noticed and spat it across the table. (It was a very nice truffle and Parmesan pesto, thank you…) We were all entirely over her antics by that stage.

But it is the friend’s responsibility as an adult to behave like one. Why couldn’t she open her mouth and assert herself. She doesn’t sound like a shrinking angel.

your long post is quite astute and I recognise myself in it to some extent, which is why I identify so much with op (I am very organised too and it rubs some people the wrong way) but when my friend kicked off at me it felt so abusive because it was out of all proportion and the same goes for OP’s friend who is happy to have someone do all the footwork until she isn’t and then there is hell to pay.

I stand by my original post. OP’s friend sees op almost as a servant and op has been willing to run around after her in order to maintain a friendship that doesn’t exist. OP’s updates bear this out. Now is the time for op to get out and save her energy and kindness for herself.

You did NOTHING wrong OP- your friend is simply not very pleasant and I think you deserve better.

If your friend was unhappy about something she should have used her words and told you and as for the not suggesting anything and then getting pissy when you did- thats just absolutely ridiculous. If you hadnt suggested something you would have just been wandering around aimlessly- what kind of shit holiday is that?

Get rid - she brings nothing to your life and has treated you extremely poorly. I suspect you wont be the first she treats like this and you wont be the last. She'll probably end up in a few years with no friends left wondering what the heck happened. Life is too short to waste it on people who treat you badly- especially people who are supposed to be "friends".

Hmm ok weird behavior on her part but.. were you being a bit bossy/authoritarian? Perhaps she felt like you were constantly making all the plans and telling her what to do?

Do you have a tendency to “take over” or am I completely misreading your post 😅

If not then yeah that is really strange behavior on her part. Have you asked her about it now that you’re back?

I had an awful trip with a friend once. She complained about EVERYTHING and just wanted to spend the evening drinking and smoking, whereas I’m not really into drinking and wanted to relax by the pool. We just had different expectations about what a holiday should look like. Could that be what happened here OP?

Have you missed out the very important detail that she’s actually your 14 year old teenage daughter? That’s exactly how she’s behaving!
Who knows why she got herself in such a funk, but not an experience you would want to repeat!

I did this to DH once. We’d gone to a shopping centre and he was being a prick so I just got in the car and drove home alone. His face was a picture 😂😂

@mycongratations ignore that sandy poster. You don’t have to justify anything to them, they obviously have their own axe to grind, who knows why.

Well done on being done with this ‘friend’ - a very healthy decision.

I had a very similar trip, to Disney land, a few weeks ago. I’ve not spoke to her since we got back 😂 and I don’t really want to either!