Niece chucked her life away - anyone experienced this pain?

[Corianm]

So my half sister has the most wonderful daughter who just turned 19. She is one of the loveliest girls to have ever walked the planet - she’s so kind, sweet, caring and hilarious in the most charming/endearing way. She has a lot of very young half siblings on her dad’s side and gosh the way she interacts with them is just incredible. She is adored by them.

I was always excited to see where her life would take her. My niece always expressed a desire to experience the world e.g. she hoped to live in Italy for a year and learn the language. The world was truly to be her oyster. I’m know I’m very effusive just out of a desire to convey her loveliness. Trust me my family have not been blowing smoke up her behind for the past 19 years. She very much is has her feet on the ground. Never placed on a pedestal or anything like that.

Anyway, niece recently told me she is expecting. Of course I congratulated her and expressed enthusiasm when she told me. But truth be told I am gutted. The father is a nice enough guy but is quite happy living quite an ignorant life. We once had a conversation which involved the bf arguing how boring art galleries are. I’m just heartbroken for my niece, she’s actually interested in the world and wanted to experience it. But she has completely changed her life plans (no uni now) for this boy.

I’ll always be there for her but my heart aches. It’s obviously her life to live. I’m very aware of not being inappropriate re boundaries.

Has anyone else experienced a similar situation?

Absolutely this. Biology doesn’t outstrip life experience, maturity, financial stability etc.

What are you defining as ‘the best years of your life’? And what are you defining as ‘what’s left later on’?

@MyGardenIsAmess

I never found having a baby brutal. I loved it and found it quite easy. Whether that's because I was younger or whether it's because motherhood is just something that came easier to me than to some others, I don't know.

Maybe, who knows. Maybe it was a factor, maybe you were just lucky. I just don’t think this is the most important parameter. Whether you cope well with an infant isn’t the most crucial long term factor. Sure it’s an advantage. But long term is it going to make you a better parent? I don’t think so. It’s a couple of years out of 20. The rest of it is more important.

All the data in the world shows that all things being equal a stable family with enough money and in particular an educated mother are the most important parameters for children’s health, development and wellbeing.

Being a teenage mother in an unstable relationship where your opportunity for future development and education is curtailed is not supportive of that goal.

Ultimately the fact that you coped better with sleep deprivation isn’t going to be as important as whether you have an education and your own money.

I believe you should get to experience at least part of your adulthood as a childfree person. Not having children means you get so much freedom....once that's gone, it's gone. You'll never get it back. Even when your DC are adults.

But anyway, the baby part is the easy bit imo. And a very short lived bit too. It's the remaining two decades you need to worry about

Exactly. And you are far better equipped for this with a bit of life experience behind you.

Yeah I do get that. I always say that the ideal time to have kids is between 25 and 35, but if you’re going for the less ideal extremes, I’d rather go for the younger end than the older. What is a bit annoying is all the posters who think having a baby late teens/early 20s is a travesty, whilst encouraging women to have babies in their 40s which is just as not ideal as having them young.

@Ohhelpicantthinkofaname

I don’t think anyone is saying it’s a travesty to have kids very young. Plenty of people make it work.

But it’s indisputable that it’s much riskier to have a kid or kids when you can’t support them yourself. That’s the bottom line. You are gambling everything on a bloke. How can that ever be worthwhile, regardless of finding night feeds easier or whatever the supposed benefits are meant to be.

I see it over and over again on here, that once your children are adults you’ll be able to live like a childfree person again. But from what I have seen of my friends with adult children it simply isn’t true.

I believe you should get to experience at least part of your adulthood as a childfree person. Not having children means you get so much freedom....once that's gone, it's gone. You'll never get it back. Even when your DC are adults.

I'd agree though if we'd done as MIL wanted and waited to 38 and 40 not 28 and 30 I think we'd just have been 10 years older - later house buying - closer to retirement when kids are independent.

Gives us a few years to build up savings clear mortgage and enjoy more deposable income before we hit current retirement ages - not as long as our parents had but more than some of our peers.

Well that’s just sad for you. To not have any dreams, to not want anything more.

The OP wanted more for her niece and I completely empathise with her.

I’m sorry you never dreamed when you were younger. I’m sorry you never wanted more from your life.

I'm perfectly happy with my life. Feel sorry for the people who are struggling. You sound utterly ridiculous.

Honestly! And they have no idea what I wanted out of life either, I had plenty of dreams but they didn't involve going to university and travelling around on a shoestring staying in smelly hostels. So narrow minded to assume there is only one path to follow in life and that anyone who doesn't conform to their views is not doing things right.

Well said.

The loser the niece is with doesn’t have a plan.

@westisbest1982 how is doing an apprenticeship not "a plan" ?

He is not a loser he works, he is a apprentice, his money will go up in time. He drinks in a pub, how awful, 19 and likes a pint, whatever next.
What a dreadful way to look at life, you do you and let others do the same.
As for not having a plan, how do you know? People can change in time.

Agree with this. I am shocked with that gross expression. That's cercently not what I did when I went travelling to the UK and then Ireland in my twenties.
It was about meeting a new culture so different to yours and that really and truly broadens your mind. I think you can understand the world better. You start respecting and liking things you didn't even knew they exist while growing up.

It's two decades later now and I cannot regret one bit of it. I started a career, made friends from all over Europe, met my husband and had my children and made my home in Ireland. I still have a good career, and now keep travelling with my family. I want my kids to experience travelling and having a full life.

Travelling is not about go drinking and shagging around. Far from it.

Even if someone does do a lot of drinking and shagging, as long as they're safe and enjoying themselves, good for them!

Your classism is showing, @Corianm. You may say you’re working class but you’re asking if similar people have lived on rough estates, showing your distaste for someone spending time at the pub, how he’s working with his dad as if that isn’t good enough...

A woman can have a baby at any point, and it still wouldn’t be a dealbreaker or the end of her life. Even if your niece doesn’t go on to get a degree or go into the career you’ve mentioned, even if she were to be a stay at home mother, that’s her choice! Feminism is a choice, which I’m explicitly stating due to your mention of misogyny. It’s the same with your overt judgment of the partner’s family and what the women believe.

Reading your updates, it’s clear you just don’t like what other people are saying and getting on the defence. You are not your niece, this is not your life. Lives are not linear, plans change, desires change and so do people. She’s nineteen, do you think that just because she’s had these ideas this is going to be set in stone for her entire life?

I would encourage you to open your mind, think about how bloody vast time is and what may happen, and more importantly, take a step back from this obsession with your niece and how she spends her time. I don’t mean to sound brutal but forget being disappointed if that were my niece, I’d be disappointed if my aunt had such an outdated mindset. I hope you can maybe see the situation from another perspective alongside your own.

How on earth did you deduce OP was “obsessed” about her niece? What a ridiculous observation.

Hey @westisbest1982, I believe OP’s initial post and subsequent ones are pretty overt in them picturing a certain life for the niece and being devastated that the pregnancy seems to have halted it - the poster themselves also said they’d been a bit dramatic. Hope this helps, but obviously we can just agree to disagree. :)

Fk, she really should have gotten herself on an implant or something.

My niece has had one for a while, it no doubt removes a heap of worry from my sister.

Your classism is showing, . You may say you’re working class but you’re asking if similar people have lived on rough estates, showing your distaste for someone spending time at the pub, how he’s working with his dad as if that isn’t good enough

None of those are about classism.

The op is pointing out, correctly, that it is often more difficult for people from rough estates to succeed in further education and careers,let alone trying to do it as a young Mum.

She's not showing distaste for spending time in the pub, it's the fact that he spends pretty much all his free time, on a pretty much daily basis in the pub, and seems to do FA else that she's worried about. A. I'm sure she'd be equally worried if he was a posh boy who spent all his free time drinking in pubs or wherever. It's the use of time/habit that's the issue. And B. It's the implication re. being a father ...and how it would be compatible.

Working with his Dad ... Relates to him not getting out from under the influence of his "traditional' family, even at work. His world is narrow. Again, that is worrying given op's nieces interests and passions and outlook. And worrying re his expectations of her.