Niece chucked her life away - anyone experienced this pain?

[Corianm]

So my half sister has the most wonderful daughter who just turned 19. She is one of the loveliest girls to have ever walked the planet - she’s so kind, sweet, caring and hilarious in the most charming/endearing way. She has a lot of very young half siblings on her dad’s side and gosh the way she interacts with them is just incredible. She is adored by them.

I was always excited to see where her life would take her. My niece always expressed a desire to experience the world e.g. she hoped to live in Italy for a year and learn the language. The world was truly to be her oyster. I’m know I’m very effusive just out of a desire to convey her loveliness. Trust me my family have not been blowing smoke up her behind for the past 19 years. She very much is has her feet on the ground. Never placed on a pedestal or anything like that.

Anyway, niece recently told me she is expecting. Of course I congratulated her and expressed enthusiasm when she told me. But truth be told I am gutted. The father is a nice enough guy but is quite happy living quite an ignorant life. We once had a conversation which involved the bf arguing how boring art galleries are. I’m just heartbroken for my niece, she’s actually interested in the world and wanted to experience it. But she has completely changed her life plans (no uni now) for this boy.

I’ll always be there for her but my heart aches. It’s obviously her life to live. I’m very aware of not being inappropriate re boundaries.

Has anyone else experienced a similar situation?

I agree with you OP. I'd be devastated if this was my niece, or any young woman I knew.

However, it's her choice, not yours. You need to be the supportive, non judge mental, aunt and help her in any way you can.

Then she would have to deal with that situation when it arises just like everything else in life, but it wouldn’t be the ideal for her.

I was 19 with my first and 22 with my second. So only just a teenage parent like OPs niece. I had them young as I got pregnant accidentally, but when it happened it felt like the right thing and I’ve never looked back. Having kids young actually gave me direction in life. I’ve probably turned out better because of it. I know it wouldn’t be the case for everyone, but honestly I know a lot of young mums who it’s turned out really well for. People are individuals after all. Having kids young doesn’t always equal disaster and worse outcomes for the kids.

Don’t you think that the statistics are somewhat skewed though? My experience and the experience of most of the younger parents I know are nothing like the horror stories discussed on mumsnet. The teenage mums I know who meet the stereotype would probably have had similar outcomes whether they’d had kids as teens or waited 10 years.

Skewed by what, coming from low income families on sink estates, which is possibly where niece and boyfriend are from.

What are your DD doing @Ohhelpicantthinkofaname at the moment? Did you have support/financial help when you had your DC young?

OPs niece is 19. She may even be 20 by the time baby arrives. It’s not the same thing as a 14 year old getting pregnant. She’s an adult who’s made a choice to keep the baby. Her life will be what she makes it.

skewed because we don’t know whether or not those people as individuals would have achieved more or not if they’d have kids later. So it’s impossible to say whether the issues are down to being a teenage parent or a lack of opportunities for people from lower socioeconomic backgrounds.

As you asked we had no financial support at all. MIL did one day a week of childcare for us for many years, which I’m grateful for but isn’t an unusual amount of support. My own mum had a young dd herself. I’ve supported her more than she has me. Me and DH worked hard and brought our first house when dd1 was under a year old (I know that would be harder now). We then brought a bigger one when dd2 was a few years old.

dd1 has just finished her first year of a 4 year integrated masters degree. Just got back from helping her move out of her first years halls. I’m now a qualified AHP after doing uni as an adult. Still with her dad and have an above average household income. Dd2 has just finished GCSEs and will be starting sixth form in September. All very normal and kind of middle class. Life is what you make it.

So would your DD1 be able to buy a house and financially support a baby if she got pregnant now? and then be able to finance a degree later on in life

@Corianm I feel you because I also went to university and all, but maybe your niece did not mind not going. Otherwise, why on earth would she DTD without protection, and then be happy about being pregnant? Many young girls also dream about living abroad, mostly in Paris, Milan, etc., but in the end they prefer having children and being SAHM. If she doesn't mind, you shouldn't either. Or enable her if you feel strongly about her going to uni. You can provide her with childcare while she study later and do an exchange program.

Buying a house would be harder due to increased prices, but not impossible and we are in a position to help her out in a way our parents weren’t despite them not being particularly young parents. She’s at uni so hasn’t been working full time since she was 17 like I was. So she is in a different position. I don’t think dd1 would keep it if she got pregnant now, but I’d support her whatever decision she made. People are individuals and have to make their own decisions in life.

what I don’t subscribe to is the notion that it is always a disaster to have a baby young. It’s works out well for many.

But in this instance @Ohhelpicantthinkofaname there is no family money to help. Only a young person earning £6ph. That’s not going to pay a mortgage or rent

But why can’t she do both? It’s such a shame. I did my degree, moved to Paris for a year, went back home and got a job, got married, had babies, became a SAHM, and now have a FT career. Why does it have to be Paris/Milan or SAHM?

@Corianm

I know exactly where you're coming from.

There's a lot of privilege talking on this thread.

This young woman is going to need so much more grit and determination than other young women will need to fulfill her dreams.

I'd she's still with this young man in five years' time, I'd say her chances are slim to none of ever doing anything but getting dinner ready by 6 every day.

I've seen it happen to talented women I went to school with and to two young women my kids went to school with. The women I went to school with ended up with men who made it impossible for them to get back on an academic track. They were surly, awful specimens, and all they cared about was themselves. The girls my kids went to school with were both dumped and left with the babies, at 17 and 18. One works as a cashier now, and one has recently managed to complete a course in childcare and get a job in a nursery.

This man does not have her best interests at heart, and hopefully, she'll find that out sooner rather than years doen the road. A hard lesson to learn, and harder to recover from with two or three children in tow than with just one.

I get that. As I say, I’m a believer in life is what you make it. I stand by that. If they want to keep the baby they’ll have to work hard. There is no reason in this day and age to be earning £6 an hour unless he’s doing an apprenticeship, and that is obviously a means to an end and they may need to live with family while he completes this. If it’s not an apprenticeship he’s needs to find a job that pays more. They need to work hard, live frugally and save.

no one said it would be easy for them, but they’re adults who are entitled to make their own decisions about when they have a child. But if you make the choice to have one you need to make it work.

Most teens who embark on parenthood are living some sort of fantasy, the difference between "live in Italy" and "have a baby for boyfriend" being that the baby dream is 100% locked in, irreversible, and the thing the mother will have to work around for the next twenty years.

That's why it tends to be the most profoundly real and significant watershed moment in a young woman's life.

It's not something to shrug off.

I agree with this 100%.

I would have cried unashamedly if any of my DCs had told me they were going to be a parent at 19.

No it's not the same as a thirteen year old getting pregnant but neither is it the same as someone in their early thirties with a degree, an established career, and a home of their own with some experience of life behind them and some financial stability.

Such low expectations of young men there.

As long as he isn't feckless, unemployed, or addicted she's a lucky girl.

Dear lord, no wonder men have such notions about themselves and no wonder girls don't value themselves enough.

And he has demonstrated his ability to plan ahead, act responsibly, and put the welfare of his girlfriend first by getting her pregnant at age 19. Right...

I see nothing to be sanguine about here.

I’d give him a chance to pull his finger out and make it work before I condemn him. We don’t know all the details and whether or not he plans to step up.

I get it. I really do. I was your 19yo niece and I know my big sis felt the same. And 14 years down the line, it’s not a path I would recommend, it’s been tough and I’ve missed out on stuff I thought I may have done (who could ever know if I would have actually done those things 🤷‍♀️). But I have no regrets and my life is far from ruined. My future is brighter than it’s ever been. Life is what you make of it, whatever your circumstances. Your niece has her whole life ahead of her, a portion of which will now include a small person. Be there for her, support her where you can. And don’t let her forget who she is in the haze of being a mum. She will be fine ❤️ xxx

Mathanxiety what shit you write, I never said she was a lucky girl, but she has made her choice. The young man will not always be on £6.00 per hour, he is a apprentice he will have a trade.
You are also disrespectful, my Grandson has ambition and he is a apprentice he has a good life and a lovely girlfriend and ambition for the future. He also got some of the best GCSE results in his year. Going to Uni is not for everyone, open your eyes you fool and realise the world is full of different people.
Also if you are going to quote me get your facts right I support ambition, hard work and I respect them.
I would also ask you not to put words in my mouth I never said she was a lucky girl.

Also just to add, he did not get her pregnant on his own, the niece had a say in it, its a joint responsibility.

He spends all of his disposable income and every evening drinking with his friends. Let’s call a spade a spade - he’s a loser.

Let’s face it. The OP is horrified her niece is pregnant, she’s going to show the boyfriend in the worst possible light as it helps to validate her horror.

we don’t know what will happen as the pregnancy progresses. I hope for the nieces sake he steps up, but even if he doesn’t it’s her choice to make and she will have to live with the decision.

I did not say one word about your grandson.

I absolutely agree that university is not for everyone.

But when someone says look on the bright side, this young man isn't a feckless addict, you're implying that she could do worse, and I disagree with that.

He has got his girlfriend pregnant, despite his low income, despite the fact that he doesn't have a home of his own and neither does she. This shows immaturity and entitlement to use women for the status they bring to his life.

He works for his father - this is not evidence of ambition but rather shows someone opting for the status that comes with being the boss's son, and he has opted to put the cart years and years before the horse by getting this young woman pregnant when he can offer nothing by way of useful support.

The positives you mention are the barest minimum of attainment. They are not elements of this lad's life that bode well for the future of the girl and her baby, and meanwhile the negatives - he spends all his money on lads' nights out and his family culture is one where men take advantage of nice women - are truly awful predictions of a miserable future.