Can someone explain married people’s surnames?

[henpp]

If you marry, do both people have to have the same surname? Do you have to decide on which to have together? Could one of you double barrel and the other not?

No. It was your name for (let's say 30) years until you got married. For your whole life you were Jane Smith.

and even if you do think like that, why would you want to change your surname to be the same as FIL's? because surely your husband doesn't own his name either, by that logic.

My son has my name. So if he gets married and they decide to use his surname, does that mean it's actually his grandfather's name? It never gets to be my name?

My name is the one I was given at birth - yes it's the name from the paternal side of my family, because that's how things were almost always done in the 70s. It's still my name.

This one.

No they didn't as it didn't bother them, it's not about sex but about how we individually feel. It was an inconvenience to me (partly due to a business I ran and also the fact I have to travel more) so I changed mine, it didn't bother them so they didn't. I don't like the fact that this thread is full of people thinking women who change their name have been railroaded into it by family or tradition. I wanted to do it so I did. If I didn't want to I wouldn't have and wouldn't care what the rest of the family or anyone else thought. I applaud the fact I can choose myself but I dislike the fact people feel I have to justify it or it's implied I'm lying about my reasons.

Because choice doesn't happen in a vacuum. There are societal and family pressures brought to bear on some women. Do they think differently or are some coerced and think they have no option?

It's not a free choice in many cases.

Exactly this.

I don't understand why some people can't see this.

Internalised misogyny that they aren't even aware of.

Sorry I misunderstood your post that's all .

I understand what you are saying but I do think berating women for being Mrs husband is a bit myoginistic in itself because it's implying women are surrendering to husbands.

I was born in 1960s and grew up in a very traditional English suburb. All married women took their husbands surname and their children had that family surname. The only children (and there were only a very few), who had their mother's surname were those born out of wedlock. As my uncle put it 'the poor lass couldn't even get the chap to do the decent thing and give the child his surname'. At least one relative gave birth to her son in a Mother and baby home with view to the child being adopted within the wider family. Instead the relative met a bloke who was prepared to take her and the baby and so she got to keep it. Today it is different women can chose to take the husband 's name or not. In my professional working days there were an increasing number of women who were Ms X professionally, but quite happy to be Mrs Y in social settings.

yup...either waythe name comes through the paternal line

The problem with changing your name is what are you gonna do if you get divorced? Spend the rest of your life with your shitty ex's name? Change your name AGAIN?

You're born with a surname and you've lived your whole life with it up to now. No need to do anything at all.

Mine came from a terrible man then it was changed to another aggressive man's name I was quite glad I changed it to my husbands name. I was unmarried when I had my Dd but she still had her registered in her dad's name .

At what point are women allowed to call their names their own, then?

This is so interesting to me because I'm getting married next year and don't want to change mine, and have been surprised to find myself not just in the minority but in a category of one!

I've been to loads of friends' weddings in the past 3 years and I can't think of a single woman who hasn't changed it in some capacity - 80% have changed completely to their husband's name and 20% have double barreled with their husband's name. It's making me wonder whether my social circle is much more traditional than I had realised.

I'm regretting changing my name 35 years ago. We're still married, but it still feels like his name, his family. My dad has died and I wish I had his name.

I'm seriously considering reverting.

I am not accusing you individually of lying , or that you have been railroaded into changing your name.

You don't need to take it personally.

Can you really say that it is a level playing field and that there is no pressure of 'tradition' on women as a whole? Are you saying that the many women on MN who have said their DH's objected to them keeping their names, his family refuse to acknowledge her name etc, are lying?

And do you not acknowledge that more women seem to change their name because they don't like their birth name, than men, who more often keep theirs and furthermore expect their DW to adopt it? Again, it is a very common post on MN.

Including on this thread.

It's a patriarchal tradition.

Individuals can do what they like, you don't need to justify anything, it's your free choice but until there is no expectation on women one way or the other, it will stay a patriarchal decision. And those of us who point this out shouldn't be expected not to point it out, or discuss it, because people who made their own choice feel defensive.

Bingo!

I am fully confident that my great grandchildren will have 8 surnames.

Or not.

It's possible that their parents will follow their own parents' lead and do whatever they like, irrespective of tradition.

@Mrsjayy What's misogynistic is the norm that it is the woman who changes her name by tradition as she is “given away” (another patriarchal part of the ceremony) to her husband (male) by her father (male). If you don’t see it, it is because you have been indoctrinated to believe this is normal and desirable. I can understand your personal issue with your father’s surname but how about your mother’s? You could have taken hers if you wanted too since it’s all about free choice.

@BoudiccaOfSuburbia Exactly! It isn’t a level
playing field when still to this day 80% of women “choose” to take their husband’s name and men overall still refuse to do the same. In my country (South American so not part of the first world, according to questionable Western standards), women have not taken their husband’s last names for decades. It would be completely frowned upon to do so and seen as a massive step backwards in terms of gender equality. Why a supposedly “advance” country like the U.K. still follows this tradition which puts women as an appendix of their husbands is beyond me.

Literally choose whatever name you want and for that matter you don't even have to get married to do it.

(But getting all the documents changed is a pain in the arse and £££ so choose wisely lol)

I use my married name for work, and on anything official, but am socially known by my maiden name. It wasn’t planned, but helps me keep my private life away from school.

My son and his wife use both surnames for both them, and the children. Not hyphenated though.

DT’s have a double barrelled surname (DH and my surnames). Both parts of the surname are long, non English and complicated to spell to an English speaker. Both are proud of their surname representing both sides of the family. In the future it is totally up to them what they do.

Passport office doesn't require a deed poll for men on production of a marriage cert

Things are going down from the 80% (2023, admittedly this is a survey by a jeweller..) Note the expectations from the men surveyed.

https://www.fhinds.co.uk/blog/How-likely-are-you-take-your-partner-s-last-name-after-marriage

Our survey also highlighted that women are still far more likely to take their partner's last name in comparison to men; with more than half (55%) admitting they would do so, compared to only one in six (15%) men.

The results of our survey also highlighted that a third of UK adults (33%) say they would expect their other half to adopt their surname once married. And when digging into the survey findings further, we learnt that this was the case for more than half of (53%) of men, compared to less than a fifth (17%) of women.

For one in seven (13%), however, a double-barrelled surname is the way forward, and for one in 25 (4%), an amalgamation of both partner's names was the route they’d choose to go down.

Any time they choose to of course