AIBU for being upset that my autistic child is being excluded on purpose.

[lucyloooooo]

For background, I have two children from a previous relationship that was abusive. I left 4 years ago. The children are currently 6 & 5. This post is regarding my 5 year old son.

My partner of 2 years and I have a son together (1). All 3 kids live with me, as well as partner. We are engaged.

My partner is going away this weekend with his family (mum, 2 brothers, brothers 2 children, brothers wife) and taking the son we share. He has not invited me or my other two children.

I have asked him if we can attend, and told him how I feel being excluded, especially as this is our sons first trip away, and was met with ignorance, hostility, anger. He has said he doesn't want us to come due to my 5 year old being autistic. Apparently, it wouldn't be right, it's not fair to anyone else that wants a chilled weekend away, it's not his trip to go inviting whomever, and he is not their dad.

I'll admit there have been a few times we have taken out 6yo by himself to certain things, such as the arcades ( a small outing, couple of hours at most) but it's because he very rarely gets the chance to just be himself and do what he wants without worrying about what 5yo SEN son is doing/going to do/how he will react. This fact is currently being used against me by partner, explaining that we have excluded him before, so why not now?

I am not ignorant to the fact that my SEN child is not easy. But he is getting better with age, communicating more than ever, gaining an understanding and just getting better at everything in general. He loves his iPad, going to the beach and being with his brothers. I do not want to keep him locked up his entire life, just because he has ASD.

My two children went on holiday with their dad 2.5 years ago and I was heartbroken that I wouldn't be seeing their first holiday, but accepted that this is the life of separated parents.

I am so hurt that my partner would purposefully exclude us/ 5yo son because he has autism. I even suggested to him to at least take my 6yo as well, the most easygoing child you'll ever meet, and doesn't get to do much being that one of his siblings is autistic and the other a baby, so both require a lot of attention. But again refused as he said he doesn't want to, he said he doesn't want the responsibility of taking 2 children away 'alone' and has said his family have only asked for 1yo son.

He has said a lot in the past few days that have been pretty hurtful, but nothing cuts deeper than the different treatment for me and my sons, compared to the son we share and his family. Partner admitted he is happy to have my feelings at his disposal to please everyone else around him, including himself.

Please tell me, AIBU? Is he? Do I need to just get over it as he's said or is this something I seriously need to assess going forward? After all of this, I'm not sure I can continue but I am desperate for a second opinion. Thank you ❤️

@MaryMaryVeryContrary OP said that her first relationship was abusive, and that he was starting to abuse the kids. So unless you are saying that women are responsible for the abuse they receive...
This second guy sounds like he was saying and doing all the right things. No one knows how they are going to feel as a parent. Remember when you love your sweet, precious first born and then you bring your second home and suddenly see your first as a huge, terrifying threat?
We are biologically programmed to want the best for our flesh and blood. I am a stepchild who is loved dearly and even I know this.

You’re talking about a woman that was already responsible for children, that chose to have another baby, and move in, with a man within weeks of meeting him. Yes, she is responsible for her actions here. Adults are responsible for their choices.

I have an autistic son. Its bloody hard work and not relaxing fot others. Schedules are rigid. Meltdowns a plenty. I genuinely understand why people do not want to be with him. Its terribly hurtful. But including him isn't always right for the child either who is better at home with the routine and order

As he grows you will have to accept that things are not the same with an autistic child. Ps your fiance sounds a dick

You say he is taking your son as if you don't have a say in it.

My family often offered holidays like that where they did not include my partner, I always turned them down. We are a family and we don't split and play those silly games. I would not accept DH taking our child and leaving me out either.

You can't stop HIM going if he wants to be an ass and leave you all behind but you absoloutly have a say in him not taking your child away without you.

The way he reacted to you should say everything. Don't marry this guy. He'll do this again.

I fully admit that I was irresponsible, naive and allowed a man into our lives we barely knew. I know that, I've made mistakes and I take mine on the chin every time. I truly feel the guilt for the mistakes I have made, but as we all know, we learn and grow from them. I'm trying.

But the relationship we have had, the way he has treated the kids has mostly been positive, so the behaviour now is such a shock.

The last few months, he has changed. His attitude, the way he treats my two older boys, the way he speaks to me, everything about him has changed.

As I said, I've seen snippets. Little things here and there if him being selfish toward me over the past few years. I dealt with it at the time and got over it. I'm in a situation now where I'm seeing it being done to my children and don't know the right path to take, if there even is one.

I take full responsibility for the mistakes I have made, none of these are excuses or pushing the blame, I know where I have gone wrong. I needed impartial advice.

If your child doesnt cope well in these situations it is sensible not to take him on holiday with a crowd of folk. But your DH hasnt handled it in a very tactful way.

I'm seeing it being done to my children and don't know the right path to take, if there even is one.

You sound very smart and self-aware of how things really are. I think you do know the path, if you're honest with yourself. You can't have this done to your children, or yourself. It'll grind down yours and their self-worth and get worse.

I can give you my experience with my ND child op if it will help you make a decision.

She's a teenager now. Her safe space is vital for her. Her safe space is our home. School exhausts her, it's all she can really manage, and she needs her home to be lovely.

Do NOT let 2 of your 3 children grow up believing they're 'not good enough'.
You have enough time deal with with 3 kids (1 of whom has additional needs).
Lose the loser who is only interested in some of you (& on his terms). Good luck x

Sorry got as far as what he sai, you choose your daughter!

I’m so sorry. It sounds like your partner promised the world and isn’t able to keep his word.

It may not be for any other reason than step-parenting is harder than he thought or he hasn’t developed the feelings towards your children that he hoped he would.

Either way, he and his family are not going to accept your children in the way you’d hoped and if he’s already blaming your DC for being in their home too often, it will only go downhill from here.

This could turn into another abusive and neglectful environment.

Thank you for that, I really appreciate any insight. I grew up with 3 brothers, all on the spectrum and it was easy for any of us, but we still did everything we would normally do - my mum didn't exclude, nor did she test them any differently.

Most of the time, 5yo is the same. He loves school, but it's tiring. He loves going to my mums house, he loves his siblings, and all the same he loves his alone time. Home is his safe space. But he also loves to be active, go to parks, go swimming, dance and play with other children. And he LOVES books.

My point is, his safe space is crucial, but he also loves to do things outside of routine (as long as they are fun, and involve a sweet treat ). If he was triggered, then it's my responsibility to have that seen to. But there's a possibility he would the best time, as we have before.

As his attitude has changed over the last few months, leading up to this situation, I think you should prepare yourself for the fact that he may be about to sling his hook.

This might be the best thing to happen, especially as the house is yours and he is already using it as a doss house for his brother at weekends. Does he give you any extra for his brother's bed and board?

As an aside, I notice you refer-more than once to "we " fell pregnant. No, YOU fell pregnant and it is you who will be literally left holding the baby when he leaves.

I do think we should keep in mind that it is us who fall pregnant, not men-it is not a 'we' situation and pretending it is leads many of us into a false sense of security.

Anyway, you mention getting your tubes tied and this is probably the best way for you if you don't get on with contraception. The last thing you need is another baby to this current partner or a future one.

Good luck to you!

You sound like an intelligent woman. What would you advise a friend to do if she put these facts to you?

I see posts on here all the time from women who want a holiday or a day out with their own child but not their stepchildren, and they're usually told that they're NBU.

I don't see the difference here really. He wants a holiday with his family and his son, without his stepchildren.

The fact that one of those stepchildren has SEN does make it more difficult, for him and everyone else on that holiday.

If he didn't arrange the holiday, I don't think it's appropriate for him to change the dynamics of it by bringing two extra children.

The second my bloke saw my 3 kids with SEN as an inconvenience would be when it was game over. Yes ASD is hard work but you have to let them have the experiences so they can get accustomed and you can learn what works and what doesn't. If your kids havent been accepted then this relationship doesn't have the staying distance.

As ASD runs in your family. What will he be like if the baby also has it?

I think I'd tell him to go on the holiday, leave the baby and he'll be moving out when he gets back.

Op don't be too harsh on yourself, you're clearly a loving Mum. I think you need to dump your partner. Sadly he comes across as very selfish and uncaring which isn't sustainable long-term. Good luck.

No but they must take all steps to mitigate abuse. Or likely bad outcomes. Op hasn’t done that.

Well what a mess this is. Take your time with the next relationship, if you can find someone who will contemplate that level of complexity.

Arseholes don’t generally show that they’re arseholes right away, or no one would want to be near them. It tends to be an insidious and gradual reveal of their arseholery. And lo, women get blamed for men’s bad behaviour yet again.

Let’s just all leave our front doors wide open then - if we get burgled we can blame the perpetrator, not our fault..

That’s why you don’t rush into moving someone in and having a kid, surely? Especially if you’re already responsible for children.

One thing I’d be concerned by is your DH setting a precedence with this holiday of splitting up the siblings despite living in the same household, whilst depriving you of the first holiday with your youngest child.

I do think you need to stand your ground on this, either you all go as a family, or none of you go. And you have your first holiday as a smaller family unit without wider family.

if you let this holiday happen as is being dictated to you, then you will have lost control and it is a time and experience that you can never have back.

Sorry to tell you but you are in another abusive relationship. It’s pretty clear he does not love you or your own children. Otherwise he would not want to holiday without you and neglect you or hurt you with his comments.

End the engagement now and move forward alone with your children. You will have to co-parent but it’s better than marrying someone who does not love you or your children.

You should also do some work on yourself to understand abuse dynamics. The fact that you left an abusive relationship and ended up in another one without recognizing it means you have not done the work to educate yourself on these dynamics.