AIBU for being upset that my autistic child is being excluded on purpose.

[lucyloooooo]

For background, I have two children from a previous relationship that was abusive. I left 4 years ago. The children are currently 6 & 5. This post is regarding my 5 year old son.

My partner of 2 years and I have a son together (1). All 3 kids live with me, as well as partner. We are engaged.

My partner is going away this weekend with his family (mum, 2 brothers, brothers 2 children, brothers wife) and taking the son we share. He has not invited me or my other two children.

I have asked him if we can attend, and told him how I feel being excluded, especially as this is our sons first trip away, and was met with ignorance, hostility, anger. He has said he doesn't want us to come due to my 5 year old being autistic. Apparently, it wouldn't be right, it's not fair to anyone else that wants a chilled weekend away, it's not his trip to go inviting whomever, and he is not their dad.

I'll admit there have been a few times we have taken out 6yo by himself to certain things, such as the arcades ( a small outing, couple of hours at most) but it's because he very rarely gets the chance to just be himself and do what he wants without worrying about what 5yo SEN son is doing/going to do/how he will react. This fact is currently being used against me by partner, explaining that we have excluded him before, so why not now?

I am not ignorant to the fact that my SEN child is not easy. But he is getting better with age, communicating more than ever, gaining an understanding and just getting better at everything in general. He loves his iPad, going to the beach and being with his brothers. I do not want to keep him locked up his entire life, just because he has ASD.

My two children went on holiday with their dad 2.5 years ago and I was heartbroken that I wouldn't be seeing their first holiday, but accepted that this is the life of separated parents.

I am so hurt that my partner would purposefully exclude us/ 5yo son because he has autism. I even suggested to him to at least take my 6yo as well, the most easygoing child you'll ever meet, and doesn't get to do much being that one of his siblings is autistic and the other a baby, so both require a lot of attention. But again refused as he said he doesn't want to, he said he doesn't want the responsibility of taking 2 children away 'alone' and has said his family have only asked for 1yo son.

He has said a lot in the past few days that have been pretty hurtful, but nothing cuts deeper than the different treatment for me and my sons, compared to the son we share and his family. Partner admitted he is happy to have my feelings at his disposal to please everyone else around him, including himself.

Please tell me, AIBU? Is he? Do I need to just get over it as he's said or is this something I seriously need to assess going forward? After all of this, I'm not sure I can continue but I am desperate for a second opinion. Thank you ❤️

Oh god, not ALL THREE kids are his, as they would not be with the situation I described. There are so so many where the OH kids - the SDC are his and she wants to take her LO away.

Yep this

Love is not real anyways. It’s infatuation or lust like a teenager. Disney tells us to focus on love but once you’re an adult and you have kids you need to focus on them instead of your own infatuation. And either way he clearly does not love you back.

The problem is OP has been told not only are her children not welcome, neither is she. Where is the respect or fairness in that? Fortunately I'm not in this situation. If I was in the situation and my new partner didn't treat my children as well as well as he treated our child together & with the same amount of consideration the relationship would be over.

The point I’ve made a few times now is that people dont usually go around wearing signs that say ‘I am a bad person, avoid me.’ Lots of people only show their true colours after they’ve ‘won’ their victim, either after moving in or especially after they get pregnant.

So although you cannot remove the risk entirely you can certainly help cut it down by not moving in a new man and being pregnant within a year of starting dating.

There wasn’t some urgent need to find a man and settle down in this case op has two children not that old back when she met this new man.

By all means date and shag from the chandeliers if you so desire. But they don’t need to be anywhere near your children. Let alone moving in and making new babies.

The OP was asking advice about current predicament, not for judgement for life choices from those that obviously see themselves as perfect and have never made a mistake. Berating them for a past decision following leaving an abusive relationship and potentially being vulnerable as a result is completely derailing the post and prevents helpful advice getting through.

So don't move men in or get pregnant.

I think you know the answer and that is to end your relationship

All you can do is move forward you have now seen who he is sadly this too often happens when we are deeply involved. All you need to concentrate on at the moment is what is best for your children and yourself this is what matters

its you home so that makes things easier plan carefully and get lots of support from family/friends

If it helps someone else not make the mistake or stops op doing it again creating a pattern it’s worth it.

None of us are perfect 🙄 but the point is to learn not continue the pattern.

They aren't the nicest to me. I have seen behaviour that demonstrates they think they're better than me. I could be wrong, I could be just insecure (which is not something I am normally) but they aren't shy about laying into me whenever they feel like it.

He doesn't that I know of. Just our shared child.

He is the only one I've 'moved in' - I was with ex for years and left him early 2020. Single for 2, and met current partner start of 2022.

I understand it was quick, he moved in around 6 months into our relationship. I have addressed my mistakes, and unfortunately we cannot turn back the clock, not that I would with my children, anyway.

My choices and mistakes are what they are and I am learning from them. I have not come here to be bashed. I am already hard on myself enough, without others jumping on the bandwagon. I have asked for advice.

But the ‘bashing’ is advice, op. Just strongly worded to ensure it sinks in. Where children are concerned people will take a stronger tone because their well-being matters more than your feelings. Try to take it as intended. Kick the user out and concentrate on your kids. You’re paying to house and feed not only him but his brother as well, this is ridiculous. It’s money taken from your own children.

Eh? What did life do to you? I'm pretty sure I love my husband.

But the ‘bashing’ is advice, op

I understand that. And I understand when it comes to children/making the same mistakes involving children, I will have harsh comments.

My only issue is I am already taking steps to ensure my children are well, no matter how I feel. As I've said in previous responses, I'm trying. But the comments of attempting to better myself and my understanding of how it has got to this stage - being things moved far far too quickly - seem to be ignored.

I know what I need to do to be proactive, what to do, what not to do and the things I need to do differently, but this situation is difficult for me as I am being told by partner that I am completely deranged and unreasonable. So came for advice on what I need to do regarding this.

If it means permanent measures, then so be it. But I am lost, and that's what I need help with right now.

Nailed it

The op loves her husband too but it’s just an emotion not something to base your life around. He obviously does not love or respect her or her kids. Regardless of any love/infatuation she feels she should leave him. He’s not going to change no matter how much she loves him or explains herself to him.

No you’re not wrong. Trust your instincts on this kind of stuff. We tend to brush aside our instinct about the bad side of people or bad intentions of people because we don’t want to face the reality. But then years later you’ll realize your instinct was right all along.

He doesn’t view step parenting as you do, and tbh it sounds like he’s increasingly struggling with step parenting as a whole.

It may be that he didn’t lie to you at the beginning, but it’s very easy to make promises in the first flush of love without understanding what you’re actually promising. Both of you jumped into an insta-family with likely the best of intentions, but reality slapped you both hard in the face.

You can’t make him view your children as you want him to, or take them on as his responsibility. He isn’t their father and he doesn’t want to be. You either have to accept reality for what it is, or end the relationship. I don’t think either of you are in the wrong for what you want, but you aren’t on the same page here. You’re ultimately incompatible.

That is my advice for the future, no need for you to go back in time.

So his family don’t like you, they don’t like your 5year old. You’ve been together two years.

They just don’t see you as family and nor does he.

question is..

Hammer it out with him and work towards a better future together.

Leave him and well he gets visitation.

OP, leave thehildren out of the equation for a second.

He doesn't pay his fair share.

He is calling you deranged and his family are unkind to you.

What do you actually get out of this relationship? Seems like you are on a hiding to nothing.

You should be proud of any and all progress you have made - it can't be easy, leaving a domestic abuse situation.

Don't nullify that progress by staying with a man who doesn't seem to even like you.

You “fell in love fast”, most likely because your head was still fucked over from your abusive ex. Well done on leaving him.

He fell in love fast with the opportunity for cheap digs. And here he is, not even paying his own way, having his brother at yours Fri-Sun every week????? 😳

You accept his brother, but he doesn’t accept your children. Tell him to get to fuck.
You made a mistake. Don’t beat yourself up about that, but act on it. And double up your contraception.

Oh love, you need rid of this man. He's not a good person and doesn't care about you. That's very clear. You have your beautiful children to be thankful for, whatever mistakes you may have made in this relationship. But it's definitely time to move on and get rid of this man who doesn't deserve you.

A new relationship with two young children and then an unplanned baby what, twelve weeks in? That was a huge amount for any man to take on board. I wonder if his family are concerned about him and the hours he works, and want to spend time to themselves with him?

Your older two are not his, nor are they anything to do with his family. I can see why they'd only be interested in time with his child, not two they don't know.

And being responsible for an autistic child would be a big ask for them, if they have no experience.

It was familiar experience for you, but probably unknown territory for them.

You mention your brothers are also on the spectrum - so could it be you are yourself and there's a bit of rejection sensitivity for you going on here?

And on top of the trauma you must have experienced with your ex - did you seek out therapy for that? Again, a lot for him to take on board and he may simply need a break.

Not wanting you there at all, though - that seems like he's pulling away.

If it weren't for your shared child, do you think you'd still be together today?