AIBU for being upset that my autistic child is being excluded on purpose.

[lucyloooooo]

For background, I have two children from a previous relationship that was abusive. I left 4 years ago. The children are currently 6 & 5. This post is regarding my 5 year old son.

My partner of 2 years and I have a son together (1). All 3 kids live with me, as well as partner. We are engaged.

My partner is going away this weekend with his family (mum, 2 brothers, brothers 2 children, brothers wife) and taking the son we share. He has not invited me or my other two children.

I have asked him if we can attend, and told him how I feel being excluded, especially as this is our sons first trip away, and was met with ignorance, hostility, anger. He has said he doesn't want us to come due to my 5 year old being autistic. Apparently, it wouldn't be right, it's not fair to anyone else that wants a chilled weekend away, it's not his trip to go inviting whomever, and he is not their dad.

I'll admit there have been a few times we have taken out 6yo by himself to certain things, such as the arcades ( a small outing, couple of hours at most) but it's because he very rarely gets the chance to just be himself and do what he wants without worrying about what 5yo SEN son is doing/going to do/how he will react. This fact is currently being used against me by partner, explaining that we have excluded him before, so why not now?

I am not ignorant to the fact that my SEN child is not easy. But he is getting better with age, communicating more than ever, gaining an understanding and just getting better at everything in general. He loves his iPad, going to the beach and being with his brothers. I do not want to keep him locked up his entire life, just because he has ASD.

My two children went on holiday with their dad 2.5 years ago and I was heartbroken that I wouldn't be seeing their first holiday, but accepted that this is the life of separated parents.

I am so hurt that my partner would purposefully exclude us/ 5yo son because he has autism. I even suggested to him to at least take my 6yo as well, the most easygoing child you'll ever meet, and doesn't get to do much being that one of his siblings is autistic and the other a baby, so both require a lot of attention. But again refused as he said he doesn't want to, he said he doesn't want the responsibility of taking 2 children away 'alone' and has said his family have only asked for 1yo son.

He has said a lot in the past few days that have been pretty hurtful, but nothing cuts deeper than the different treatment for me and my sons, compared to the son we share and his family. Partner admitted he is happy to have my feelings at his disposal to please everyone else around him, including himself.

Please tell me, AIBU? Is he? Do I need to just get over it as he's said or is this something I seriously need to assess going forward? After all of this, I'm not sure I can continue but I am desperate for a second opinion. Thank you ❤️

Your partner doesn't see your kids as part of his family. This won't change and they will get excluded for the rest of their lives.

Him getting angry at your suggestion was uncalled for, he is showing you who he is & he isn't a "family man"

Exactly. The model for future holidays is being set:
DP takes shared child. Mum and NT child are “invited”, and ND child is told to go elsewhere. Neither of the older children get any holidays with either Mum nor Dad. Shared child goes on all of the holidays, like an only child.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Mum is responsible for the lion’s share of the financial commitments, while DP’s brother uses Mum’s home as a crash pad as he pleases.
Sounds lush.

I might be coming at this from a completely different and unhelpful angle but I am your fiancé in my marriage.

My DS is a teenager and has ASD amongst other diagnoses and behavioural challenges, he is mentally around 2 years old and I have two children with my husband who are 3 and 5.

We used to do everything together but for the last 4 years or so, and especially since having a second child together we do everything separately. Now this might seem extreme but DSS has had social services etc involved because of his behaviour and the children being unsafe around him (in both households).

Obviously for us it’s not just about fairness and enjoyment but also safety for the other children.

I don’t know if your fiancé is being unreasonable because I don’t know the extent of your child’s behaviour but for me, holidays or any activity was made very difficult and often unpleasant in the company of DSS - probably not when he was 5 but as time went on it became harder and harder. It completely changed the dynamic and everything had to centre around DSS and his needs. I don’t think that’s fair for the younger children and I also think it’s ok for your fiancé to want to enjoy a holiday without that. it’s also really hard being the “only” parent to the joint children and never getting to take turns with the joint children and so never getting a break. (My DH can’t safely look after all our kids).

The compromise for me, would be a holiday a different time with all kids. We now holiday as a family of four and DH takes DSS away separately. That’s one advantage of being a spilt family - DSS’ mum does the same as she also enjoys time with her younger children and can’t manage long stints with all the children together.

Firstly, you didn't allow any abuse. From anyone!

Secondly, you have drifted into another abusive situation, so you really need to reflect on why.

Why did you - as you admitted - ignore the red flags here?
Why did you allow yourself to fall so quickly for a man who doesn't want to be near your children?

Please consider a good break before you get into another relations and don't ignore red flags, for your sake & your kids.

Get him out of your house.

This is concerning... he knew you couldn't use any other contraception, only condoms... he is living in your house, naturally as you have a child together...

Can you be 100% he didn't sabotage the condom to trap you...after all, he has it made. A kid, a partner, a home for him & his brother, it's almost text book cock lodger...

How are his family with you OP? As I notice neither you or your existing children are invited? That is another element.

And that's why people should take it slowly and be discerning. You can most certainly Balme women for impulsive behaviour that leads to this kind of thing as it's fucking mental.

He has made his feelings about your child crystal clear.

You had a child with a man too quickly and didn’t give enough time to see if this relationship was all it should be and if he was going to be a good step dad to your children.

He isn’t going to change his opinions or treat you and your child any better. He sees you as separate to his child and family.

What a silly comparison.

Why?

I’ve seen women get the blame after being with their partner for years, then asking for advice because he’s slowly revealed that he’s a prick. No matter what we do, we get blamed 🤷‍♀️

I don't know how you could possibly consider staying with this man. Your relationship with him has no future. Did you get pregnant as soon as you met him? You need to urgently reassess your future. Sorry OP.

I agree with this

I’m also willing to bet he has other kids somewhere?

I wonder whether your partner taking a weekend away, without you and DC5&6, is exactly what you both need.

The trip is just a symptom of your issues, which sounds like a mix of (1) issues with communication and (2) possibly, your DP struggling with some of the realities of family life.

Perhaps you can use the time to think about what you want, and what your kids need, and to remember what it's like to have a weekend to yourself without your DP and his brother!

If this relationship is to continue, the two of you need to be able to be really honest - about what you want, about the challenges of a blended family, about the challenges of raising an SEN child, etc. He may have some truths that are really uncomfortable, for instance in relation to how he relates to your older DCs. It is far better that this come out so you can decide what to do about it.

It sounds like all manner of promises may have been made early on, but talk is cheap and you are now being put to the test. I would suggest that you let the trip go, and focus on the bigger picture. It may be that having some discussions with a counsellor present might help. If he refuses to participate in these discussions, or cannot do so in a calm and thoughtful manner, then I'm afraid that is a very bad sign.

Just please, please don't move any more men into your children's home.

Yes anyone should be blamed for allowing bad people into their children's lives, parents need to think and put their children first especially when it is moving partners in and crying 'but I love them/they say they love me'

Yes and it isn't blaming anyone for someone else's shit behaviour.
But crap people exist and if you don't do what you can to weed them out before you go eyeball deep then you're taking a higher stakes gamble then if you take it slower.

Some very cunning sorts can manage to conceal their true nature for even a long time and discovery is a long way down the track... Against those there is little defence, and no one could criticise.

How long did you know him before you let him move in?

Just another example that "blended" families don't work

Tell my lot that.
It's worked for my 66 years. It's still working. It worked for my parents until they died.
What helped was they both had hearts as big as buckets.
We are not the Waltons, but we work.

This know one really gets to know anyone they just move them in.

It's wonderful to fall madly in love, but to mistake those powerful feelings for evidence they're a good'un is naive. Over time you find out if they're as good as they seem and until then you just enjoy the ride.
If you go all in you may gamble and win (some do, I know a couple who has two dates... He went abroad and persuaded her to follow him, meet her off the plane with a marriage proposal and 3 decades later were still happy together- but that's unicorn poo in real life)... But more likely you'll gamble and lose.
Keep a cool head when your hearts on fire if you can.

Does that mean you're responsible for the crap behaviour because you trusted too soon... Obviously not. But you are throwing your lot in with an unknown quantity and you have to take the consequences for better or worse.

It really depend on the step child relationship here.

In OPs case they are one family. However most dads do not have full time custody, the kids 'visit' rather than live as a full family unit.

A mother taking her kid out to the aquarium on a thursday because hes 3 and not in school yet, the dads at work and they are bored instead of waiting until the step kids visit the next weekend to make it a huge family outing is ENTIRELY different to living together as 1 family unit and taking just one kid away for a full holiday and refusing to let the other parent and kids who are there go.

I have taken my (full siblings not that it matters) toddler out without my older kids who are in school. Its pretty common, so why would it be different with step kids? I would however never go on holiday and leave some of my kids at home.

I grew up as a step child, if my step dad favorite my brother and cut me out I would be hurt as he was the 'dad' in my life but if my bio father fucked off with his step kids I wouldn't even know about it likely as I didn't live with them.

Falling madly deeply in love and moving fast is fine. When your a teenager or a single 20 or 30 something with no children or any big responsibilities. Once you’ve got children it’s time to think with your head over the speed of your heart.