To end friendship over holiday?

[mycongratations]

Last weekend I went to Milan with a friend, got there early afternoon Friday to leave Sunday morning.

All started off great. We’d got taxis on the Friday which had ended up being expensive and then I realised there was a metro. I said to her oh just wait here whilst I take a photo of this metro name/number so I can figure out the stops/line we need and she just wandered off. Obviously I did it at both ends (main square and hotel) and both times she just kept walking when I knew she’d heard me.

After I figured out what line we needed we used the metro and she exclaimed “why don’t we just do this yesterday?!”. Like it was my fault when she did absolutely nothing to help figure it out.

The hotel had a mini spa and I booked us in for an hour as it was part of our booking but she kept ranting about how much they were going to charge us. Even though I repeatedly said it’s free but if they do I’ll pay for the spa because I booked it and it would be my mistake. Still not good enough and she kept ranting. When they didn’t charge us she said nothing.

On the Saturday afternoon when I asked her what she wanted to do “I’m not bothered” so I said let’s get Aperol Spritz on the balcony which overlooks the cathedral - my treat. “No I don’t want to do that”.

I tried to remain positive and cheery knowing she was in a mood and just not giving it attention and thinking she’ll bring herself out of it. The Sunday morning was horrible, there was so much tension I didn’t dare speak. I offered to get us a taxi to the bus that goes to the airport (I have a knee injury and it had been fine but by the Sunday it was painful) and she said no we’ll walk, then she looked at me and said really aggressively “well I can tell by your face you don’t want to”

Thankfully on the plane we were sat at opposite ends. But this meant we boarded at different ends, so I said wait for me near these stairs or I’ll wait for you - as neither of us will know if the other one has got off yet. As I was walking from the back stairs after landing I immediately saw her just walking off with no intention of waiting for me - we drove in my car so we were not parting ways at the airport.

I genuinely don’t think I did anything wrong on the trip, not saying I’m perfect but there was no one big thing that I can pinpoint as to why she’d behave so miserably - the entire trip was her idea.

Me too!

Holidays can be really tricky to navigate with friends.

I have recently discovered my former BF bitched about me to loads of people following a holiday with our families (group of four families). Everyone was skiing bar me. I couldn't due to a medical reason which meant I was stuck in the chalet all day on my own. When they were done they would all send the kids back to the chalet (about 10 minutes out of the village) and go straight to a bar for a couple of hours. My youngest was only 8 (and a very young 8 with SEN) and the oldest child in the group was only just 13 (8 children in total) so I didn't feel I could then leave the kids there alone whilst the parents all spent two hours in the village drinking. So every day I was stuck supervising until they came back for food. I didn't once complain or mention anything.

Rather than being grateful that someone was prepared to be with the kids apparently I ruined the holiday for everyone by refusing to socialise and being miserable. So whilst from my perspective I was a little disgruntled about the social aspect, from her perspective I was miserable and unsociable. I guess everyone has different expectations and boundaries and holidays bring those into focus because everyone wants things to go as they had planned.

Ugh love Milan and it's a great city for sitting and having a drink and people watching. Went with DP and loved it, but he's not a sulky knob like your friend.

I ended a long friendship over similar. Friend had relationship issues that she was depressed about and was in a mood for the whole four-day stay except when she got drunk (I was paying). Came back and never saw her again, my decision.

Sometimes we haven’t seen each other in months and she’ll text me just saying “miss you” and I’ll say let’s do x on x date. And she’ll say sorry can’t do then. She doesn’t offer up an alternative date.

So she likes that you have a bond from way back but doesn't actually enjoy your company much any more. That's often way with some old friends, isn't it? I'd just let it drift, OP. Exchange emails at xmas.

Yeah you’re right. Big learning curve.

That Sunday morning was eggshell central. Like I limited myself to saying only what I needed to and was just thankful we didn’t sit next to each other on the flight.

And I should have had the balls to call it out. There just that worry of making things awkward and having an argument. But the trip was shit anything so I doubt awkwardness would have made it much worse.

Nah fuck that. Get rid.

Either she’s one of those people who takes it out on other people when she’s stressed or anxious, or you’ve inadvertently done something to annoy her and she’s being passive aggressive (or just aggressive) instead of telling you.

Can you just ask her?? Say, “there was a bit of a bad vibe on the trip, did I do something to annoy you?” or something like that. In a non-accusatory way.

And then let us know cos I wanna know! She sounds like a nightmare either way.

I don't think you need to do anything here tbh, she sounds a right piece of work. She shouldn't of gone if she was struggling with money and at least told you instead of acting up
Real friends don't act like this and why was it all on you re taxis etc.?

Definitely go back just with another friend.

I'd love to go to Italy looks beautiful.

I’d love to know who has voted YABU op and why?!

she sounds like an absolute wet wipe

Gosh, she sounds like someone I know! She’s an ok person in small doses and can be really fun, but holidays with her… She just seems to not communicate when she’s tired or in pain or not having fun and then suddenly throws a hissy fit. Last time around she screamed at a taxi driver?!

Just sounds like your friend is not very well socialised, perhaps gets anxious when travelling/ in an unfamiliar environment, and lacks emotional regulation. Could perhaps be hormone related (don’t shoot me!) - I got grumpy during hormonal up/ down periods of my life.

If you have a choice and there’s no justification to her acting like this (dunno, recent traumatic event like death etc) just don’t bother with her. You’re not her mum to have a conversation about proper adult behaviour.

I'd have either said "Ok then", to her getting the bus home OR, preferably I'd not have caught up with her at the airport, and just driven home without her. Rude cow. I'd definitely end the friendship.

Just curious, did you know when booking it you wouldn’t be able to ski and could you not have gone with them, as in sat in the restaurant, watched them ski, read a book and had hot drinks, had lunch together?

I could be talking shit as I’ve never been skiing so no idea how feasible what I suggested was.

No, I was injured on the first day. It was tricky for me to get around and they didn't want the kids in the bar, they wanted to send them back.

TBH even if I hadn't been injured I wouldn't have felt comfortable leaving my youngest alone in a chalet overseas without an adult. Different parenting styles I guess.

I do wish I’d have just been like “fuck it” and just looked out for myself, got in my car and drove home.

It’s like she doesn’t have the forefront to think we’re sat no where near each other, we’ll be exiting off different stairs, the aisles will be full so we won’t see each other, that a meeting point is necessary. She didn’t hesitate for one second when she got to the bottom of those stairs, just marched straight inside.

Oh no sorry I wasn’t clear, I meant during the day be with them all rather than by yourself in the chalet.

Sorry about your injury, especially when it happened.

Ah no, I couldn't easily get up the mountain. Plus when they ski they are all off everywhere on different slopes, not just in one location so you can't watch as such.

I think people can be compatible without being holiday/ live with compatible- I have friends I will never ever go away with again and I’m sure the feeling is well mutual for them- friends who like itineraries whereas I like wandering, friends who like to figure stuff out whereas I’d rather figure out as I go. If you’re not friends end the friendship- if ye are no need to, just don’t go away together again!!

She sounds like a grumpy child, I definitely would not go away with her again! Whether you stay friends is up to you - depends what she is usually like on a day-to-day basis.

At least you did all you could to be a decent friend -you gave a her a lift even though she was treating you like shit and walked off without you. Don't analyse it anymore, it's not worth your time. I'd assume she hasn't contacted you since so forget about it, concentrate on other (better) friends and when she texts you that she misses you in a few months totally ignore it. Honestly, life is far too short for shit friends. Unfortunately, it took me far too long to realise that, but when I did my life improved immeasurably.

The taxi / metro thing - I think you’re both a little at fault on that actually as when I’m going somewhere I know for sure exactly where the metro costs vs what the taxi costs, what the stops are, travel times, I have a map and I’m not burdening anyone else with the responsibility of getting anywhere. You should / could both have known how much it cost and the way. Google is free.

(i accept not everyone does that level of research)

but the rest is just ridiculous, if the taxi was expensive she could have thought ah shit I should plan better next time, instead of blaming you for not planning and then sulking. Maybe she never recovered from that and it set the tone?

Absolutely awful of your "friend". I do think you don't really know someone until you spend a prolonged period worth them, whether that's living with them or travelling together. But there's a huge difference between a bit of irritation/ noticing annoying habits and someone who is deliberately a mardy contemptuous arse the whole time.

I completely agree you are well within your rights to sever the friendship. I would probably have done the same as you and not called her out on holiday in case it blew up and ended up even worse. (My husband can be a bit moody and my approach now is to just ignore it and focus on enjoying myself; he will then snap out of it.) It seemed like your friend was determined to antagonise you by ramping up her moody behaviour. It sounds like she was almost goading you to snap.

Why did she do it, especially as she ruined things for herself too? Who knows though there have been some insightful comments on this thread. I'm inclined to agree with the poster who suggested she thinks she's better than you. It sounds like she felt you should have been "serving" her and the service wasn't up to her standards.

I wonder if she actually wanted to go away with a closer friend who wasn't available and she ended up punishing you for being someone else. Sorry I know it sounds nasty but I've been in the receiving end of that. Not a holiday thank God, but asked to go for a night out when it turns out friend would rather have gone with someone else and talked about how wonderful preferred friend was the whole time and dismissive towards me. Ugh. Didn't repeat that experience.

What a shame that you couldn't left her behind in the airport.
I would love to she her face when she realize her cowish behavior didn't granted her a lift.
Adults having tantrums/being moody for nothing is always a no for me.

In fact the thing with the spa is a similar situation with costs, planning and comms.

She was probably surprised you got all the way to Milan and only just realised once you were there that there was a metro and what stop you needed. And was thinking the spa may be an expensive shock like the taxi.

Maybe she just mentally checked out as she hadn’t budgeted enough.

My parents were friends with a lovely couple who were my godparents. Had known each other for years. Spent time with each others family, my dad and this other chap worked together. One year they all went on holiday together. When they got back my mum said "we love them but we will never go on holiday with them again." She didn't go into detail. They are all long dead now but they remained friends until the end. Some friendships don't travel well.