Niece chucked her life away - anyone experienced this pain?

[Corianm]

So my half sister has the most wonderful daughter who just turned 19. She is one of the loveliest girls to have ever walked the planet - she’s so kind, sweet, caring and hilarious in the most charming/endearing way. She has a lot of very young half siblings on her dad’s side and gosh the way she interacts with them is just incredible. She is adored by them.

I was always excited to see where her life would take her. My niece always expressed a desire to experience the world e.g. she hoped to live in Italy for a year and learn the language. The world was truly to be her oyster. I’m know I’m very effusive just out of a desire to convey her loveliness. Trust me my family have not been blowing smoke up her behind for the past 19 years. She very much is has her feet on the ground. Never placed on a pedestal or anything like that.

Anyway, niece recently told me she is expecting. Of course I congratulated her and expressed enthusiasm when she told me. But truth be told I am gutted. The father is a nice enough guy but is quite happy living quite an ignorant life. We once had a conversation which involved the bf arguing how boring art galleries are. I’m just heartbroken for my niece, she’s actually interested in the world and wanted to experience it. But she has completely changed her life plans (no uni now) for this boy.

I’ll always be there for her but my heart aches. It’s obviously her life to live. I’m very aware of not being inappropriate re boundaries.

Has anyone else experienced a similar situation?

I completely sympathise, I'd be gutted if it was my niece, a baby at 19 is not ideal and I've no idea why so many people here disagree with you.

Absolutely incorrect. We are working class. I was the first to go to university so broke the mould in that sense.

Niece has always had interesting ambitions, I was excited FOR HER to realise them.

You’re missing the point.

She can still go to un if she wants to, just not on the same timeline.
She can still travel, just not on the same timeline.
She can still learn Italian (she can start for free on Duolingo tomorrow, in fact).

You’re currently making up a dismally negative fantasy future for her to compete with the idealized fantasy future you had previously made up for her (following in your mould-breaking footsteps to uni, huh?)

The truth is you have no idea what will actually happen. Just let the girl live her own life and support to do so.

It’s the extreme language about “chucking her life away,” as if OP’s niece has become some sort of hopeless wretch straight out of Dickens because she’s a young woman with a functional uterus.

I though she was on drugs and going to prison from the title.

I don’t want to get too personal but there is a line of business my niece said she was interested in getting involved in with the plan of eventually setting up her own business in this area once she became a subject matter expert. For at least 5 years I’ve seen my niece daydreaming aloud about studying a relevant subject at university and then going travelling to see how different countries approach this area of interest.

Sure, it’s possible for this all to still happen with a child but it’s certainly been made more difficult.

Still curious if she seems happy to be pregnant, and if her boyfriend’s family seems to have any negative views about women working outside the home.

Yes, I do know someone like this. Oh wait, that's me. Went on to graduate university a few times with exceptional marks, have travelled, and had a happy life. In spite of all the people like you who were naysayers and thought they knew what I needed and wanted in life.

It's a baby, how wonderful. I guess she may eventually realise she doesn't need negative people in her life.

I have never for one minute felt like my life was over because of children. Poor kids whose parents think having them was the end of their good life. She could even go to Italy and learn the language with the baby and man if, and only if, that's what SHE actually wants.

DFamilyMember had big career plans, but was not suited to higher ed, got a fairly basic job and fathered his first child at 19. He is now married with several kids and stepkids, has picked up training again for his chosen career and is doing very well with it. Things will work out one way or another.

Niece had printed out pictures of famous landmarks of the cities she wanted to live in stuck on her wall. I believe they are still up. She really had a strong plan for her life. I get it things change.

Im sorry if it pisses people off but I am disappointed for her.

Sure, it’s possible for this all to still happen with a child but it’s certainly been made more difficult.

Honestly not that much more difficult, just on a different timeline.

And maybe she was doing all those things while really, deep down knowing she'd rather have her family early?

She can still do those things if she really wants to. Or having a baby might make her grow in ways that she decides she actually wants to go in a different direction. How many of us really know all the options in the world at her age? I didn't.

Are babies banned from visiting all those places or something?

YANBU. Your post will hit a nerve with women who had kids young but I totally agree. She has no idea what's ahead of her, she will be stuck changing nappies when she could have studied and travelled, and built a career. She'll be tied to a man she doesn't know well enough right now for the rest of her life. And she doesn't have the maturity to realise how miserable he could make her.

Sure, it can all turn OK. But most of the time it means a much much harder life for her, sacrificing her dreams and aspirations.

My mum had me at 20 and while she was a great mum and eventually built a successful business, she had to give up all her dreams and her 20s were incredibly hard and lonely. And she was extremely lucky that my dad turned out to be a good guy.

Stop been so dramatic.

She didn’t want to visit, her plan was to live there. But okay for some reason posters are wanting me to be thrilled by niece is pregnant at 19 to a an apprentice who lives with his parents and spends the weekend and evenings at the pub with his immature mates and family members. Despite explicitly articulating a very set of dream and ambitions since she started secondary school.

I said all that. Really I just didn't believe I'd find anyone so should focus on other things. Then someone did come along and I got to live the life I secretly wanted all along. Your niece might be the same, or maybe, given your attitude, she didn't feel she could express those thoughts to you. That's more likely.

I think the main thing OP is how your niece feels about the news. She will have to rethink/reschedule her plans. It is what it is but I do get where you're coming from. If she's that ambitious and focused though maybe she'll find a way to do it all.

Do you really think your post will last with your attitude.

I'm sure babies aren't banned from living in those places either, if that's what they choose for their family.

Do your kids know your life was over as soon as they were born?

Niece had printed out pictures of famous landmarks of the cities she wanted to live in stuck on her wall. I believe they are still up. She really had a strong plan for her life.

Pictures on a wall aren’t a plan, they’re a dream. Your niece clearly did NOT have a strong plan as if she did, she wouldn’t currently be excited about having a baby with a young man you obviously look down your nose at.

I think this is more about you seeing her as some kind of version of yourself and feeling disappointed that she has “forgotten” about a fantasy you can’t let go of.

Niece was excited to share her news with me. I was very shocked but made she felt that I was happy for her.

Okay then that was her dream.

@MyGardenIsAmess actually, having a baby very much does stop her from moving abroad unless the father consents or moves with her. Going by the description of the family, I doubt either will be true.

Fact is, she can no longer make decisions based on what is best for HER. She will have to put her baby first and the dad can put a lot of roadblocks.

Having a baby at 19 makes her young life a hell of a lot harder. It's ridiculous to pretend otherwise.

All of a sudden teen pregnancy is nothing but a blip because I had the audacity to express disappointment