To think my SIL is over the top for this?

[killingpeeve]

In short, my nephew has been found, alongside a few other boys, to be calling a girl 'butchy' butch. This is their nickname for her and they found it hilarious to call her this. SIL was called into the school by head of year. The boys got nothing but a slap on the wrist, in reality. We suspect because they're all Set 1 (top set) and still in process of doing their mocks.

SIL says this is not enough. And she is punishing my nephew by saying he isn't coming on the family holiday - Which is also the wedding of my sister.

BIL is backing her.

AIBU to think this is too much? By all means yes, the school have been to soft here as a consequence. But, surely this is too much?

It means missing his aunt getting married. She is really upset and cried on the phone to me about this.

Knowing SIL, she is very likely to follow through.

It would mean him staying with his nan. And she would continue onto the holiday as planned with BIL

High chance she will see this thread of course. But the family is really upset. It's a wedding.

I have two daughters. The one who is an auntie to my DGDs, adores her nieces. I'm confident that in this situation she'd be extremely upset if one of them was forbidden from attending her wedding. We're a close and loving family and the absence of one for any reason would be very disappointing. But if her sister used her wedding to punish one of the nieces, he aunt would be extremely upset, yes.

We would all recognise that the behaviour was awful. But we would not expect to be collateral damage in the punishment.

The misogynistic little shit is the one who has ruined it. If he were my nephew I wouldn’t be looking too fondly on him right now, much like his mother.

Well if his behaviour pattern is not interrupted and he continues to be abusive the whole family will be missing their much loved nephew when he’s serving a prison sentence for bashing his wife or raping a girl after a night out.

violence against women is born is misogynistic comments and it is raised in the lack of accountability and consequences from the perpetrators peers and family

Is he even bothered about missing the wedding?

I wish all parents took such bullying as seriously as your nephew's parents do because we sure as shit need to stop churning out arseholes, but I can't help feeling there could have been a consequence/punishment that would have hit him harder than missing a wedding.

Absolutely no-one, including me, has said that he should not be punished. He should, and severely so.

What some of us are saying it's that the family should not be punished alongside him.

Are you really saying that it's this punishment or nothing? If the wedding wasn't happening, his parents would have had to come up with a different punishment. So there's no reason why am alternative can't be put in place.

Disappointed at the fact there’s no voting option

YABU!

I applaud your SIL to stick to her gun and DB to support his wife as a team. With the current behaviour issues in school, they’re a rare find.

You, your sister and the whole family need to get a grip and butt out of their parenting. They know their son best and what punishment would work on him.

OP you also need to think about how you'd feel if you made a decision about discipline and everyone and their cow was sticking their oar in. It's SO disrespectful to the parents, and actually the pressure you are all putting on them is likely to make them dig their heels in. They may have relented at the last minute, but now if they do it'll look like they caved to family pressure. And what kind of lesson will that teach your lovely nephew who definitely has never done anything wrong before this incident of bullying?

Well his actions have unintended consequences. That’s on him.
his parents are giving him the top end punishment they can think of because that’s what he deserves- yes other people are affected, that’s what happens when you perpetrate abuse.
perhaps he will think twice about the ripple effect next time.

you have to ask yourself whether his family’s feelings are more important than her right to have him justifiably punished for his abusive behaviour towards her.

So your relationship with your niece who t you would agree is in the wrong and her not being upset at being given consequences for shitty, bullying behaviour is more important than that with your sister, who you'd tell was wrong in her parenting?

I actually admire your SIL and brother as they have rightly called their son out on his behaviour & given him an incredibly harsh punishment that he should hopefully learn from. Would I have chosen the same punishment? Probably not but that doesnt mean your SIL is wrong - her family her decision.

If your family are upset he isnt coming then I think that should be directed to him as his actions have caused it. You cant go around blaming your SIL as quite frankly its none of your business to question her parenting decisions, especially as she has the support of your brother too. Stop focusing on your SIL here, its your nephew that caused this so ensure the blame for him not coming is directed towards him, not his mum. If you speak to him, back them up and hopefully he will never behave like this again.

I do think that if more parents (me included) were a lot harsher on their kids when they do shit like this then maybe the world would be a better place for all young people to grow up in.

You don't have to google too much to see the countless cases of girls and boys who have committed suicide due to comments and bullying like your nephew has been responsible for. This is a wake up call for him and as an involved aunt I think you should be backing his parents and letting him know that he was in the wrong and must suffer the consequences.

Probably because they parent him robustly.

He's fucked up and he’s facing the consequences. She seems right on if you ask me.

This is a very good point I've seen a few people make.

They've obviously parented him very well if he's generally a good kid so whatever they've been doing has been working.

Sorry but I'm with the SiL on this. Also the guilt tripping by the rest of the family is IMO pathetic. If you really cared about your nephew you would back the parents and support them in trying to raise a boy into a man who actually cares about women and girls. if all he gets is a slap on the wrist then what message does that send...." oh it's ok son, what you did was wrong but let's all go on holiday and have a good time, it doesn't matter really"?

I’m team SIL.
Maybr they know he’s really looking forward to it, and this is the punishment that will shock him into realising how unacceptable his behaviour is. I wish more parents had the balls to do this.
Your adult sister will have to get over the fact that he isn’t there.
One thing for sure though; the whole thing is pointless if he hears you all saying his mum was wrong. Then he misses out and doesn’t learn from it.

Hi OP, yes your SIL is completely OTT, SHOCKINGLY AND FRIGHTENLY SO!
I can understand why you are upset and your nephew will be to. However, you have no control over this and as hard as it is, you need to try and minimise the effect on you. Enjoy the wedding as best you can.

Shockingly and frighteningly so??
’Try and minimise the effect on you?’

What a bloody snowflake.

Woah, Nellie 😂

IMO that is shocking behaviour from a parent and is bullying in itself!

Devastation and collateral damage FFS! Get a grip

Name calling OP’s nephew to the degree demonstrated on this thread is shameful. We don’t know him and yes, we don’t know the true circumstances surrounding this incident, but he’s being demonised to a ridiculous extent.

What is important is his response to what has happened. Is he ashamed of his behaviour? Does he accept the impact that his words could have had on the girl being name called? Does he want to apologise and put things right because he wants to, not because he’s being made to?

If all the above answers are in the affirmative then punishment is not necessary. What matters is that he will never behave like this towards another person again.

It’s none of your business how she disciplines her child.

Lets not get it twisted, you all think that you are all being inconvenienced by her decision and that’s why you’re all grumbling, you don’t give two figs about his appalling behaviour.

@killingpeeve What punishment would you give then?

The word you're looking for is 'consequences'.

Nothing wrong with consequences.

This is a tough one. On the one hand i admire her for coming down tough but on the other hand it’s also a punishment for the bride and extended family to a degree. Would there be a way of him attending the wedding but then missing the extended holiday?

it’s not the same scale and v different ages but I’ve always been careful about not threatening attendance at parties because while it’s something my own children really, really care about - there’s a knock on impact on another child which doesn’t feel fair.

Hi, I wouldn't consider myself a 'snowflake', more someone who has a different perspective of the seriousness of what the 15 year old has done 'wrong'. I admit name calling isn't good but there are seriously worse behaviours that teenagers can engage in. And the boy's parents admit to being very proud of him! Sums it up perfectly, I appreciate we all have different perceptions of seriousness and I respect yours.