Niece chucked her life away - anyone experienced this pain?

[Corianm]

So my half sister has the most wonderful daughter who just turned 19. She is one of the loveliest girls to have ever walked the planet - she’s so kind, sweet, caring and hilarious in the most charming/endearing way. She has a lot of very young half siblings on her dad’s side and gosh the way she interacts with them is just incredible. She is adored by them.

I was always excited to see where her life would take her. My niece always expressed a desire to experience the world e.g. she hoped to live in Italy for a year and learn the language. The world was truly to be her oyster. I’m know I’m very effusive just out of a desire to convey her loveliness. Trust me my family have not been blowing smoke up her behind for the past 19 years. She very much is has her feet on the ground. Never placed on a pedestal or anything like that.

Anyway, niece recently told me she is expecting. Of course I congratulated her and expressed enthusiasm when she told me. But truth be told I am gutted. The father is a nice enough guy but is quite happy living quite an ignorant life. We once had a conversation which involved the bf arguing how boring art galleries are. I’m just heartbroken for my niece, she’s actually interested in the world and wanted to experience it. But she has completely changed her life plans (no uni now) for this boy.

I’ll always be there for her but my heart aches. It’s obviously her life to live. I’m very aware of not being inappropriate re boundaries.

Has anyone else experienced a similar situation?

I do understand where you are coming from. It’s disappointing for her but hopefully she can do that stuff in her late 30s/early 40s instead

Close family member wasn't much older when she had her oldest child- in MUCH more challenging circumstances. She went on to get a first at University and got a PhD place at Cambridge.

Said child is brilliant and has now had their own child (which makes me feel ancient!).

It sounds like your niece has a lot of family who care about her. That support will help her a great deal in whatever course she decides to follow. Don't panic.

Teen pregnancy applies to mid-teens not 19-year-olds.
Not every young woman wants to ride the cock carousel 'adventures' in strange lands being 'liberated'.
Good on your niece for being sensible enough to find a decent enough sounding guy and having a baby at a time that biologically speaking is ideal.

Your opening post is OTT and dramatic, disaster that fertile young female brings about new life ffs.
It's statements like this that make me think those red pill guys have a point.

I really don’t understand why having a baby at a time which “biologically speaking” ideal should be the main priority here? I said this upthread too. Why is having a baby at a time of marginal physical advantage more important than having a baby when you are in a good position to support the baby properly, financially, psychologically and emotionally?

I find it utterly bizarre that someone would think that having a baby at 19 when you have no life experience and no money is preferable to having one a few years later when you have established yourself a bit.

@Euro24

Also your comment about “riding the cock carousel” is disgusting and says more about you than it does about people who travel after finishing school.

You say you don’t like people implying that people in their 30s are ancient whilst in the same breath stating that you’re superior to those “impoverished teen parents” as you could spend more money raising them.

do you not see the issue with that?

You don’t need lots of money to raise small kids well. Yes they need their basic needs met financially, but beyond that they just need interested and engaged parents. Doesn’t really matter if those parents are 19 or 35. Also I’m not sure people are judging people in their 30s in the same way. When you have kids young you are constantly having to try and prove yourself to the judgmental Middle Aged middle, middle class mothers that look down their nose at you. It’s constant. You’re always having to stand up for yourself.

People are encouraged and praised on here when they have a baby at 48, but if they dare to consider one under 25 (a much better age to have kids) they are irresponsible and ruining their lives. It’s honestly ridiculous. this trend of having babies very late (I’m not taking about people in their 30s) will likely cause a lot of issues in the future. I can see it coming.

Having a baby at 19 is not ideal, but it also doesn’t have to be a disaster.

id say it’s similar to having a baby at 40. It’s not the ideal age, but it will most likely be fine.

I've seen threads criticising women for being selfish and having babies at 48 or so. For very different reasons.

What is 'old' or 'young' is context specific. To me, 30 was old to start in my mind. I had my last baby of a few at 30. When you think about it, a lot of women go through menopause in their 40s, so it is getting up there biologically to wait till mid-30s or so.

Cock carousel? I’ve only been on the cock carousel with one person, yet had DCs in my 30s. What’s the correlation of sex partners and age of motherhood?

People are encouraged and praised on here when they have a baby at 48, but if they dare to consider one under 25 (a much better age to have kids) they are irresponsible and ruining their lives. It’s honestly ridiculous. this trend of having babies very late (I’m not taking about people in their 30s) will likely cause a lot of issues in the future. I can see it coming

We are talking about two different issues though. The reasons for not having a baby late are to do with getting pregnant and birth defects. Women are rightly advised that there are more risks at 40 than there are at 25 when it comes to conception. These reasons are valid and they are widely discussed.

But don’t confuse that with the optimum time to bring up a child. The fact that it’s easier to get pregnant (and that you will have an easier pregnancy) doesn’t mean you will make a stronger or better equipped parent.

I don’t understand why people would think a younger parent, who lacks the maturity, life experience and money you need to raise a child, would be a better parent. It seems very obvious to me that the more experienced, wiser and wealthier parent will, all things being equal, be a better parent.

This is her choice. If you want to change things support her choices, if she wants to do a degree part time fund it

I was older when I had my DD... My ex is long gone. Before I had her, I had a nice job, nice flat, nice car.... Pretty bland. Since he unceremoniously fucked off (and I'm glad for it) it's been fucking hard but it's forced me to make progress. I couldn't fit my old job around childcare so I found something better. I am a better person for having her. There's a good chance your niece will get bored, sack him off and go from strength to strength. It's not all sunshine and rainbows but I am a far better person for having her. And if she doesn't, it doesn't matter as long as she's happy

Stop imposing yourself on her life. This is a guaranteed path for her cutting contact with YOU down the line.

there are a lot of risks associated with having a late baby, from fetal birth defects, to the child possibly having to care for an aging parent at a stage of life when they are not in a position to do so. I also see thread after thread about older new parents, be exhausted, struggling to cope, finding it so hard to adjust to the distribution to their ordered life. You’re less adaptable in your 40s than you are in your late teens or early 20s. There will always be positives and negatives to having kids at any age. Yes the optimum time to have them is probably between 25 and 35, but that’s not how life always works out. I don’t see a 19 year old having a baby as any less ideal than a 42 year old tbh.

I don’t see a 19 year old having a baby as any less ideal than a 42 year old tbh.

Except that most 42 year olds are practically and financially independent, have their careers established, have life experience and most 19 year olds, by virtue of the fact they are 19, don't.

@Ohhelpicantthinkofaname

I also see thread after thread about older new parents, be exhausted, struggling to cope, finding it so hard

Sure but that applies just as much to a young mother. Parenthood is exhausting at any age. A 20 something doesn’t have a superpower that someone in their 40s lacks.

Also a 40 something is more likely to have a good friendship network, a strong sense of who they are and critically more money than a 20 something.

These are far more important than some very marginal advantages in muscle strength or whatever. The supposed benefits of being a young mother are largely mythical in my opinion.

so I've had experience being unexpectedly pregnant at both 'extremes' and if there's one thing I've learned is that society can be extremely judgemental of women if they don't stick with the conventional age brackets.

Seen that with DH family and friends - 19 year old he grew up with who got pg had benefit of fit and healthy active DGP taking huge role in what turned out to be their only grandchild life - his Mum did get into her preferred career just took longer to get there and child graduated oxford recently with a first.

DH cousin got pg at 40 - her Mum's family basically ostracised her - DH related though Dad's- as she was a disgrace being so old and a mother.

I though we were in zone with me at 28 and Dh at 30 and married couple of years but no - partly I think as DH career wasn't settled and partly as due to that we hadn't bought a house yet - we got there before eldest started school.

People put all these rules and expectations on you - I'm not saying 19 year old motherhood is ideal it will be hard - harder than if it was a few years later but it really doesn't have to be the end of the world some posters seem to think.

People are all different some 19 year olds are very well equipped to cope with a baby. Some 42 year olds are not. People are also quite short sighted. Yes you may be fit and active at 42, but by 52 you may well not be. A lot of health issues start to creep in. Am I saying this is the case for everyone? No of course not. But I see either end as less than ideal, which you see as the preferable less than ideal, if that makes sense, probably depends on your own experiences. For me, myself, with my experiences of me being a young parent and my own mother being an older parent I would choose young every time. But that’s just what my own experiences have taught me. Your experiences may have led you to feel differently.

anyway. The OPs niece getting pregnant at 19 isn’t the end of the world. That’s all I’m trying to say at the end of the day.

I don't know. At 20 I could stay up all night looking after a baby for nights on end and not miss a beat or feel tired. I think I'd fall apart now. I just can't cope with lack of sleep easily anymore. Kind of feels like a super power to be able to get away with that now. 😄

I agree with this. Those that have only had kids older will never understand the difference.

dd2 literally didn’t sleep for 3.5 years. At 22 I was fine, like completely fine with it. Now at nearly 40 I don’t think I’d get through it with my mental and physical health intact. Lack of sleep affects me so much more now! I’m also a fit, active, healthy, youthful almost 40, with no health conditions. I don’t feel old and haggard in any way shape or form. But I’d be kidding myself if I thought I could cope with the sleepless nights like I did when I was late teens/early 20s. It’s laughable to think I could. So I think having a sleepless baby now would have a huge affect, particularly on my mental health in a way it didn’t when I was young. Kids need a mentally stable parent. I’m glad I had them young.

@MyGardenIsAmess

I don't know. At 20 I could stay up all night looking after a baby for nights on end and not miss a beat or feel tired.

Hmm maybe. I just don’t buy the argument that this somehow makes it easier. Having a newborn is brutal for anyone. But people trot out this “you have more energy when you’re younger” as if that means you can overcome anything. I just don’t think this is a big enough factor to outweigh the massive downsides of encumbering yourself with a child when you have no way of making your own money and are completely at the mercy of the bloke you are with. Ultimately money is more important than stamina for a child’s future.

Yeah it could be alright and you could have more energy but you’re still playing Russian Roulette in terms of your ability to provide for yourself and the child aren’t you? Some marginal additional strength benefits don’t make this a worthwhile trade off for me.

That's where I would disagree. I never found having a baby brutal. I loved it and found it quite easy. Whether that's because I was younger or whether it's because motherhood is just something that came easier to me than to some others, I don't know.

I partially agree with you op. She's very young. Having children is 95% drudgery. She's got two decades of that stretched out in front of her now...the best years of her life now to be spent on raising a child. Yes lots of young parents can still achieve plenty but it's an uphill struggle. That amazing sense of freedom gone

I never found having a new born brutal. It’s was pretty easy really. I was never overwhelmed by it, never struggled with the lack of sleep despite dd2 never sleeping. It’s was fine and pretty enjoyable tbh.

there have been harder parenting stages since, but that’s to be expected for everyone. On the whole, being a young parent has been a great experience. I know it doesn’t work out so well for everyone out there, but people are individuals, the have their own circumstances and capacities. Having a baby in your late teens or early 20s is not the end of the world!

If you choose to have children, shouldn’t you want to give them the best years of your life, rather than what’s left later on? Just a thought. I mean you don’t have to have them.