To end friendship over holiday?

[mycongratations]

Last weekend I went to Milan with a friend, got there early afternoon Friday to leave Sunday morning.

All started off great. We’d got taxis on the Friday which had ended up being expensive and then I realised there was a metro. I said to her oh just wait here whilst I take a photo of this metro name/number so I can figure out the stops/line we need and she just wandered off. Obviously I did it at both ends (main square and hotel) and both times she just kept walking when I knew she’d heard me.

After I figured out what line we needed we used the metro and she exclaimed “why don’t we just do this yesterday?!”. Like it was my fault when she did absolutely nothing to help figure it out.

The hotel had a mini spa and I booked us in for an hour as it was part of our booking but she kept ranting about how much they were going to charge us. Even though I repeatedly said it’s free but if they do I’ll pay for the spa because I booked it and it would be my mistake. Still not good enough and she kept ranting. When they didn’t charge us she said nothing.

On the Saturday afternoon when I asked her what she wanted to do “I’m not bothered” so I said let’s get Aperol Spritz on the balcony which overlooks the cathedral - my treat. “No I don’t want to do that”.

I tried to remain positive and cheery knowing she was in a mood and just not giving it attention and thinking she’ll bring herself out of it. The Sunday morning was horrible, there was so much tension I didn’t dare speak. I offered to get us a taxi to the bus that goes to the airport (I have a knee injury and it had been fine but by the Sunday it was painful) and she said no we’ll walk, then she looked at me and said really aggressively “well I can tell by your face you don’t want to”

Thankfully on the plane we were sat at opposite ends. But this meant we boarded at different ends, so I said wait for me near these stairs or I’ll wait for you - as neither of us will know if the other one has got off yet. As I was walking from the back stairs after landing I immediately saw her just walking off with no intention of waiting for me - we drove in my car so we were not parting ways at the airport.

I genuinely don’t think I did anything wrong on the trip, not saying I’m perfect but there was no one big thing that I can pinpoint as to why she’d behave so miserably - the entire trip was her idea.

If she has previous form for being miserable and difficult then maybe but I wouldn't dump a friend because for this alone.

@mycongratations

It's a shame she spoilt the weekend for you OP. Especially as it sounds like you're the one who did most of the research and suggesting lovely things together which, supposedly, she agreed to beforehand.

If she's travelled to Italy numerous times you'd think she'd know more about the metro system and costs of taxis, meals etc. You made it easy for her, including giving her a lift to/from the airport in your car and she just behaved like a gremlin.

Time to distance yourself from such a negative personality - how draining this experience was for you. I hope you do go back on your own soon and take your own time to enjoy yourself. 🌹

It sounds like she was irritated by you the whole time - and for no reason. That's not a friend.

I used to be friends with someone like this, ruined many a holiday/day out. A drama queen who loved to be the centre of attention and feel like the victim all the time.

She had form though elsewhere- does your friend? If this is a complete one off personality transplant, I'd probably sit her down and ask if everything is okay as you noticed her behaviour was off.

Taxi vs public transport. She didn’t do anything to understand the metro and she had no right to be aggressive and annoyed at me for not figuring out on day 1. I’d get it if I’d been the one refusing to figure it out or demanding we use taxis.

Taxi to the bus. I said I’m more than happy to pay as it’s me who doesn’t want to walk because of my knee. I couldn’t be fairer than that. I’m not going to force someone to split a taxi fare. Also she had no clue where she was going (she had us walking in the wrong direction at first) and we didn’t know how regular the buses were (unsure if it changed on Sundays) so I thought getting there earlier would be best as well.

The hotel spa I told her it was free for guests and showed her it in the booking but she refused to believe me. I said well look if they charge us then I’ll show them the booking but if for some reason we still have to pay then don’t worry I’ll cover it because it would be my mistake and it’s only right. Again this wasn’t good enough and she kept ranting about it.

I genuinely don’t think there’s more I could have done. If you’re an adult and you’re sulking then I’m just not pandering to it, I asked her if she was ok, I offered her the choice of choosing where we ate, I offered to go to a nice bar and treat her. She at no point pandered to me and tried to make the trip better.

She thinks she's better than you. In order to raise your self esteem you need to end the friendship. You may for some reason feel that you are not good enough, but trust me you are. You can do better.

I think some people never grow up out of "whinging child" mode - they expect someone else to sort everything out for them, but then to still have the option to whinge about everything if they happen to feel in a bad mood.

I'm trying to find reasonable explanations for her behaviour but from what you've said she just doesn't sound very nice.

This is the main reason I holiday on my own. I just couldn't be arsed with this nonsense.

As I was walking from the back stairs after landing I immediately saw her just walking off with no intention of waiting for me - we drove in my car so we were not parting ways at the airport

So what happened next? Did she then reappear wanting a lift home?

Maybe she does have financial worries but she should have been upfront about it and also proactive - eg. before leaving looking up the metro lines and suggesting using the metro instead of taxis; or looking up some cheaper restaurants and bars etc.

But she sounds a bit like my ex - expects someone else to organize everything and then whinges and moans when it isn't to their liking.

Same.
Long tern friend of 20 years.
An overnight trip to a theme park and we were never the same again.

Same here.
I've got one relative I can manage to holiday with successfully but she's very much on the same wavelength as me.
In theory it should be great going on holiday with a friend, a partner or a group of friends of family but it so often ends up in arguments or huffs etc.

People who stride off confidently without making a plan or thinking are a total bugbear of mine. More than once have I just let them and let them sort it out. Obviously not in any kind of dodgey situation (and I am risk averse) but in an airport I’d have gone to the loo, fixed my hair, had a coffee, made a few calls. its very main character behaviour.

tbh i would have just not let her in the car at the airport.

But since you are back now, and presumably you did drive her home because you haven't said you didn't and you seem kind, i would just tell her that she was unreasonable in Italy and then just drop it.

Sack her off. Also have u heard from her since parting ways?

I managed to catch up with her and I said “I said to meet near the stairs?” I said it in a nice way but I really was at the final straw. Because if I hadn’t seen her I’d have been stood there just waiting.

Her response was “I didn’t realise you’d said that”. Alright then sure.

We had a smiliar experience when we took my oldest schoolfriend on holiday with us. She behaved like a sulky child and was a complete fun-sponge the entire time, which utterly ruined it and very nearly ruined the friendship.

If I'm honest, the relationship has never been the same since. No idea why she behaved like this.

OP, is she Italian herself? Perhaps she would have preferred a row instead of you ignoring her mood 😂

I totally get why you didn't, you must have been completely nonplussed and not wanting to escalate, but it's a shame you didn't just let her ruin it for herself and leave you out of it. I reckon she'd hade snapped out of her 'mood' pretty sharpish if it was only disadvantaging her!

Aperol spritz - 'OK, no worries if you're not interested, I'm going to go and get a drink and I'll see you later'

Taxi to the airport 'well I'm not walking so I'll see you there' - bonus with this one is it sounds like she'd have missed the flight and you'd have got shot of her...

It is puzzling that she treated you so badly when you did nothing wrong.

Do you think that there is another side to this? (Would she describe the holiday as you did?)

If not - you decide whether she is the friend for you. Do you enjoy being around someone who seems to dislike you so much - and to see you as responsible for everything that goes wrong?

I did drive her home yes. But she made a weird comment about well she can just get the bus. It was late Sunday afternoon so no idea if there’s a bus and definitely no idea if there’s a direct one close to hers.

It’s just odd because she knows I’d never make her get the bus or leave her stranded.

I think she sounds out of line to be so grumpy to be honest.. but (with kindness) you sounds quite bossy and assertive, 'wait here' 'I've booked us in' 'she wouldn't pick a place' 'she did absolutely nothing to help figure it out' 'wait for me near the stairs'.. there seems to be a lot of telling and not so much mutual deciding. Walking off is quite a clear signal that someone doesn't want to be told what to do anymore, or is annoyed at you for something.

You should have asked her what was wrong as soon as her mood started to decline, because in all honesty it sounds like you may have a habit of being in control and that dynamic meant she trusted you and you ended up blowing a lot of money on taxis when you didn't need to, she probably thought you had it under control when really you were winging it, which is why she blew up when she realised there was a cheaper option all along, definitely some sort of breakdown of communication

The grumpiness seems to me to have stemmed from not having enough money though, she probably couldn't decide on a place to eat because they were all too expensive, it is 100% her fault for not planning it better herself or doing her own research, as it's not much of a holiday if you've got no money left. But I also know someone who won't plan anything and they criticize anything that people DO plan, I personally wouldn't go on holiday with her because the negativity is insufferable, maybe she is just one of those? either way you aren't holiday compatible.

I'm a bit like you to be honest, very in-charge but I always plan with my travel partner before going, I research everything and then we discuss the options and then we plan in any activities/transport links etc.. everything else just gets decided as you go along, I'm extremely conscious of not just 'taking over'.

Oh, and I would have found out if I could use her free spa slot too if she was so adamant she didn't want to! 😂

Friendships on MN are these oddly formal transactional acquaintaneships between people who barely tolerate each other, and are always on the brink of falling apart.

Its unlike anything I've come across in real life. I'd only go on holiday with someone I could pull-up over their behaviour, and if they behaved like this I'd know them well enough to know that it was out of character and they must have something going on in their lives.

Definitely no more trip. Consider the friendship continuing.

Going on holiday with a friend is always a risk. Up to you whether or not you end the friendship. But don't go on holiday with her again.