To end friendship over holiday?

[mycongratations]

Last weekend I went to Milan with a friend, got there early afternoon Friday to leave Sunday morning.

All started off great. We’d got taxis on the Friday which had ended up being expensive and then I realised there was a metro. I said to her oh just wait here whilst I take a photo of this metro name/number so I can figure out the stops/line we need and she just wandered off. Obviously I did it at both ends (main square and hotel) and both times she just kept walking when I knew she’d heard me.

After I figured out what line we needed we used the metro and she exclaimed “why don’t we just do this yesterday?!”. Like it was my fault when she did absolutely nothing to help figure it out.

The hotel had a mini spa and I booked us in for an hour as it was part of our booking but she kept ranting about how much they were going to charge us. Even though I repeatedly said it’s free but if they do I’ll pay for the spa because I booked it and it would be my mistake. Still not good enough and she kept ranting. When they didn’t charge us she said nothing.

On the Saturday afternoon when I asked her what she wanted to do “I’m not bothered” so I said let’s get Aperol Spritz on the balcony which overlooks the cathedral - my treat. “No I don’t want to do that”.

I tried to remain positive and cheery knowing she was in a mood and just not giving it attention and thinking she’ll bring herself out of it. The Sunday morning was horrible, there was so much tension I didn’t dare speak. I offered to get us a taxi to the bus that goes to the airport (I have a knee injury and it had been fine but by the Sunday it was painful) and she said no we’ll walk, then she looked at me and said really aggressively “well I can tell by your face you don’t want to”

Thankfully on the plane we were sat at opposite ends. But this meant we boarded at different ends, so I said wait for me near these stairs or I’ll wait for you - as neither of us will know if the other one has got off yet. As I was walking from the back stairs after landing I immediately saw her just walking off with no intention of waiting for me - we drove in my car so we were not parting ways at the airport.

I genuinely don’t think I did anything wrong on the trip, not saying I’m perfect but there was no one big thing that I can pinpoint as to why she’d behave so miserably - the entire trip was her idea.

Had a married friend and we went to Greece for a week. Hubby was happy for us to go away as he was busy at work. The minute we got there my friend was being flirty with lots of blokes and she got together with one and pretty much abandoned me for the whole holiday. Longest week ever. Hubby picked us up from airport. Never went away with her again. People you assume u know well aren’t always good holiday buddies

Woah! Whats wrong with stoke on trent?

This. I work on the three strikes and you're out. If you're rude or selfish the first time, I give you the benefit of the doubt - you might be tired or ill or whatever. The second time, I take careful note, but don't make an issue out of it. The third time and I know it's a pattern. I either tackle it outright (in the hope there will be an apology and change of behaviour) or I opt for a slow fade (essential with covert narcs) and blame it on myself/life circumstances so they don't realise I'm actually ditching them.

Life is too short for people who take the piss.

Oh dear, I'm sorry OP but sounds like she can be quite a difficult friend. Only thing that comes to mind: did something unusual happen between you two on the way to the airport or a few days before the holiday, that she could potentially be holding a grudge about? Although, it sounds like it all started after she realised metro travel would have been cheaper, but again that's neither your fault nor your sole responsibility to work out so she can't really blame you. Or maybe she felt compelled to get a taxi because of your knee? Although, this wouldn't make sense if you were the person to suggest checking the metro in the first place. Also, if cost was an issue for her, then she needs to realise that travelling is expensive and there will be costs that you won't have anticipated - sometimes you just have to suck up the extra cost to have a good time. In 10 years she won't remember how much she paid for a taxi but she will remember the nice spa experience she had!

Maybe that Sandy poster is your friend? 👀👀

I'm sorry OP, sounds like a shit holiday and a total waste of money ❤️

You sound lovely though! I'll be your holiday companion next time 😅

She behaved absolutely horrendously! And you probably panicked and tried to appease her at every turn! I did this for YEARS it was exhausting! Unfortunately she now knows this will be the dynamics of the friendships ( you appeasing) Let's face it if this was a man you'd dump him immediately! The I miss you is classic love bombing 💣 for when her petulant behaviours left her lonely with her first choice friends. Please, do yourself a favour and fuck the narcissistic, drain of fun right off!

Oh dear I feel for you. This woman is mean, childish and self-centred. You don't need negative people like this in your life. Send her a message telling her that her behaviour both puzzled and saddened you and, with this in view, you now need to step back from the friendship. Wish her well and cut any further communication. You'll feel much better when you do this. Good luck!

I think that might be your friend that's why she's defensive.OP you seem like a lovely person.

Some people just can’t cope with being away from home. We have a family member who behaved like a tantruming toddler in Florida, really quite extreme behaviour. Back in the UK they were gushing about what a lovely time they had.

People are strange.

I'm really sorry this happened to you OP.

I've had that a couple of times tbh. Usually with people who thought they were a bit above me. When they get stressed or outside their comfort zone they just become horrible. Then because they think I'm not up to their standard, they don't feel embarassed about treating me like garbage.

FWIW I'm certain I've done it to other people too, but I am certain that I wouldn't have noticed. I think people can just be callous and self-centred sometimes and it's much easier to hand it out then to be on the receiving end.

It's not great really.

Your friend sounds like she's unhappy with going on a holiday with a friend despite suggesting it. My thoughts are she's frustrated & wishing it was with a male friend etc, if that's her thing of course. If not then perhaps she's expecting more.

Years ago I made the mistake of going on holiday with a work colleague, who literally changed overnight from being a happy, confident and fun person into a fearful, neurotic mess. It was a week in Barcelona, which you can't really go wrong with as it is a city that has everything (this was the 90s), culture, great cuisine, great shopping, beach, museums, classy clubs, etc...

I think some people just don't travel well.

I went away with a good friend recently. We have been friends for 30 years but it’s the first time we’ve been away together and she drove me up the wall. Nothing major just lots of little irritating habits that I found so grating. I am sure I did the same to her. Once we get to a certain age I think we get our quirky little ways that can be tough to live with 24/7. So maybe you just annoyed your friend in different ways without realising? I think you can put it down to experience and just don’t have holidays together. I wouldn’t go away with my friend again, but we’ll still have our calls and meet-ups.

Did you not think she was too much of a pain before you booked??

She really hasn't been much of a friend

@mycongratations you sound like a lovely friend and def didnt deserve what happened.

Not only was she geberally incinsiderate and argumentative but she didnt care about yoyr knee injury, wtf.

Friends like that we can all do without.

Hope your knee gets better - I have a knackered knee and I know how painful it can be.

In the nicest possible way, I don’t think you need to give this any thought. You don’t need to worry about ending the friendship, as it has been ended for you. From all of the above it sounds like she absolutely cannot stand you or being in your company (really sorry and not trying to be horrible, that is just really how it sounds!) Hope you have other good friends to lean on. I would count this as a blessing in disguise and don’t give her another thought.

Ooh, do you think you might have been the friend? What did you do?

That doesn’t sound like the behaviour of a friend, it sounds like something you read about a woman who has a moody, toxic partner. The friendship would be over for me.

Ive always thought going on holiday is when you see the real person.

Ive been friends with someone for years, we had a long weekend together in a place we'd both wanted to visit, and i will never go away with her again. She's fine to meet up now and again for coffee or a meal, but I'll never go on holiday with her again. Strangely enough her memory of the trip is a good one, tells everyone what a wonderful time we had and keeps suggesting we'd go somewhere else. My recollection is that she was moody, sulked, wouldn't make a decision, when I did it was the wrong one, split everything down the middle, to the penny when we had a meal but was more than happy to let me buy drinks and ice cream without ever repaying the favour. Tbh she was that miserable I thought she might go home early.

It sounds like you are a ‘planner’ and she just goes with the flow. That could have been irritating to her, and as you said , she had family in Italy and is used to being there, so perhaps she just couldn’t see why you wanted to be careful and a ‘tourist’. Perhaps she wanted to just shop?You wanted to take it all in, because you’d not been to Italy before.
Having said that, I think she behaved diabolically, and I personally wouldn’t bother with her again.

@Whothefuckdoesthat not me, but two former colleagues. One of them had a boyfriend who “just happened” to be at the same resort at the same time. The other person didn’t enjoy sharing a room with them when the boyfriend kept staying the night in the adjacent bed.

they carried on working together but the friendship was over.

I've had a similar experience and it still baffles me to this day. Perfectly lovely friend (or so I thought), went away on holiday and she morphed into a petulant toddler, moody, whined about everything yet also wouldnt suggest anything instead.

I wasnt in the least bit bossy as one poster keeps insisting- I was calm and empathetic throughout, asked her what she would like to do, asked her to make some suggestions, said I'd happily do whatever she'd like to do, offered to pay for stuff,- she kept saying she didnt know and didnt want to do anything. So, I had no choice but to suggest things myself as otherwise we'd have ended up just sitting in awkward silence in our hotel room the entire holiday. I didnt pay £££ to go abroad to sit in a bloody hotel room 24/7.

Everything I suggested she moaned about, was sulky and moody, stroppy, and vile to be around. The only time she seemed remotely happy was when she got pissed at the hotel bar and I had to practically carry her back to the room. When we got back she told people she loved it and asked if I'd go again with her. I told her absolutely not and explained why in a kind way. She seemed completely oblivious to the way she behaved and the fact that I'd spent the entire holiday walking on eggshells.

We are no longer friends and frankly, I am relieved. I will never go on holiday ever again with a friend because I am still completely shocked at her bizarre personality transplant.

It's interesting from reading this thread that it seems much more common than I thought and it makes me feel a bit better about it as it's hard not to take it personally when this happens.

OP- its not you- you've been lovely, its her. Get rid of her and make new, better friends who dont treat you like garbage.

I think your close friend has made a very perceptive comment here. You don’t need to be that person who she can pick up and drop on a whim. You deserve better than that from friends! It’s a power game and you are right to want to get clear of that for your own self esteem.

I think unless you've experienced a "friend" like this no one can really understand what it's like.
I know EXACTLY the type of behaviour OP is describing. It's fucking weird and can seem to happen out of the blue. I think it's often because the "friend" didn't get their own way in some way. But you might not even know about it which makes it worse. It doesn't need to have been you/ happened at that time triggers it either.

I had a friend for about 20 years who would do this often. I was young and a people pleaser and allowed it to happen for far too long.

One example around 10 years ago was on a night out in a local city. She was newly dating someone who had said they MIGHT come and meet us for a drink. By midnight everyone was ready to go home. But she was saying she was having too much fun and we were all boring so I stupidly agreed to stay out longer. Half an hour later she suddenly decided she wanted to go home. I said OK I'll just pop to the loo I'll be back in a minute. Came back and she'd gone. I was ringing her and she answered and said "I'm walking to the station I didn't know where you'd gone". I said I told you I went to the loo!! She just said "I didn't hear you". So what she just thought I randomly walked off??? I ran to catch up with her (she didn't stop walking to wait) and even when almost there I stopped to adjust my shoe and asked her to just wait a minute she wouldn't. I realised later she was pissed off that new bloke said he wasn't able to meet her. But that was never communicated to me. Just suddenly started treating me like shit.

Another more recent one was after a weekend away with lots of friends. We'd agreed before that we'd travel home together and get brunch before getting on the train.
I rang in the morning and said what time should we meet in hotel reception. She was very blunt with replies and I knew exactly the mood she was in.
"What time should we meet?"
"I dunno. Whenever"
"11?"
"Yeah whatever. Seems late to me but whatever."
"OK 10? 10.30?"
"Just whatever. Whatever you want. I told you I don't care."
"Fine then. 10.30."
She hangs up without saying bye.
I get down there at 10.20. By 10.45 she's not there. I ring her. She doesn't answer. Ring 5 mins later she's at the shops. I said shall I meet you there then? She says "if you want."
Why the fuck I didn't just go home I don't know. I find her in the shops eventually say do you want food then. "Yeah whatever." We walk to the restaurant area and she just walks past them all without stopping or making any suggestions. I say what about that place? She says if you want. I say OK let's look at the menu and she's just kept walking.

Honestly it's fucking weird when people act like this.
Before anyone says I should ask her what's wrong, I have many times over the years. I normally get "nothing" as a response. Sometimes i just got silence.
Sometimes she's got on trains without waiting for me. She's also done the getting off plane thing and walked off only waiting for me by the exit (same as the OP I'm the driver of the two so she often needs to wait for me to drive her home). It's just weird when the two of you are stuck in a passport queue separately purely because she just walks off. When there's been no actual argument etc.

I have so many other examples but my post would go on forever. End of the story is though we are no longer friends really. I'm polite when I see her through mutual friends, but I will never see her alone or be left alone with her now.

Yes, this is a phenomenon of holidays ruining friendships and its very common sadly.

You never truly know someone until you have spent 24/7 in their company for a period of time and it can be quite shocking.

I remember going on holiday with 2 friends - one couldn't drive and the other could but seemed a bit reluctant to do so. Fine, no probs, I'll drive but I said I didnt want to be the one driving all the time and could we share so it was at least fair. Friend said sure. Then when we arrived, reluctant driver friend had conveniently "forgotten" her driving licence - funny that, so I ended up having to do all the driving which I suspect is what they wanted all along.

I then couldnt have a drink because I was the driver, they criticised the routes I was taking, when we got to a place they didnt like it and I was expected to drive us somewhere else, meaning I spent most of the damn holiday driving them around like a fcking chauffeur. They on the other hand were able to relax and drink as much as they wanted whilst sober me had to put up with them telling me to stop being so "boring" whilst they giggled on about stuff that wasnt remotely funny and only seemed amusing after 2 bottles of wine.

One day I told them I wasnt driving anywhere and wanted to chill and they sulked about it. By the end of the holiday I was fuming as it hadnt really been a break for me at all.

Like PP, they were oblivious to all of this and invited me to go again the next year. I took great pleasure in telling them no thanks. I hope they spent an absolute fortune on taxis.