Niece chucked her life away - anyone experienced this pain?

[Corianm]

So my half sister has the most wonderful daughter who just turned 19. She is one of the loveliest girls to have ever walked the planet - she’s so kind, sweet, caring and hilarious in the most charming/endearing way. She has a lot of very young half siblings on her dad’s side and gosh the way she interacts with them is just incredible. She is adored by them.

I was always excited to see where her life would take her. My niece always expressed a desire to experience the world e.g. she hoped to live in Italy for a year and learn the language. The world was truly to be her oyster. I’m know I’m very effusive just out of a desire to convey her loveliness. Trust me my family have not been blowing smoke up her behind for the past 19 years. She very much is has her feet on the ground. Never placed on a pedestal or anything like that.

Anyway, niece recently told me she is expecting. Of course I congratulated her and expressed enthusiasm when she told me. But truth be told I am gutted. The father is a nice enough guy but is quite happy living quite an ignorant life. We once had a conversation which involved the bf arguing how boring art galleries are. I’m just heartbroken for my niece, she’s actually interested in the world and wanted to experience it. But she has completely changed her life plans (no uni now) for this boy.

I’ll always be there for her but my heart aches. It’s obviously her life to live. I’m very aware of not being inappropriate re boundaries.

Has anyone else experienced a similar situation?

The dad’s business may just be him! Son is cheap labour

Oh forheavens sake maths anxiety, he is 19 I am not the same person I was at 19 he has time on his side to get his trade and step up.
Why do you keep insisting he got her pregnant, it takes two and by the sounds of it it was consensual, so it's her responsibility too. She wants the baby.
I was 19 when I had my first, I had a good job, I own a house in a nice area, I also live a fairly worry free financial life. Having a full new state pension and occupational pension. It can be done. My daughter got a distinction in her masters, and the directors prize for excellence. She is very senior in her proffesion, she is also a single parent.
My son did not go to uni, he works has two children and a good partner, he is happy, people are too keen to judge.
The OP may be dissapointed for her niece, but she is not her niece, who is happy with her decision. The future is a different thing, it will be hard but she can realise her dream's if she is that clever and she wants too.

@CowTown Of course anyone can be/ have both. I'm merely responding accordingly to OP's posts that conclude that Italy is basically out of question for good and her niece will be trapped at home because of her boyfriend's personalities, background, etc.

With respect, I think you’re missing the point I was making. Yes, technically she could go to university and spend time in Italy and have the job she wants later, as a parent. But it’s going to be a very different experience to if she was doing it now, and a million times harder work.

It’s also going to depend on her either walking away from her child’s father, or hoping that he drastically changes his outlook on life to support her in her dreams which, based on what the OP has said, doesn’t sound likely.

Who knows why that is? I've travelled the world with kids aged young adult to baby. Long haul, vastly different time zones. It's never been a problem or awful. I love sharing it with them and think travel would have been wasted on a younger me. I appreciate it so much more now.

I actually think I was a much better parent young than I would be now at 50. Realistically there are probably pros and cons to both, and I'll concede most 19 year olds probably aren't ready to have children, but it was the making of me and I did a really good job.

Is that misogyny? I thought it was mainstream feminism. I agree with you though.

My feminism says I can choose the path of my own life - and make it even with a baby in tow.

There's a lot of snobby in this thread too. Have to have a house before having children? Plenty of people grow up perfectly well in rentals. Young people today have lower rates of home ownership in general. Some of them will never have kids if having a house owned is the standard before you can have them.

I'm also not writing off the young man, who we've also heard biased reports about. So getting pregnant wasn't their shining moment (both of them). But he is an apprentice, so the low earnings are temporary and he does have a plan. He goes for a drink with the boys each night. At his age, pretty common. Maybe that means he goes for one beer each night after work? He's not a father yet and hasn't had to adapt to any changes that might entail. I'd be willing to give him a chance. His family's attitudes don't necessarily mean they are his and niece doesn't have to bow down to them.

If he had serious feelings about this girl, yes, he had tine on his side and he could have waited until he had something to offer her. But no, he's impetuous. Best to trap her and limit her options so she won't be taken by some Italian bloke.

I don't know what age you are, or what year it was when you were 19 and had your first baby. I'm guessing you're at least 50. You surely realise that the housing market has changed dramatically in the last decade and a half, and if you've been keeping up with the news, you must have noticed that good jobs for people with no qualifications padt secondary school and cast iron pensions are no longer something younger generations can rely on. You may have been extremely lucky that economic conditions were a certain way when you were able to take the chance you took.

Times are different now. The cards are stacked against young people trying to establish their own households, even rented ones. The likelihood of people now in their 20s or even 30s attaining worry free personal finances, owning a home in a nice area, and looking forward to a well funded retirement are over for the vast majority.

This girl is imo putting a brave face on it. If she's as smart as the OP says she is, she knows deep down that she is no longer in the driver's seat in her own life, and the reality of that is going to hurt.

He’s 19 (or their abouts) that’s hardly unusual! He may be a brilliant dad, at least let him try before you write him off!
also, finding art galleries boring doesn’t mean you are ignorant. It’s an opinion. I think they’re boring too, I don’t ‘get’ art and staring at the same painting for 30 mins would bore me rigid. I had 5 kids before I was 26. I also have a doctorate, I’m a professional, I love all kinds of music, I have travelled (with my kids!) to all 5 continents. Calm down.

"If he had serious feelings about this girl, yes, he had tine on his side and he could have waited until he had something to offer her. But no, he's impetuous. Best to trap her and limit her options so she won't be taken by some Italian bloke."

Yes, niece has no responsibility whatsoever. It's all on him.

Reminds me of my MIL who blamed me for all the pregnancies my DH was quite happy to help plan. It takes two and it sounds like the niece's pregnancy wasn't planned by either of them. Like I tell my kids, babies can always happen if you do the deed.

I’m on the fence here.

I think it sounds like you are disappointed in your niece as opposed to disappointed for her. But you know what, that’s ok. You feel how you feel and you can’t help it!

Also, not going to lie, My son is almost 19 and I would be absolutely horrified if he became a dad anytime soon.

That all said, the baby will arrive and you will love it, just like you very clearly love your niece x

There are statistics to indicate life chances are greatly increased by deferring maternity.

We do in fact know that outcomes are negatively affected by the decision to have a baby before achieving qualifications or training.

We never said they must be homeowners before parents. We said they should have a home. DN may or may not have a part-time job—OP doesn’t say. His earnings are under £1000/month (before deductions). You can’t rent in London on that.

It's early days, so hopefully they will be onto it. I doubt they've had time yet.

We were both in university when our first was born. We picked up out baby and moved to another place where housing was more affordable for us.

Not saying it wasn't a harder road in some ways than if we'd waited. Sometimes life just means you work it out.

I thought she was going to prison the way you said threw her life away
yabvu

Mathsanxiety, you are blaming the 19 year old male again, the Aunt says the niece is smart, why did the niece not take responsibility for her contraception?
Maybe it was what she wanted. I think we should accept the choices of this girl.
The bit you wrote about her going of with a Italian bloke is just supposion on your part so I will not comment on it as it may not be true.

I think people should have respect for this clever young woman and let her make her choices. Good luck to her.

Agree.

I haven't read the full thread and it's pretty long but hopefully you will read this op and get reassurance from it.

I was a young mother like your niece. I ended up single as DCs dad died when I was pregnant. I have since gone on to have many experiences and achievements. Being a mum has never held me back and if anything it's driven me to be better and work harder. I have travelled with dc and have built a successful career. I have now married and own a home, i could easily afford on my own, in the most expensive part of my city. I went to university and there were lots of people of all ages and experiences on the course including many parents. It's very normal these days.

I have friends who had children later and did it what people would consider the correct way. I'm not judging because they are wonderful people and it doesn't matter to me but most of them have relied on parents money to buy their homes, while all have fairly good jobs, none have particularly thrived or done anything extraordinary. Most don't go travelling and never have due to finances. Many rely on parents to pay for trips and extras. I'm the most successful and educated one in my group. I'm not boasting I'm just trying to show that it's not the end of her life.

I think it is tragic calling a 19 year old apprentice, who is getting a trade a loser. You do not know him. You do not have to travel to find yourself.
I find the judgements on here pathetic and maybe the people you are decrying would call you a loser. My daughter traveled the world for 16 months my son did not, both have the lives they want and my son is not a loser, he made something of himself after having his son at 21.

Way to go Geekygardener that's my experience too. Some people think traveling and uni makes them superior, it does not, its what most of us do anyway.
Also how do you know this young couple will not make anything of themselves? You dont you are just judgemental and it is not a nice look.
I know who I respect.

Thank you @Jeschara. Same to you, it's amazing to hear about your success.

She called a 19 year old who spends all his earnings at the pub with his mates a loser.

The problem here is that he's still free to refuse to get his shit together, but the girl will still have a baby to deal with.

Definitely! The jobs done by people in trades or that otherwise start out with apprenticeships are very important.

People on this thread seem to talk about people who have children in their thirties as near geriatrics. We mightn't have quite the stamina of a 25 year old but I did dressage and jumping lessons with my children. Yes, I climbed up high slides with them as children. My husband was clambering up the side of a research vessel in Antarctic waters with ropes and travelling on a US Navy icebreaker in his thirties. Our children had the benefit of many experiences impoverished teenage parents can't provide. And by the way I have never seen anybody of any age flying alone with small children on truly long haul trips look like they found it easy - they tend to have a slightly crazed look near the end.

This thread is stirring up strong emotions for me. I was 19 when I had my first. I am now mid-forties and coping with the physical and emotional fallout from a miscarriage (unplanned pregnancy) - so I've had experience being unexpectedly pregnant at both 'extremes' and if there's one thing I've learned is that society can be extremely judgemental of women if they don't stick with the conventional age brackets.
When I got pregnant with my eldest, the most horrible comment I heard was 'what a shame, you were so smart!' - as if I'd somehow died. It was 25 years ago but I don't think attitudes have evolved much. I was looked down upon by those who had ambition, as if I'd somehow betrayed the sisterhood. I was also judged by people like my MiL who expected me to ditch all my dreams and spend the rest of my life barefoot and chained to the sink. None of that happened. I built a career in a very competitive industry and through that career have travelled multiple times around the world. I also went on to have two more DCs. I am not going to sugarcoat reality however. Everything was/still is hard. I have spent the last decades fighting and the sheer amount of discipline and willpower required drove me close to the edge on numerous occasions. It is not impossible though. It very much depends on what OP's niece wants to do.
As for those who argue she won't get the chance to find herself if she becomes a mum- she will find out pretty damn quick. Having a child is the kind of thing that focuses the mind a little more than pointless chats drinking bad wine from a mug. But yes, she will essentially skip the conventional late adolescent path associated with being in your twenties nowadays. It's neither good nor bad and she'll certainly learn new skills no matter what - resilience being one.