Niece chucked her life away - anyone experienced this pain?

[Corianm]

So my half sister has the most wonderful daughter who just turned 19. She is one of the loveliest girls to have ever walked the planet - she’s so kind, sweet, caring and hilarious in the most charming/endearing way. She has a lot of very young half siblings on her dad’s side and gosh the way she interacts with them is just incredible. She is adored by them.

I was always excited to see where her life would take her. My niece always expressed a desire to experience the world e.g. she hoped to live in Italy for a year and learn the language. The world was truly to be her oyster. I’m know I’m very effusive just out of a desire to convey her loveliness. Trust me my family have not been blowing smoke up her behind for the past 19 years. She very much is has her feet on the ground. Never placed on a pedestal or anything like that.

Anyway, niece recently told me she is expecting. Of course I congratulated her and expressed enthusiasm when she told me. But truth be told I am gutted. The father is a nice enough guy but is quite happy living quite an ignorant life. We once had a conversation which involved the bf arguing how boring art galleries are. I’m just heartbroken for my niece, she’s actually interested in the world and wanted to experience it. But she has completely changed her life plans (no uni now) for this boy.

I’ll always be there for her but my heart aches. It’s obviously her life to live. I’m very aware of not being inappropriate re boundaries.

Has anyone else experienced a similar situation?

Good on you for being so supportive. I was on my own at 17. It was super hard to go from 'child' to 'adult' in terms of having to support myself. No transition period. I haven't done this to my children either.

My mother did until I was a teenager. And she supported me in telling me to go. She also provided me with no financial support at all and threw me in the deep end. If I hadn't met my DH, I actually think I'd have had to leave university to work to support myself. Between us, we had enough to make it through together. I never got any childcare or babysitting from my parents either. We are very much self made.

I have treated my children entirely differently and provided much more support.

So many posters assuming that this baby will be born healthy and well, no disabilities, no developmental issues - hopefully it will be, but that's never a given. If there are problems or issues, that also has to be factored into the niece's future plans - not as simple as 'putting the child in daycare' as she resumes her career or whatever. You have to expect all eventualities with a pregnancy. Bringing up a disabled child or one with additional needs is utterly life-changing.

Well you’ve both proved my point. For our generation (I’m 50) it was more usual for parents to abdicate once the child reaches 18. That is certainly not the case now. In my circles people would be horrified if anyone did that. I’m rebutting the “you can live your life after they’ve gone “ narrative - which I don’t think is as true anymore.

Yes, it is. I live that but it was the one I birthed at 30. The one I birthed at 19 has a PhD and is independent now.

Indeed: Her parents don’t think exams are important, and she is joining a family that thinks likewise.

Goodness. No 19y old has the maturity of a 30y old. Nor should they have. Some have ‘grown-up’ quicker than they should due to abusive circumstances. But that means they have experienced dreadful events, not that they have matured properly.

but you and your kids growing up together is actually quite a magical thing.

Seriously??? No child deserves to have to grow up alongside their mum. They deserve better.

Agreed. They deserve maturity, life experience and wisdom.

I’m not sure you quite get it. I was talking to my adult daughter about it today and she feels that she had a wonderful childhood and she loved that her parents were more in touch with her. We really feel like we’ve been through life together. Dd is an adult now and able to tell me honestly what she thinks. She wouldn’t have changed it.

maybe don’t be so dismissive about something you’ve never experienced.

My youngest sister is not loads older than dd1. My mum was in her 40s when she gave birth. My sister would have swapped with my daughter in a heart beat as she always felt my kids got the better childhood. She used to spend a lot of time with us rather than her aging parents. Wisdom isn’t everything. Wise enough is fine with the energy reserves to go with it.

Quite. I think kids benefit much more on balance from a mature parent with life experience than one who can clamber nimbly up a climbing frame with them, lovely though that is.

I am glad she is happy that you grew up together.

@Ohhelpicantthinkofaname so is she planning to be a teenage mum?

Everyone saying that DN will be childfree and able to do everything she wants in her 30s... you can't count on that. What if she meets someone else later, if things (as they likely won't) work out with the babies dad, and they go on to have more kids.

That's what happened to me. I had my eldest young, while I was in my first year of uni, to my ex-husband who I never should have been with. She is now almost grown up, but I am still in the toddler/baby stage as I met my now husband and we wanted kids together.

So i've never got that childfree stage, not as a young adult, nor as people told me I'd get in my 30s. I know this is due to choices I made, and I wouldn't want to be without my daughter, but omg I would never have had children as young as I did if I'd had any life experience to know what effects it would actually have on my life.

I'm in a good career, I make good money, but it's not my passion which I wasn't able to follow due to a shit ex-husband who was the furthest thing from being supportive, and 2 young children. I also carry guilt as to the difference in upbring my children have - as I am able to provide my younger children so much more than the older ones. I am more finacially settled, in a healthy supportive relationship which makes a difference is what I am modeling to the children and the effects it has on their mental health being in a calm healthy environment, able to fund and support them in hobbies and interests, among so many other differences.

I can totally understand why you see it as her throwing her life away, as she has thrown away the life she was going to be able to pursue. I would be so dissapointed if any of my kids had babies before they had finished uni, established careers and had the chance to live their lives just for them - something that still makes me very sad that I never got to do.

Exactly what I was thinking—often when a younger relationship breaks down, new relationships are formed and half-siblings are 4-10 years younger than the firstborn.

No, horses for courses and all that. It wouldn’t be right for her, but it was to me. Everyone’s different. She does hope to have children in her late 20s though we wouldn’t want to be an older parent.

'I have treated my children entirely differently and provided much more support'

So you recognise the importance of support, which it doesn't look like the Op's niece is getting (except from the OP).

“we”?

She is. I think the mumsnet view of what a teenage parent is and the reality for many are quite different things. I know a few teenage mums who would fit the stereotype, but on the whole, most of the ones I know have done well for themselves. Of course the stories where everything worked out fine and the kids were raised well and had a good life isn’t a very exciting tale. So people love to discuss the disasters.

So. Auto correct. I obviously meant she. 🙄

it’s something she’s always been quite adamant about having seen the difference in hers and my sisters childhoods.

I feel some people are being a bit disingenuous here when they say she can still travel and explore the world etc … there are loads and loads of mumsnet threads about how shit holidays holidays are with young kids especially holidays abroad! So different, you can’t do what you wanna do, it’s just parenting in another setting etc etc.

@Ohhelpicantthinkofaname because the statistics show the issues with most teenage parents and they are not pretty

Thanks 😜

Auto correct does give some spicy suggestions sometimes.

What happens if she isn’t with a partner or a suitable partner before she is 30 @Ohhelpicantthinkofaname ?

Sorry if I have missed it but how old were you when you had DC? And why did you have them young?