To think my SIL is over the top for this?

[killingpeeve]

In short, my nephew has been found, alongside a few other boys, to be calling a girl 'butchy' butch. This is their nickname for her and they found it hilarious to call her this. SIL was called into the school by head of year. The boys got nothing but a slap on the wrist, in reality. We suspect because they're all Set 1 (top set) and still in process of doing their mocks.

SIL says this is not enough. And she is punishing my nephew by saying he isn't coming on the family holiday - Which is also the wedding of my sister.

BIL is backing her.

AIBU to think this is too much? By all means yes, the school have been to soft here as a consequence. But, surely this is too much?

It means missing his aunt getting married. She is really upset and cried on the phone to me about this.

Knowing SIL, she is very likely to follow through.

It would mean him staying with his nan. And she would continue onto the holiday as planned with BIL

High chance she will see this thread of course. But the family is really upset. It's a wedding.

Combining the OP’s comments about how the buys “just fancy her”, the weird OTT drama by the wider family, the undermining of parenting decisions and the unexplained focus on SIL being the bad guy while the brother is doing exactly the same…. I wonder if the parents haven’t actually identified that the misogynistic rot in their son partly comes from this side of the family and, in reality, the wedding ban is not in place mainly as a punishment but as a first distancing step or at least a way to limit the son having unsupervised discussions with other family members saying “boys will be boys, you’re mom is over reacting” etc.

OP can you come up with a more appropriate punishment? I agree that a witten apology isn’t sufficient but maybe he could be deprived of his phone and all social media while he is away at the wedding. Internet should be simple to ensure he takes nothing with him. If he is left behind he will be possibly tempted to collude with his mates in bullying on social media. Tell the boy in way of explanation he cannot be trusted so needs to accompany the family. Other consequences may follow.

Exactly! Your ’lovely’ nephew will view wider family as soft & how would your family feel if they discovered he had attached names for certain characters/members within the family too.

Janehasamane,you don't believe in harsh punishment and think "words" are enough! My 14 year old DGD has been bullied verbally by a gang of girls in and out of school, and ended up suicidal!

I'm going to presume he's a generally good boy at least partly because he has parents who instil boundaries.

Now he'll know they have a zero tolerance for bullying. Poor girl for having to deal with that appalling language.

He was out of order no question, and school were crap.

Sanctions (grounded, no phone etc etc ) would be a far more immediate and effective consequence.

Removing from a family holiday seems a bit extreme, and liable to push him away from family, at a time when he needs to be brought closer, in order to really address any of this behaviour.

Making him angry, upset and outcast is likely to result in worse behaviour patterns from a 15 year old boy.

Wow, good for your SIL, she doesn’t take prisoners does she.

I would be upset too at a nephew or niece missing a family wedding but it’s not really for you to say.

Op maybe don't get involved.. it's not your wedding and it ain't your son. Let the ppl who it does involve manage it ... I always find it's family members like you that aren't even directly involved making the situation worse then it needs to be. Maybe go and do some holiday shopping!

Quite. I admire the fact that she's not the type of parent to let him get away with it. Too many parents seem to leap to their child's defence, even in the face of obvious wrongdoing, but this is definitely a step too far IMO.

Imagine being at the wedding and someone saying "Where's DS?" and they have to say "He called someone a rude name at school so we didn't let him come".

My nephews were at my wedding and I'd have been really upset if they hadn't been, as we're very close too.

As they say, the punishment needs to fit the crime and there are plenty of other punishments that would get the message across without upsetting other family members too.

It is not the punishment I would have chosen because of the ripple effect on other people.

however, I agree with your SIL that this type of bullying requires a serious punishment at home. I simply would have chosen something else equally severe.

It's up to the parents how go discipline their children and I wouldn't be disagreeing with the parents on this. Doing his mocks indicates that he is old enough to know how awful his comment was and he needs some serious consequences to prevent it happening again. The world would be a much better place if all parents took bullying as seriously as your sister

You’re welcome to think as you will. If you ask my now 23 year old son, he will tell you I was right, and that he was farting about on his games console when he should have been studying 🤷‍♀️

They are punishing the bride and groom as well as their son.

yes needs harsh discipline and I understand dad backing up mum but it sounds like a knee jerk punishment, as in not thought through just pick the first thing that comes to mind that they know will really hurt him.

It’s not too difficult to say they have reviewed and the only reason he’s going is because they don’t want to impact a wedding. But he is going to lose his phone, social media access (which includes most gaming consoles) grounded. I’d also look for him to volunteer somewhere so he can see how privaledged he is/donate his spending money to a charity that supports bullied children. He needs education around what’s he’s done and to see the impact of his words

My only comment is that when I was a teenage boy no way would I have considered NOT being taken to a family wedding as any sort of punishment. Quite the reverse.

I’m with SIL and your brother here

you should butt out of it not your child

Would you think it too harsh a punishment if it was your daughter some little shit was tormenting at school?

Absolutely agree.

More parents should be like your DB & SIL.

You sound like you’re blaming SIL and your poor DH is going along with her. Maybe they are united in their teenager who should know better being a bully and want to make sure he never forgets his actions have consequences. It’s pathetic taking his phone away or grounding him. This has a real impact on his life just like what him and his gang of mates had on their victim. Stop trying to defend him by saying his punishments to harsh and he actually fancies his victim, it’s pathetic.

Finally and most importantly, it’s none of your fucking business how someone else parents their child, regardless of your family connection.

Or "where's ds?"
"He's been bullying another child for months, so we didn't let him come"

Maybe there's more to it than the OP is aware of.

Imagine being at the wedding and someone saying "Where's DS?" and they have to say "He called someone a rude name at school so we didn't let him come".

I would think no wonder the kid is a trouble maker, if the solution chosen by his parents is to dump him somewhere and go on holiday alone instead of dealing with him directly, but each to their own...

"generally good kid". Clearly not. I admire your SIL for taking it so seriously

Yes, I agree. I would have removed the phone - but I don’t think it’s right that the wider family is weighing in here, wedding or no wedding.

Then stop being naive and/or ignorant about the impact homophobic slurs have

I agree with her. A gang of boys are bullying a teenage girl. Bullies don't get privileges imo.

Sounds like, they didn’t want to go to the wedding snd have found the perfect excuse.

Good for her, I’ve a daughter bullied relentlessly about weight I wish everyone was as good a parent as her