Niece chucked her life away - anyone experienced this pain?

[Corianm]

So my half sister has the most wonderful daughter who just turned 19. She is one of the loveliest girls to have ever walked the planet - she’s so kind, sweet, caring and hilarious in the most charming/endearing way. She has a lot of very young half siblings on her dad’s side and gosh the way she interacts with them is just incredible. She is adored by them.

I was always excited to see where her life would take her. My niece always expressed a desire to experience the world e.g. she hoped to live in Italy for a year and learn the language. The world was truly to be her oyster. I’m know I’m very effusive just out of a desire to convey her loveliness. Trust me my family have not been blowing smoke up her behind for the past 19 years. She very much is has her feet on the ground. Never placed on a pedestal or anything like that.

Anyway, niece recently told me she is expecting. Of course I congratulated her and expressed enthusiasm when she told me. But truth be told I am gutted. The father is a nice enough guy but is quite happy living quite an ignorant life. We once had a conversation which involved the bf arguing how boring art galleries are. I’m just heartbroken for my niece, she’s actually interested in the world and wanted to experience it. But she has completely changed her life plans (no uni now) for this boy.

I’ll always be there for her but my heart aches. It’s obviously her life to live. I’m very aware of not being inappropriate re boundaries.

Has anyone else experienced a similar situation?

You niece has in no way thrown her life away, jeez.

Maybe dial down the drama and find a hobby to get over-invested in instead.

She’s pregnant, not dead.

when you said “chucked her life away” I assumed this was going to be about suicide/serious drug use/destructive behaviour.

She’s starting her family - that is a huge adventure. I’m sure she will be a wonderful mother. Don’t project what YOU think makes a successful life onto her achievements and downgrade them.

University and careers aren’t everything. She has loads of time to live her life. She hasn’t thrown anything away.

Ffs, dramatic much?
She is starting a family, not a heroin addiction!
I'd congratulate her, and focus on all the great things you said about her with kids

Are you writing a book?

I could have been your niece 20 years ago.

I didn't throw my life away. I changed my plans. My DC are the best thing that ever happened to me.

Yes I’ve come on slightly too strong in my post. But niece has committed herself to a boy who works for his dad during the day. And spends the rest of his time in the pub with his mates. If his brothers are anything to go by my niece will be the one doing the lion share of childcare.

You're being ridiculous. Instead of the dramatics, you could support her and encourage her to do whatever her heart desires. Her path is on a different trajectory, but her life is not ruined.

slightly I thought your niece had committed suicide.

”a boy who works for his dad during the day”

Ooh ooh is it Lachlan Murdoch?!

The men in the boyfriend’s family are shockingly old fashioned for 2024. The “mil” and “SILs” do not work. Dinner is expected on the table after the men come home from a labour intensive job. It’s just an easy trap to fall into. She is not with the kind of person that will encourage her to broaden her horizons by attending evening classes for example in a few years time.

When you say she’s completely changed her life plans “for this boy,” did she change plans before finding out she was pregnant?

I tend to think there’s a bit of unconscious misogyny in these types of posts. “She’s smart, so she should be doing big important brain things like men do - not commonplace uterus things like women do. Obviously, her only identity will be as a mother now, so she’s chucked her life away.”

Imagine it was your family member who had done well at school (neither parents went to university), expressed a desire to experience the world and then fallen pregnant to a boy whose family are fairly old fashioned re gender roles.

If niece had said she always wanted to a mum that would be one thing. But she had actually stated a desire not to have children young like her mum in order for her to travel, live abroad etc.

Did you ever read the Chinese story of the old man and the horse?

Stop writing your half-niece’s life story for her before she’s lived it.

Support your niece to expect decent behaviour and help from her bf.
Encourage her to be a great mother and, in a while, help her find information about other things she could do while also being a young parent. One subject at local Tafe, here and there; being on local Annual Art Exhibition committee etc.

Her young man might break the family mould and be a great partner, who knows? Invite them around for tea often and let them see you and your DP supporting each other.

Does she seem happy to be pregnant?

Well if the baby wasn't planned what do you want her to do?
Abortion? Adoption? Leave the baby with the dad so she can go to Italy and learn Italian?
It's not your life. Not your decision.

I went to uni, as soon as I got out I got married and have been a SAHM for close to 8 years. I love my life, and I don't mind taking care of my husband as he works so hard to give us a good lifestyle.

Support your niece or you will lose your relationship with her. If she wants to pursue other things in the future be there for her. But it's her life.

I have been nothing but supportive. I’m aware it’s not my life. Merely expressing my disappointment FOR her on an anonymous forum.

How well do you know the boyfriend’s family?

Very well. Our families are friends.

@Corianm well is SHE disappointed?
Or just you?

Do they seem to have negative views of women/mothers who work outside the home?

Wow gosh that's harsh.

Quite a few people have kids younger in the area I moved to and absolutely seems dramatic to be saying this is a bad thing.

She's in a relationship. She doesn't have to follow the previous gender roles but what of she did? Sounds like lots of support from women in his family and bringing up kids with lots of local support can be fab. I envied those locally who were in and out of families houses!

Also having kids young gives you options to work later and travel later. She gets to comit to kids while full of energy and do things in life later. It's working well for people around here.

Be honest with yourself.

You’re not expressing disappointment FOR her as she is not disappointed. You’re not even expressing disappointment that she’ll never get to have various experiences that she once expressed interest in, because she may well still get to have those experiences one way or another.

You’re expressing disappointment that one particular fantasy future that you imagined for her isn’t going to play out exactly as you thought.