To end friendship over holiday?

[mycongratations]

Last weekend I went to Milan with a friend, got there early afternoon Friday to leave Sunday morning.

All started off great. We’d got taxis on the Friday which had ended up being expensive and then I realised there was a metro. I said to her oh just wait here whilst I take a photo of this metro name/number so I can figure out the stops/line we need and she just wandered off. Obviously I did it at both ends (main square and hotel) and both times she just kept walking when I knew she’d heard me.

After I figured out what line we needed we used the metro and she exclaimed “why don’t we just do this yesterday?!”. Like it was my fault when she did absolutely nothing to help figure it out.

The hotel had a mini spa and I booked us in for an hour as it was part of our booking but she kept ranting about how much they were going to charge us. Even though I repeatedly said it’s free but if they do I’ll pay for the spa because I booked it and it would be my mistake. Still not good enough and she kept ranting. When they didn’t charge us she said nothing.

On the Saturday afternoon when I asked her what she wanted to do “I’m not bothered” so I said let’s get Aperol Spritz on the balcony which overlooks the cathedral - my treat. “No I don’t want to do that”.

I tried to remain positive and cheery knowing she was in a mood and just not giving it attention and thinking she’ll bring herself out of it. The Sunday morning was horrible, there was so much tension I didn’t dare speak. I offered to get us a taxi to the bus that goes to the airport (I have a knee injury and it had been fine but by the Sunday it was painful) and she said no we’ll walk, then she looked at me and said really aggressively “well I can tell by your face you don’t want to”

Thankfully on the plane we were sat at opposite ends. But this meant we boarded at different ends, so I said wait for me near these stairs or I’ll wait for you - as neither of us will know if the other one has got off yet. As I was walking from the back stairs after landing I immediately saw her just walking off with no intention of waiting for me - we drove in my car so we were not parting ways at the airport.

I genuinely don’t think I did anything wrong on the trip, not saying I’m perfect but there was no one big thing that I can pinpoint as to why she’d behave so miserably - the entire trip was her idea.

Well, you're hardly going to read posts from people who want to talk any how they had a perfectly normal enjoyable holiday with their friend. And then ask if they're being unreasonable to end the friendship.

I’ve genuinely thought about it and need to draw a line under it for today because it’s not good for my mental health as it’s really upset me.

Maybe I did unintentionally irritate her? But I promise you I’ve thought long and hard and there’s no one point where I I know I did something big or sticks out that would cause such a nasty atmosphere.

And if I had and obviously not realised it then I’d like to think any friend could approach me about it. I’m not perfect and happy to reflect on my behaviour and learn/grow.

Crazy how common this is.

Absolutely. I’ve got one friend I go away with regularly now and we’re used to each other. We’ve done 5/6 holidays abroad plus several UK weekends and both compromise with each other and it works.

We have a discussion before we go if there any trips etc the other fancies so we know ahead of getting on the plane roughly what we’re doing.

Completely different to the other friend who spent the entire trip faffing and fannying about , ruining plans and complaining about the heat (it was Greece ffs)

Anxious - I’ve realised that people who are grumpy (often with you) , awkward, critical unreasonably are actually anxious about making decisions and being in strange surroundings . Avoid them in future.

She's a fun sucking twat. I've had a very similar situation which is far too outing to write in detail as I know a couple of the people involved use MN. Group holiday, one person just absolutely ruined with their sulking and moping and anger. No need for it at all, everyone tried asking her what was wrong, tried to include her, make her laugh, do what she wanted to do. Looking back she just loved playing the victim and all the attention. I never spoke to her again and her relationship petered off with the rest of the group. I always knew she could be a bit high maintenance but never predicted that! I don't miss her.

You think?

We’ve been friends 15 years and live maybe a 20 minute drive from each other. We do have different friendship circles.

Sometimes we haven’t seen each other in months and she’ll text me just saying “miss you” and I’ll say let’s do x on x date. And she’ll say sorry can’t do then. She doesn’t offer up an alternative date.

I spoke about this to a close friend who knows her too and she said I think she just texts “miss you” because she wants that reassurance that you’re still there waiting for her whenever she needs you but she’s not arsed about seeing you.

I think I have things to work on for me and I think dropping her as a friend is a good place to start.

I’d let the friendship fade out. I wouldn’t be contacting her again and when she next suggests something I’d not go.

No need for a big just up but definitely no need for it take up any more head space.

Going away with someone really does unmask a person's true personality. After a holiday with my sister, we didn't speak for nearly 5 years.

I think this poster meant some people like your friend make heavy weather of travel/transport/money on holiday. Not you. As in, some people (like your friend) get stressed about that sort of thing.

I think she was probably not expecting to spend so much. But that's no excuse for blaming you for not knowing immediately that there was a metro, or for sulking. And if she knew she was going to be on a budget, obviously she could and should have used her initiative and looked into the metro/buses before you got there.
She sounds a bit of a nightmare, TBH. Unless she's otherwise a wonderful friend, I wouldn't bother about staying in touch with her after this.

Her comment about taking the bus at the end shows she knows she behaved badly and was secretly expecting you to retaliate by refusing the lift. It was also a way of diminishing the favour you were doing her. After all she could have taken the bus! It is you who insisted on driving her. So really she was being nice to you.

I don’t think you will ever know but s good book on the subject is “emotionslly immature people (there are a whole slew if these books with various titles) emotionally immature people communicate by emotional contagion. They don’t tell you ehat us wring, they make you feel their mood. Its ingrained not a tactic. Do she may not be able to do more than make up reasons why its all your fault.

Even if you did upset her, it's abusive to sulk and create an atmosphere rather than talking about it like an adult.

I don't think you should just let it drift, I think you should tackle it (like an adult!). Tell her that her moodiness had the intended effect of spoiling the trip for you, and presumably her as well; that you don't appreciate this emotional manipulation or want to be around people who operate like that; that you'd like her to explain what was going on.

I hope I get to your way of feeling and won’t miss her.

Maybe I should have pushed more than asking if she was ok, instead of outright saying you’re clearly in a mood or upset about something so let’s discuss it.

But I thought the ignore it and continue talking to her like normal, getting her to suggest what she wants to do, offering suggestions, would work so she’d bring herself out of the mood.

Even now I’m not sure what I would do differently. Maybe told her you don’t seem happy so please yourself for the rest or the day and I’ll leave you to it. And done and got myself a huge cocktail.

What have the good people of Stoke on Trent done to deserve that? 😂

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone, sorry trying to quote as many as I can.

I’ve genuinely found comfort in what you’ve said and how nice you’ve been to me.

x-post with @pikkumyy77 who makes a very good point that she may not be able to tell you why.

If that is the case, she won't have a chance of recognising her own behaviour and changing it unless you show her the impact, so I still think you should tackle her.

I had a similar trip with a friend. It was awful - being snapped at, walking on eggshells around them, expected to sort out all logistics.

We came home and he acted totally normally, as if we had had a great holiday. I had to say in the end, 'The way you acted on holiday was not OK', and listed out the things. As soon as I did that he massively apologised and took all responsibility and acknowledged what he had done. It was really the only thing that saved our friendship. We agreed to never travel together again though, which is a shame as we had had some good trips over the years.

In your case though OP it doesn't sound like there is much friendship to save, I'd let it drop.

Some friends are difficult even if you see them 3 times a year. Those same friends are a nightmare to travel or share accommodation with.

If you don't want to lose the friendship, learn from this trip. No more travelling with her and keep your meetings in the likely future disposable basket.

Never Ever go on a trip with her again. Or even a day out.

I wouldn’t reply if she ever texts “miss you”

yep. Don't reply. just leave it.

You’ve made a mistake I made with a joy-sucking friend - you’ve been too nice and thoughtful. I went away with a friend who, for no reason was so grumpy and rude, that I was really upset. I kept trying to think about her, to be considerate, to overlook her rudeness, to ward off any worries she might have, to pay for treats - just like you tried to do.

Finally, on a second trip a year or two later when she started acting the same way, I snapped back at her and gave her a piece of my mind. She deflated like a balloon. It’s deliberate behaviour. People like this can’t bear to see others enjoying themselves so they ruin trips away, days out, meals, etc.

What you should have done when she didn’t wait by the stairs after getting off the plane is carry on walking, get in your car and drive off. What you should do now is dump her as a friend. Don’t waste the emotional energy explaining to her. Just ignore her texts totally.

I had an almost identical experience this time last year and we haven’t spoken since. The friend just tried to act like nothing happened afterwards. I realised pretty quickly that’s she’s neurodiverse and manages to mask for cinema trips and meals out but not for a whole long weekend.

Also had a friendship ruined over a weekend away. I'm going to boil everything down to a few points.

1. If you have to absolutely wrack your brain to think of what you've done wrong, it is their issue 99% of the time.

1. Friendships with certain people are not compulsory.

1. If someone speaks to you in an unreasonable way, and there is a history of questionable behaviour, what's the point of them being in your life?

1. Friendships are meant to be pleasant relationships.

In all, ditch this friend. I don't speak to any of my friends like that. Any friends I've ever had who were snappy, moody and selfish, didn't last long.

You have to be ruthless with who you allow in your life and remove people who aren't good enough for you. Selfish, moody, snappy people aren't good enough.

I would cut her out. Either tell her why or drop her gradually, but your goal is to remove her as you can't trust her to be nice to you. The friendship would be over, if it were me.

It's absolutely deliberate. I agree. People who would deliberately try to make you feel small and upset need the ejector seat.