To think my SIL is over the top for this?

[killingpeeve]

In short, my nephew has been found, alongside a few other boys, to be calling a girl 'butchy' butch. This is their nickname for her and they found it hilarious to call her this. SIL was called into the school by head of year. The boys got nothing but a slap on the wrist, in reality. We suspect because they're all Set 1 (top set) and still in process of doing their mocks.

SIL says this is not enough. And she is punishing my nephew by saying he isn't coming on the family holiday - Which is also the wedding of my sister.

BIL is backing her.

AIBU to think this is too much? By all means yes, the school have been to soft here as a consequence. But, surely this is too much?

It means missing his aunt getting married. She is really upset and cried on the phone to me about this.

Knowing SIL, she is very likely to follow through.

It would mean him staying with his nan. And she would continue onto the holiday as planned with BIL

High chance she will see this thread of course. But the family is really upset. It's a wedding.

the Parents are still going

If more parents were like your SIL and brother the world would be a better place.

He's a bully, though. Finally some parents that deal with it, and you're annoyed because it's an inconvenience to your family event.

He got the obligatory slap on the wrist at school and a more severe punishment at home, it's called good parenting.

So your own SIL wants to do this - what is your problem - surely she knows how her own son behaves? Sounds like there is a another story here that only your brother and SIL know which is why she is being as she is. Leave it be, give it a rest. Nothing to do with you. BACK OFF

I had to do something similar with my teen behaviour absolutely awful school and home disrespectful to teachers me etc etc I’m sure he was close to being kicked out
i cancelled his trip to America it was a school trip I followed through I felt awful
can’t say it made everything better he did improve slightly got him through his exams this year

This but OP does not say what the nephews response to the whole situation is. Could be that he is an arrogant little shit and does not care about the hurt he has caused so it could be justified.

Does your nephew care about missing a wedding ? I wouldn’t have thought most teenaged boys would. I also find it hard to believe that the bride to be would be bothered.

What he did was horrible and if that was my daughter, I would be really angry with the school for being so soft on him, so good on your SIL for coming down hard on him.

I think the punishment has to hit him where it hurts, so it would depend to me on whether or not he wants to go to the wedding. If he doesn't want to go, then actually, she should absolutely make him go - staying with a Nan might actually be quite nice for him (depends on the Nan, of course). Generally, grandparents are quite indulgent.

So, if taking away phone/tablet/internet and/or grounding etc for a set period is going to upset him more, then she should do that.

If he's fanatical about a sport - no sport for x weeks etc etc

It’s none of your business. Parent your own kids. I can’t believe you’ve come here to moan about this.

I was bullied as a young teen (13/14) - called “skateboard” by a group of lads and girls, because I was small, skinny and straight up and down. As my way of essentially controlling the situation (or at least my reaction to it), I developed an eating disorder. All that said, I personally think your SIL has got this wrong.

Putting aside the missing out on the wedding aspect, given the (soon to be) bride and groom have partially paid for the cost of the holiday/trip for your nephew, I don’t think it’s right for your SIL to unilaterally decide that that money goes to waste with him not travelling.

If she wants to impose a meaningful and relevant punishment on him, why not get him to do some fundraising/volunteering activities for a anti-bullying charity or a women’s charity?

Tell him he has to give up x number of weekends over the summer holidays, he misses out on time with his friends/computers etc, he learns more about the damaging impact the kind of behaviour he and his cronies indulged in has in a real and tangible way, but also gets the chance to make some kind of atonement through raising money/supporting and contributing in a positive way.

OP if this was a girl who was calling a boy a fairy, then no one on here would agree with the punishment.

It’s massively OTT. All your nephew will learn from this is that his parents are nasty. They’ll regret it in future.

@babyOnly it’s called “having an opinion”. You may not be aware, but this is allowed.

Regardless whether she is over the top or not this is none of your business.

You would be well advised to keep your opinion to yourself and certainly don’t drag your brother in the middle against his wife and the mother of his child.

its obviously EXTREME but- its helluvaa wake up call for him. What if he decides the bride could of lost couple of lbs?...or waxed her top lip? pre big day?
She KNOWS her son.
be 100% more effective if eeeeeeeven if everybody thinks is ott they bite tongue n support her.ESPECIALLY cos bro is step up.
actions=consequences.THATS TOUGH
Commenting ,negatively -particularly directly at target is brutal . in wee gang of merry men adds to that considerably. ive got 2 ds.ones 28 nd NEVER woulda got self in situation...others 14...and no track record similar...but i wouldnt rule anything out with him,hes not as "grown up" as he needs to be yet.
stick a hand rit note up your bum.whatsat gony do???
There is literally NOTHING that will undo the impact.the damage is 100% done.
School is a shitshow. id make sure they know that
Regardless s to the girls sexuality-or even if they didnt make it up n she is butch.hell,even if she bees butch on purpose.....its nasty.
alternatively they could pull fight fire with (immature\cruel\vengence)shave his eyebrows off,provide frilly dress and heels for the big day.
would that be easier?
Generally good kid is not on balance with the onetime he really husni been.thats not how the world works.
tough. sorry.but totl tough
hnd write his aunty full polgy n request some sorta "live feed"(tht he prob little/no intrest in nywy)but sorta respectful.which hes needing to polish.

If another family member has covered half the cost for him to attend, if the parents stop him coming I'd be charging them for the entire amount for him that's been wasted. Sounds like they just want a child free holiday for themselves tbh 🤷‍♀️

I think saying sorry to the girl and promising to not do it again is good enough. This severe punishment seems really over the top. What a shame he'll miss the holiday and wedding, he won't be in any of the photos either.

Complete bullshit

Agree with this! Typical double standards.

QFT. What he did was nasty and what is most needed here is some kind of genuine apology to the girl. A handwritten note that shows remorse and the ability to admit you are wrong is going to be a much better life lesson than being banned from a holiday.

I am not sure why it is so terrible to call a girl butch when other people are celebrating young females being 'non-binary' and having healthy breasts removed.

This is not saying that I think boys should go round calling girls names. But really the problem is part of something much larger. Society doesn't celebrate butch lesbians, but only Taylor Swift lookalikes. Sadly the preferred slution for many young women now is to opt for saying they are trans. If the young woman had claimed it was transphobic bullying, the school would certainly have come down on him a lot harder.

You can have an opinion but you don’t have a say. Keep your nose out of their business!

Shes ever so right but might change her mind before the time.
The amount of guilt and unhappiness she must feel .

I don't think it was a one off and they are a group really awful behaviour

I definitely agree with the SIL's stance to punish him because he was wrong but I would probably not use the wedding because it is a family event and just brings more drama and attention and now involve the bride and other people etc. I

would find another appropriate punishment.