Can someone explain married people’s surnames?

[henpp]

If you marry, do both people have to have the same surname? Do you have to decide on which to have together? Could one of you double barrel and the other not?

My maiden name was always spelt wrong, mispronounced and was of a particular geographical area. I took DH name as it's easily understood, easier to spell and is understood abroad as well as here. I would have been happy to keep my maiden name in concept but changing it was more of a convenience to me. DH couldn't care less either way. It's odd how many people on here care though.

Did your brothers (or cousins or uncles… any male family members with the ridiculous sore thumb surname) change their surname to their partner’s on marriage?

Traditionally, a woman married a man and took his surname.

Now, you can do whatever you like! Marry a man, marry a woman, civil ceremony, take their name, keep your name, both double- barrel, one double-barrel, be Mrs, Ms, Miss.

It’s because it isn’t yet a level playing field

The default is still ‘woman changed her name’

And women meet significant opposition if they veer from that. New DH objects, his family refuse to use her name, more so if she wants the children to have her name or both names. We see this all the time on MN

Women change their names to avoid a hard to spell or pronounce name, or because it illicits a snigger. Men never seem to do this. Did any of your male relatives change their name to lose your birth surname?

Of course people do what they like, but It’s a discussion point.

No you don't have to have the same surname you can call yourself whatever you want. I have Dhs surname I wanted the same surname as my child. My dd has a double barrelled married name.

When I married, I double barrelled, my husband did not, but I ended up with a ridiculously long surname which everyone cut down too my husband's surname and I hated it, as I just didn't feel like Mrs Husband Name, so after a few years I changed my name by deed poll back to my surname and feel a whole lot happier, so do what ever makes you happy.

literally this... it's not that deep

God, why do so many women on here always have to jump on those who take their husband’s surname? I’m not antiquated or promoting old fashioned sexism. I just never liked my original surname - it was clunky and I constantly had to repeat the spelling. Used to get people telling me I was pronouncing or spelling my own name wrong because it was just weird. I took DH’s surname when we got married purely because it’s a lovely name and flows very well with my first name.

I kept my surname but added my husbands on to the end so I have a part of my name that the children also have. I also have my maiden name as I wasn't happy to just erase a part of my name that's always been there. I don't have a middle name though, so I actually quite like having three parts to my name now, as it always felt "too short" before! The kids both have middle names, so didn't give them both parts of the surname too, as it would have felt too long. It's definitely easier for travel having the same name in there somewhere, before marriage I was quizzed quite alot when travelling abroad without the kids dad, as we didn't have the same surname, and this was the main reason I added his to mine after marriage. We travel alot as a family and separately, and it just makes it easier not having to take birth certificates and permission letters from Dh, which I was asked to show before marriage.

In the past the wam would take her husband's surname. Many women still do but these days you can do whatever you want!

Do you have brothers or male relatives - did they change their surname on marriage as it was clunky and difficult to spell?

As pps have said, do what you want.
Many of my friends who married men took the man's surname. One couple chose a new surname as neither of them liked the ones they had. Among my friends that married women, two couples double-barrelled, one used just one surname. Male friends that married men kept their surnames.
I use both surnames with mine first (not hyphenated), a few friends of mine didn't change their names at all.

Surnames are the names that come after their Christian names.

Keep your surname, change it, Double Barrel it, he can take your surname, do whatever you want. I took my husbands surname because I hated my maiden name.

Really what does it matter what her "brothers" think she made a choice to use her husbands. some of us come with paternal surnames not changing your name isn't going to cancel that out.

I took DH's surname because it's sounds really beautiful with my first name (more than than my previous surname). I love it. It just sounds... right.
I also wanted us to have a family name - not me or having a DH having a different name to the kids.
I had no interest any double-barrelling as DH's surname is already two names. I didn't want a clunky three name surname. Also it would have sounded ridiculous.
So I agree. If a woman does want to change her name it's really no one else's business! As long as she hasn't been forced into it by a sexist husband, I really don't see the problem. Names are very personal and part of your identity. There shouldn't be judgemental comments and finger pointing.

It is the patriarchy still at work, undoubtedly and however much people like to say it’s “free choice”, it isn’t when women see it as the better, most desirable option to adopt their husband’s name and to call themselves “Mrs”, stating their marital status when no such thing exists or is expected of men. If you believe in equality, this isn’t it.

I got married 28 years ago and didn't change my name, we have two different surnames and it's never caused any fuss or bother.

You can do what you choose.
I hated my (emotionally abusive) parents and where I was born, so I chose my husband's surname for this reason (to erase the past
I didn't vote for, so to speak).
No, seriously, why should I keep my bastard father's surname?

I think there is more to deal with in the patriarchy than calling your self Mrs chocochick but that's your choice isn't it ?

It's not a trope!

I hated my own (father's) name so I took my DH's. Quite happy with it

Unless I'd come up with a new one altogether it was still following the patriarchy!

It's definitely easier for travel having the same name in there somewhere, before marriage I was quizzed quite alot when travelling abroad without the kids dad, as we didn't have the same surname, and this was the main reason I added his to mine after marriage. We travel alot as a family and separately, and it just makes it easier not having to take birth certificates and permission letters from Dh, which I was asked to show before marriage

That’s not true. You are still legally required to have the express permission from all parents with PR if you are taking a child out of the country, unless you have a court order.
I have never been asked for confirmation that DH has consented despite having a different surname to my children. The fact remains that I could be asked at any time and so it is best to be prepared

This is what stopped me from doing it. It would eventually get so ridiculously long!

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