Niece chucked her life away - anyone experienced this pain?

[Corianm]

So my half sister has the most wonderful daughter who just turned 19. She is one of the loveliest girls to have ever walked the planet - she’s so kind, sweet, caring and hilarious in the most charming/endearing way. She has a lot of very young half siblings on her dad’s side and gosh the way she interacts with them is just incredible. She is adored by them.

I was always excited to see where her life would take her. My niece always expressed a desire to experience the world e.g. she hoped to live in Italy for a year and learn the language. The world was truly to be her oyster. I’m know I’m very effusive just out of a desire to convey her loveliness. Trust me my family have not been blowing smoke up her behind for the past 19 years. She very much is has her feet on the ground. Never placed on a pedestal or anything like that.

Anyway, niece recently told me she is expecting. Of course I congratulated her and expressed enthusiasm when she told me. But truth be told I am gutted. The father is a nice enough guy but is quite happy living quite an ignorant life. We once had a conversation which involved the bf arguing how boring art galleries are. I’m just heartbroken for my niece, she’s actually interested in the world and wanted to experience it. But she has completely changed her life plans (no uni now) for this boy.

I’ll always be there for her but my heart aches. It’s obviously her life to live. I’m very aware of not being inappropriate re boundaries.

Has anyone else experienced a similar situation?

The thing is life don't always follow a set timeline and we can't always get what we want when we want. What happens if you're daughter reaches 30 and doesn't have children?

I'm another one who can't understand why we fetishy young mums yet older ones are classed as selfish and out of touch. My mum was mid 30s when she had me. Not old by todays standard but certainly one of the older mums. I didn't want my mum to be my friend, I wanted her to be a mum which she was! I loved how she had a whole life before me and the experience and maturity this brought. I'd have hated to have "grown up with her".

There's no right age to have a child but I can't stand this idea the younger the better for children as its some sort of gold standard.

People love to discuss the disasters? Do you think that’s what it is?

So the World Health Organisation and Save the Children are wasting their time trying to address adolescent pregnancy? So the research data about outcomes of teen pregnancies is rubbish then? Because of your happy anecdote?

It’s not about minimum wage!!! It’s about travelling and going to uni or getting a trade. It’s about finding out who you are and what you like. It’s spending time with friends and going to live music and the pub and moving in with friends and making mistakes and learning from those mistakes.

It’s about relationships that give you a better understanding of yourself.

But the OP has missed all that. She’s tethered to an absolute loser and has now lost her last year as a teenager to pregnancy and raising a child.

Her life has completely changed trajectory. She’s looking at poverty, isolation and being cut off from her peers who are all moving on without her.

She will never get this time back.

It’s utterly tragic!

I was going to meet a husband at uni, get married at 24, and have a baby at 28. I had it all mapped out. 😂

Tragic? Oh please get a grip. I had a baby when I was 18 and have done a lot of that stuff. Although, everyone wants different things out of life. I didn't want to go to uni and couldn't imagine anything worse than backpacking round the world so I wouldn't have done those things even if I didn't have a child.

It's absolutely not easy being a young parent but I hate when people make out like it's "tragic" based on what THEY think life should be about. It's not about you.

I would be disappointed too OP. I would smile sweetly and pretend to be happy for her. Hopefully she’ll make the best of things and be happy.

I can’t imagine anything worse than backpacking around the world either, to be fair. But living in Paris…shopping, eating the fabulous food, and going to the glamorous nightclubs? Right up my street. Wouldn’t have been possible if I had a baby in tow…

@Corianm totally agree. I wouldn’t be happy if this was my dd (or Ds).

But the same could be said of lots of things that may happen to us that we haven’t planned. And everything we might have to decline then can be done later. People can still have opportunities when they are a parent, it’s not like she’s a child.

She’s tethered to an absolute loser and has now lost her last year as a teenager to pregnancy and raising a child. Her life has completely changed trajectory. She’s looking at poverty, isolation and being cut off from her peers who are all moving on without her.

I’ll add that she has no secure housing of her own, she’s going to bring up her baby in the worst economic climate for decades, and will embroil herself in the type of family who think it’s acceptable that women are servants to men.

A tragedy? Yes, I fucking well think so.

But no one needs to continue an accidental pregnancy. What is most alarming about this is not the pregnancy itself, but that the OP’s niece isn’t deferring her place, or only delaying, but still actively contemplating, her plans to study and live abroad — the OP specifically says this. And that she’s completely changed her life plans because she got pregnant, presumably accidentally, by someone who doesn’t share her ambition, and is possibly delighted his girlfriend has been ‘brought down to earth’.

Your street maybe, but not everyone is the same. That's the whole point.

Personally I wouldn't want to have kids in my 40s but many people do, I don't say it's "tragic" just because it's not how I'd want to live.

Sounds like OP’s niece had ambitions not dissimilar to mine when I was her age, therefore I can relate. Just cut and paste “Italy” for “Paris”. So it is up the niece’s street, and she is missing out on the opportunity of a lifetime.

You got to live out your dream of not going to uni and having a baby at a young age. I got to live out my dream. OP’s niece is missing out on her dream. That is what everyone is sorry about here, and what OP is mourning for her niece.

It's not for other people to feel sorry for her though, she could have a termination if she wanted to. If she's decided not to she clearly wants the baby. Mourning someone else's fantasy future is weird.

Not everyone feels comfortable about having an abortion, doesn’t mean they are happily pregnant

Well, the choice is available.

I would try to encourage her to still go to university, even if she has to delay for a year. She is putting herself in such a vulnerable position by having a baby without any earning power. It’s got to be terrifying to watch happening with someone you care about.

You don’t get to tell anyone else what to feel, so yes I feel very sorry for the niece because of what her future holds.

I get where you’re coming from, I’d be worried about the influence of her partner too, getting pregnant doesn’t mean you can’t continue studying (maybe not abroad but certainly in the UK).

She can still go to uni though. She will get loads of support why does it haveto be one or other?

My nephew killed himself. I honestly thought that's where this was going. Get a grip. I wish he was here to start a family and fall in love.

@EachandEveryone

what kind of ‘support’ do you think she’d get?

Childcare costs for one

I'm so sorry

@LuckySantangelo35 support from her aunt I assume as her aunt is so utterly distraught that university and Italy might be put on hold for a few years.