Can someone explain married people’s surnames?

[henpp]

If you marry, do both people have to have the same surname? Do you have to decide on which to have together? Could one of you double barrel and the other not?

Excellent, most gracious, @godmum56

My surname was mine from the minute I could say it, and will be mine until I die.

As is and will be the case for DH and his surname.

I didn't say I didn't see it that isn't what I said I mean we all have our own interpretation and that's fine maybe I.am inferior to your ideals are correct who knows eh!.

@godmum56 Why is not feminist claim something you’ve had all your life? Yes a name was passed down via the paternal previously by why is it unfeminis to start passing it down the maternal line? Just because my father’s name matches mine it’s unfeminist for me to keep using it? Or are you saying the only true feminist act is for people to completely rename themselves at maturity?

I'm am defending my argument, just as you are, I'm not taking it personally. I do object to implications that all women have been forced into the decision from some posters (but that was not specifically you). Some may have been coerced but the vast majority who change their name do so because they what to. Same as most wear a white wedding dress as that is traditional. Equality to me is the right to choose, not the need to conform to what men do.

I have no view on what is feminist or non feminist about choice of second name. All I was saying was that I didn't get why some feminists made a fuss about women adopting the name of their husband because it was a man's name but had no problem keeping their birth last name which is also a man's name.

!!! Because it isn’t “a man’s last name” it is her name from birth and for 30 years

Some women do seem very annoyed and agitated that most women choose to take their husband's surname on marriage, They act like they're 'letting the down,' and 'not being enough of a feminist.' 🙄

You know what, feminism is about women HAVING A CHOICE in what they do. And many women CHOOSE to take their husband's surname. Why do they? For many reasons. Whatever the reasons, it has nothing to do with anyone else!

And the (small minority) of women who kept their surname on marriage, are not superior to the women who changed it to their husband's, so stop acting like your choice is better/more valid. It's tedious!

You do you and leave other women in peace, and stop poking at them because they don't sing to your tune!

but it came from her father, a man, not from her mother.

And it becomes hers the moment she is named. Her father no more owns it than she does.

Incidentally who's surname do I have?
When I was born I was given "my father's" name.
Never married or changed my name.

When my DS1 was old enough he changed his surname to one we had made up.

When DS2 was old enough he also changed his to match. So i changed mine as well.
Who's name is it? It's not my Father's or Husbands. Maybe its my sons?

IMO it's mine. But so was my previous one regardless of where it came from.

@godmum56 But you agree that a woman’s name is her own? I know it sound silly but when I told people I was keeping my own name once I got married had several people say “It’s not your name it’s you fathers name” implying that I had no right to say it belonged to me. It’s surprising how many people feel ok to look a woman in the eye and say I don’t have my own name! And it’s quite a common refrain I still hear. But I don’t think you’re saying that. I think you’re saying that the lineage of a family name is still inherently patriarchal that to continue to use it isn’t the great feminist step it appears? Is that right?

How can the man's surname always be nicer/easier to spell/easier to pronounce? It makes no sense. Surnames are gender-neutral. If they weren't, we wouldn't be having this conversation - men would have their father's surnames and women's would have their mother's.

They aren't. Its just that it appears you need to justify changing your name.
The real reason is just they wanted to. Which some people seem to have a problem with, so people get defensive.

@godmum56 you don’t know actually. Brewster, IIRC, came from female brewers. You have no idea whether, somewhere in your family tree, a mother passed on her birth surname to her son.

But I think you are here as devils advocate so I will leave it there.

My husband was the last in his family so his family name would die with him. So I took his name and we gave it to our children too. My maiden name was horrible anyway, I didn't feel I was losing much

No I don’t have any brothers, but if my male cousin chose to change his surname, it would be none of my business, just as me changing my surname is no-one else’s business, because it was my choice. No-one forced me to change it, I just took the opportunity to use a different name because I wanted to. I don’t see why this gives anyone the right to attack me on here?

@FeelingHotHotHotFeelingHotHotHot

"You know what, feminism is about women HAVING A CHOICE in what they do. And many women CHOOSE to take their husband's surname"

Feminism isn't just about having choices. It's about trying to understand why we make the choices we do. And if men routinely chose to take their wife's name, or if women could keep their own names on marriage without any comment or raised eyebrows, then it would just be about preference. But, sadly, it isn't!

My colleague recently had the same realisation as you and changed her name back to her original surname. She'd been married about 7 years and had two kids who I believe are keeping their father's name. It's not been a big issue at all and now I can barely remember what her married name was.

Wish I had of double barrelled. We're now separated and the only thing stopping me going back to my maiden name is that I don't want to have a different surname to my kids.

There is no law in the UK saying a woman takes her husband's name (or vice-versa), it was custom and practice. If you choose not to change your name that's up to you and if you do change it, or have a double-barrelled surname you will have to pay for new passports if you want them in that name etc. It used to be that the Passport Office made strenuous efforts to change women's passports when they married, to show they were married, as hotels in some countries/places would not allow unmarried couples to share a room, so it was to prove the couple were married. No-one cares, now.

It is a man's last name it's a father's last name it will always be a man's name. Unless women start surnaming themselves their names will be descendant male name. It doesn't matter how many exclamation marks you use or how passionately you argue about it your family surname belongs to men.

Look up the origins of the name Brewster. And then… don’t bother engaging with me again.

Don't try and impart facts. It won't go down well.

My name belongs to me. My male relatives. And my female relatives.

My Auntie (never married, never changed her name) has had it longer than my dad. (He's the younger sibling)
Why is it his and not hers?

I took my husbands surname because if we’d double barrelled them it would’ve sounded like a TV show (think Dalziel & Pascoe) and people would’ve commented endlessly and I just couldn’t face it, he wanted to keep his and as it’s traditional I took his, I’m not bothered really.

Do these men with all the nice, easy to spell names have married sisters?

Did their husbands all rush to adopt their lovely names on marriage?

And did the brothers of the women with all the horrible, difficult to spell names happily give them up and take their wives' names on marriage?

Somehow I doubt it.