To end friendship over holiday?

[mycongratations]

Last weekend I went to Milan with a friend, got there early afternoon Friday to leave Sunday morning.

All started off great. We’d got taxis on the Friday which had ended up being expensive and then I realised there was a metro. I said to her oh just wait here whilst I take a photo of this metro name/number so I can figure out the stops/line we need and she just wandered off. Obviously I did it at both ends (main square and hotel) and both times she just kept walking when I knew she’d heard me.

After I figured out what line we needed we used the metro and she exclaimed “why don’t we just do this yesterday?!”. Like it was my fault when she did absolutely nothing to help figure it out.

The hotel had a mini spa and I booked us in for an hour as it was part of our booking but she kept ranting about how much they were going to charge us. Even though I repeatedly said it’s free but if they do I’ll pay for the spa because I booked it and it would be my mistake. Still not good enough and she kept ranting. When they didn’t charge us she said nothing.

On the Saturday afternoon when I asked her what she wanted to do “I’m not bothered” so I said let’s get Aperol Spritz on the balcony which overlooks the cathedral - my treat. “No I don’t want to do that”.

I tried to remain positive and cheery knowing she was in a mood and just not giving it attention and thinking she’ll bring herself out of it. The Sunday morning was horrible, there was so much tension I didn’t dare speak. I offered to get us a taxi to the bus that goes to the airport (I have a knee injury and it had been fine but by the Sunday it was painful) and she said no we’ll walk, then she looked at me and said really aggressively “well I can tell by your face you don’t want to”

Thankfully on the plane we were sat at opposite ends. But this meant we boarded at different ends, so I said wait for me near these stairs or I’ll wait for you - as neither of us will know if the other one has got off yet. As I was walking from the back stairs after landing I immediately saw her just walking off with no intention of waiting for me - we drove in my car so we were not parting ways at the airport.

I genuinely don’t think I did anything wrong on the trip, not saying I’m perfect but there was no one big thing that I can pinpoint as to why she’d behave so miserably - the entire trip was her idea.

Emotionally immature people (and this can arise from many causes in childhood) communicate through moods and emotional contagion rather than words. Sometimes its a learned behaviour: parents were uncommunicative or abusive so this person never learned to use their wirds or think logically or to problem solve with another person. Lots of these situations are basically problems to be solved but these women treat them as opportunities for guessing games and use sulking/avoidance/walking away/ambiguity to try to force you to give them what they want (and they may not know what they want) without having to come out snd say it directly.

Ditch her OP

@Flocke I recognise an ex friend in everything you've detailed there - exact same behaviour.

For a while I tried to figure out why but then I just thought it really doesnt matter. They dont care that they treat others so poorly and all that matters is that I dont have to put up with it. Its a terrible way to treat people you supposedly care about.

This ex friend of mine now has no friends left as she's still doing this shit and I know many mutual friends, including myself, distanced themselves from her after a few years because they refused to put up with it any longer and there are only so many times you can give someone the benefit of the doubt. I am quite sure if you asked her though, she'd say she was the victim in it all and the problem was with everyone else, never her.

I had a similar experience recently in Belgium. It was her idea to go but all she did the entire time was snap at me, talk about her husband, tell me how many expensive places she had been too, not want to go to the places I did, and stare at her phone. She even downloaded Netflix for something to do. Never again. I have a much better time on my own.

I had a similar experience on a hen do. One friend I've known for years complained about everything. The food. The pool. The hotel. Had a grumpy face on the whole time. I had driven the friends on my hen do for reasons I won't go into and I refused to drive her home as she was so awful. There were other friends there so they got a lift but didn't even say thanks.

We didn't speak for years. We speak now but are not close, don't make plans to meet up, and just see each other at friend group meet ups. She doesn't give much in conversation. I think she's autistic but so am I and I still have consideration for others.

Same with my friend she's ALWAYS the victim. Anyone she's ever fallen out with its always their fault. I have no doubt she's told everyone what a bitch I am for pulling back from the friendship. But quite frankly at my age I couldn't care less. Most people eventually see what she's like anyway.
I feel such relief that I don't need to put up with it anymore. The long car/train journeys in silence etc. Her not even saying goodbye after I'd dropped her home.
But then she'd ring a week later chatting away and being really nice and friendly. That's what made it worse. The sudden switch. You could have the best night out with so much laughing and fun. She could be a right laugh. But then..... instant mood change.

Urgh, I have so been there. Its awful.

I went on holiday with a friend- she spent the entire time (and when I say entire time- I mean the entire time) wanting to get absolutely smashed and hooking up with random men we met at bars/clubs. I have no problem with that at all in private but not when you are SHARING a hotel room and she wants some strange bloke to come back to your shared living space who could potentially rob us or much much worse.

We ended up having a huge row about it, and she started going back to their rooms instead leaving me to fret and worry about her safety knowing that if she did disappear I couldnt even give the police the man's name or anything because they were literal strangers. What was odd is that she didnt behave like that prior to the holiday- it was as if going abroad caused her to go temporarily insane.

Our friendship was never the same after that and we drifted apart.

One of my lasting memories of one of my ex-bf is a couple of months before we broke up. I'd gone to stay with him and I'd grown up quite a bit I think. We were catching a tube train and he didn't understand how the map worked. I was a bit rude I suspect about his ignorance but took charge and we got on the correct train. (He thought the train was going south because the stations were listed downwards).

It was possibly a nail in the coffin of our relationship. He was sulky and grumpy for the rest of the weekend. I suspect your friend felt the same about you and the Metro. She's the one who's been to Italy lots of times before and you worked out the Metro in minutes. She spent a fortune on a taxi that she didn't need to spend.

The sudden switch

Yup- it's the most disconcerting thing ever. One minute she's chatty and lovely, the next day it's angry stroppy silence. I used to feel so much anxiety when meeting her because I'd never know which version of her I'd be getting on that particular day.

I honestly wish I hadn't put up with it as long as I did- it was a really unhealthy dynamic.

Something similar happened to me, went on a holiday with a friend, unexpected things happened don’t couldn’t be the lovey relaxing holiday she had planned and just didn’t help out in anything and I saw her in a whole new light, our friendship fizzled out and my life has been all the more positive for it. She was always a negative Nelly and I was fed up of always making excuses for her

What was odd is that she didn’t behave like that prior to the holiday- it was as if going abroad caused her to go temporarily insane.

I think there is something in this comment of @Noirdesir. It isn’t unknown for people’s decision making and perception of risk to be completely thrown off by being abroad - the sun is shining, everything’s exciting, people seen more attractive, you are out of your normal pattern... So perhaps you decide to do things that are out of character for you or which you wouldn’t ever dream of doing at home. Hopefully for most people it will just be a bit regrettable or a story to tell…

As far as holiday compatibilities go, this is pretty tame to be honest. Have you not travelled much with mates in your youth? You get all sorts.
You sound very sensitive and overwhelmed by the trip yourself. Are you usually an anxious type of traveller? Your friend maybe got caught in the crosshairs and projection of your own anxiety.

Doesn't sound like you viewed her as much of a friend, in which case, why didn’t you leave? It might have put both of you in a better mood.

Speak with your mouth and feet next time.

Sounds like a miserable trip for you op!

Your friend behaved as if you were her stepmother and she a sulky teen. You were supposed to fuss about trying to get a smile from her.

Dear god, you read some convoluted crap on here lately.

I'm now 62 and if going with a friend I come right to the point before we go. I don't do shared rooms unless it's a 2 bed apartment- I ask in advance if it's a splash the cash situation or do we need to be a bit more frugal- I make it clear that what I enjoy is breakfast together, do
My own thing and meet up late afternoon for a drink and then dinner together unless it's trip out kind of day- done too many holidays when younger where I ended up not enjoying breaks due to someone not being upfront that things were tight for them, had ongoing stuff at home that was occupying their mental space, wanted to be joined at the hip etc, etc.

I suspect money was the root of this OP- people can be funny about money even if their life looks ok on the surface and just don't come to the point. Instead they ruin friendships by simply not being honest and getting passive aggressive.

I would actually message and say 'is everything ok' you seemed very down on that break - was it something I said or did? It gives them the chance to open up . That's if you are actually bothered about the friendship of course.

I'm pretty sure it's not you (you sound exactly like me) it's them

I've worked in a call center since was 18, I'm 38 now. I cannot tell you how many times I've heard people talking about destroyed friendships after being on holiday. You just don't know someone till you spend full on one on one time with them. I would say this is probably her personality you just didnt spend enough time with her to notice/realise till now 😶‍🌫️

She sounds like someone who is incredibly stressed about money and other things have piled on top of that that makes everything feel worse.

Is she in a tight spot financially? The expensive taxis at the start might have created difficulties for her (although she was of course wrong to blame you for not magically figuring out the metro sooner!) and then she got anxious about possibly having to pay for the spa and maybe her pride was wounded by you offering to pay for the spritz and then the taxi at the end? You didn’t do anything wrong but some people are funny about other folk paying for stuff.
But then as you say the trip was her idea and she surely didn’t expect Milan to be a budget friendly trip?!
Talk to her- ‘I feel you were annoyed during the trip, like something was off, did I do something to offend you?’.
or maybe she is is just a massive misery guts. Some people don’t do well out of their comfort zone.

She should be able to handle that like a grown up though rather than stropping about and not using her words.

Do you have more money than her?

Horrible behaviour and even if she was bothered by something you'd inadvertently done the fact that she chose to say nothing and ruin your trip instead just shows that she's not a true friend. hope you drove home without her and blocked her on everything - I would have!

Sounds like u pissed her off, I'd ask her outright what did I do? Atleast that way if u didn't she's going to know how u felt and maybe explain her problem because she clearly had one 🤔 and if she denies ot fuck her life's too short for grumpy childish people I wouldn't end friendship but I'd hold back alot and definitely not book trips with her again and id tell her why not

Maybe convoluted is the right word but I hate this sort of non supportive wishy washy can’t pick a side so blame the victim in a patronising way sort of crap.

@mycongratations Have you heard from her at all?
I was thinking that you said you'd never been to Italy before, but she had apparently been there many times and has family there (so you'd expect she'd know all about it and lead the way and be a tour guide to you). I am wondering if she felt offended that you took charge, as it were, and basically put her nose out of joint on her own 'home terf', basically? That she felt it was her home terf, she should have been making the decisions, not you who nothing about Italy.
It doesn't excuse her behaviour, attitude and treatment of you, but I am wondering if she felt you were being cheeky by taking the lead, and that got her back up?