Can someone explain married people’s surnames?

[henpp]

If you marry, do both people have to have the same surname? Do you have to decide on which to have together? Could one of you double barrel and the other not?

Before we married, my h did ask to change to my name and I found that so ridiculous. He already had a name.

And (this will be very offensive to some), I would have lost some respect for someone who gave up their identity to mine.

It would have made me feel in charge, that I was the owner and that in some way they were inferior to me. I think a massive amount of husbands feel this too (even if just subconsciously) but the difference is they like it. Hence patriarchy.

You know what, feminism is about women HAVING A CHOICE in what they do. And many women CHOOSE to take their husband's surname. Why do they? For many reasons. Whatever the reasons, it has nothing to do with anyone else!

No, feminism is not about anything so banal as 'choice'. It is about the context in which those 'choices' are made.

If it's all about 'choice', how is it that the majority of women 'choose' to take their husband's name?

Yet virtually no men 'choose' to take their wife's name?

After all, just as many men have those ugly, difficult to spell, unpronounceable names women here are inflicted with.

And just as many women will have those lovely, easy to spell, poetic sounding names they're so eager to change to on marriage.

This isn't about anything so simplistic as 'choice'. If it were, equal numbers of men would be changing their names on marriage, but in reality, almost none of them do. And the reason is very obvious, as @NaughtyBoyGeorgeMichaelJacksonBrown has suggested above. They don't want to be humiliated by giving up their own identity in favour of a woman. Many women, however, seem to be quite happy to do just that for a man. So the 'choice' is made in a very specific context, and not one favourable to women.

Totally this!

I knew I wanted children and I also wanted the same name as my children. I have a few brothers (who would carry our name on) and my husband was the only boy.

I took his name. I don’t like double barrelled names.

Everyone can do as they wish but we do have to remember it will take many generations to change attitudes so many will assume husband wife have the same name and parents share a name with their children. So if you choose to keep your name, only you double barrel and not your husband or you have a different name to your children, you or they will be called a different name depending on who knows whose name first ie being called Mrs Husbands name or Mr Wife’s name.

Not if parent and child have same surname.

I knew I wanted children and I also wanted the same name as my children. I have a few brothers (who would carry our name on) and my husband was the only boy.

But what if your brothers married women with names which were so much nicer, and easier to spell? Wouldn't they be eager to take those names, just as so many posters here are?

And what if your husband's sisters married men who wanted to take their name, just as you did?

There isn't actually any biological reason why men get to 'carry on' their name, and women don't.

Yes, you do.

someone I travelled with recently thought this and was stopped at the airport. It was a nightmare. They had to try and get hold of the child’s dad at work. The group I travel with now insist all parents have a letter from non travelling parents, regardless less of name.

think about it. Same surname doesn’t always mean parent/child. It could be grandparent, uncle, cousin.

if you are travelling on your own with a child you need written permission from anyone else with PR, regardless of name. You can also be asked to prove your relationship-very often this is just asking the child but you may need a bc.

see here: https://www.gov.uk/permission-take-child-abroad For everyone, not just if you have a different name.

This is a you do you situation. I double barrelled mine because I run my own company, but have been working in my field for over 20 years and wanted ex clients to still be able to Google and find me to transfer their business if they were looking to do so. But I also wanted to acknowledge my husbands name.

Also, his name is constantly misinterpreted for something else so at least they get half my surname right this way!!

At the time mum thought this approach was quite offensive to my husband which tickled me!

I think as long as you’ve both discussed it and are happy with the conclusion it’s really nobody else’s business.

But I also wanted to acknowledge my husbands name.

How has he acknowledged yours?

My mother, my daughters and I all have my mum's maiden name. It's a good one.

I wouldn't dream of telling other women what they should do but I would be very happy if more men adopted their wives' names, as they expect women to do all the bloody time. Only when that happens can we consider it a truly free choice.

I once heard of an asylum-seeker called 'A (typically muslim first name) Phillips' - he had married an Englishwoman and took on her surname in order to appear keen to be integrating... lol!

That's so interesting, can you not just revert to your maiden name (for want of a better word) without all that faff? I thought it was interchangable, sometimes I use my mams name because it's easier for SEN kids to pronounce

Edit I obviously know on legal documents it's not that simple

Do what you want. My husband has been through a lot and had his name dragged through mud and has come out the other side. I've taken that name because I wanted to show him I am proud of him, as a vote of confidence in him and in us.

We also want children- and I want us all to have the same name in this instance. My maiden name is also my dads surname and he comes from a massively male family. So I won't be missed and didn't feel any obligation to keep it. If my husband had wanted to take mine, I would have said OK.

I don’t get this attachment to a name. I took my husbands name. Not really attached to my maiden name and anyway my brothers kids are carrying on that name for another generation.

I think being stopped at the border with my DD when she was little (and had a different surname to me - she should have had my surname in hindsight but I was young and naive and gave her her biological fathers last name) meant I was more inclined to have the same name as my subsequent kids (and also now oldest DD who has changed hers by deed poll).

I've read that in Germany, a quadruple barrelled name isn't allowed, but not sure about here. I guess you might have to choose one or the other or perhaps merge them to make them a bit shorter, a bit like celebrity couple names 😂 like when Graham Norton asked Emily Blunt and her husband (cant remember his name, but I think he's a director) what their couple name was, like Brangelina, and she said 'Krunt'.
So Smith-Jones and Morgan-Hoskins could merge to Smines-Morkins. Sorry, being a bit silly here 😅
I guess they could keep their own names or choose new ones. I was told at the registry office that I could choose any surname that I liked, even if it wasn't a name already in my ancestry, as long as it wasn't anything offensive.
xx

I don’t get this attachment to a name. I took my husbands name. Not really attached to my maiden name and anyway my brothers kids are carrying on that name for another generation.

Do you also not get why your brother is attached to his name?

Or is that different?

I don’t know if my brother is attached to his surname. It’s never really come up in conversation to be honest.

I mean I suspect he’s probably passed down his name because it’s the done thing, I doubt he’s thought much past that and his wife seems to be happy with the arrangement.

Im not saying either way is right or wrong. I just don’t really get those who vehemently argue it’s their name and they’re keeping it, ie the strong attachment to a specific noise someone makes to get your attention which is all it basically is.

I did not change my name, H considered changing his to mine (he prefers mine) but didn't. Our DDs have my surname with his surname as an extra middle name (not double barrelled)

Im not saying either way is right or wrong. I just don’t really get those who vehemently argue it’s their name and they’re keeping it

That would be the vast majority of men.

And what do you mean 'argue' that it's their name? It is their name.

ie the strong attachment to a specific noise someone makes to get your attention which is all it basically is.

Again though, if that's all it were, then we'd never have the tradition of women giving up their family lineage to take on a man's, but almost never the other way round. And men with all those nasty, difficult to spell names would be as eager to give them up as their sisters are.

But they don't, because names have symbolic and legal significance. They're not just 'noise'.

My partner's father took his mother's surname when they got married, and so did the uncle who married his aunt. So both sisters kept their names and gave them to their children.
Our children have double barrel surnames of his and mine.

Sorry, couldn't find an option to 'delete' my post 🗑️ so reported it instead 😅

I kept my own name after marriage. Didn't occur to me to do otherwise. I gave my three children my surname. My grandkids have their mothers' name hypenated to our family surname.

3 little dots on the top right, give you the chance to 'EDIT' your post. You can click that, and delete what you need to, and then just put 'deleted' in there instead.

You do need to do it within 5 minutes though.

I had to do the Deed Poll thing as I wanted to change name on bank account, driving license and passport and had to send the paperwork off to them to change it.

I wanted to keep my own surname, DH wanted me to take his. I don’t feel part of his family, they aren’t pleasant people and we don’t really have a relationship. DH is very much part of my side of the family, he fits in like he’s always been there so I would like my family name to sort of represent our marriage and unity. I therefore went double barrelled as a compromise. He doesn’t want to but it’s his choice. Our children have his name simply because we gave DD two middle names and thought five names would be too much for a small child, DS followed on. I hope one day when they’re old enough they would like to incorporate my family name.