To ask if its fair that inclusivity has excluded my DC from their hobby?

[DImplesandCheese]

TLDR: ND child is causing my DC to quit much loved hobby as ND child's behaviour is ruining it for them.

Full Story: DC (13) attended a hobby/club and has done for years. 2 years ago a new child joined. The child is ND and their particular behaviours include shouting out, not listening, inappropriate use of kit and refusal to fully participate in activities. DC has complained on and off since this child joined that it is spoiling it. I have encouraged DC to be understanding and supportive, I have spoken with the staff at the club to ask if more support for this child can be put in place. Nothing has changed.

Part of the club involves some unsupervised time and this is DC's favourite part of the club. The last two unsupervised sessions have been completely ruined by this child's behaviour, the group have had to call staff for help to sort it out and therefore their final result for the session has been effected. 2 months ago after the last ones of these sessions I spoke with staff and asked why this child doesn't have a 1 to 1 support/parent staying with them as this is hugely effecting everyone else's enjoyment and I was told that my DC is exaggerating and 'fixating' on this child.

DC came home last night as said he's quitting. This child has wrecked the night's activity again. I spoke to the staff and was told that they 'are an inclusive club and they pride themselves in being open to all' and hinted that DC leaving may well be for the best if he's not happy.

I have 2 ND DC, I get the difficulties, I get that they should have access to clubs and activities, I get that allowances need to be made for their behaviour. I am in no way suggesting the child should be kicked out but surely if you have children leaving because of another child then the support in place for that child isn't right?

AIBU to think that more should be done to support this child correctly so DC can continue to enjoy their hobby and that my DC having to leave is not an acceptable situation?

Is it Scouts? Sounds very like a boy in my son's troop. Do you have an Explorer Scouts near you? They can take kids from 13yr 6 months. I'd be looking for an alternative for your son.

And I don’t expect you’ll be able to get the people running the club to change anything. Saying your DC is “fixated” and suggesting it might be good if your DC moves on sounds like your DC is making them deal with a problem that they really don’t want to tackle. Your DC leaving lets them ignore the problem a bit easier.

It’s like having able-bodied football with one kid in a wheelchair in goal: not fair to anyone.

We had exactly this sort of situation when I was in brownies nearly 40 years ago. I left...

Scouts? Sorry if so, but this is volunteer run and they make a point of being inclusive. Can you volunteer as well? Extra bodies might help.

Bit ableist, no?

YANBU, and that's a shame for your son. If it's no longer enjoyable for him, I'd support his decision and try to find something else he can do, if finding another group for the same hobby isn't practical.

I'd try to take a positive approach: This is an opportunity for him to find or develop a new interest. It's always good to have more than one hobby to keep things fresh!

Teach ds to work around things rather than getting annoyed when they don't go as planned. So you give the example of scavenger hunt. Why doesn't the team partner the dc with another person then if dc doesn't want to carry on the partner does. There's always a work around

They live with ND siblings so are well aware of understanding and accommodations for people with different needs.

Considering this ^ and this is probablyone of the few things your DC does for themselves, this makes this doubly out of order.

Speak to the satff and ask for the child to be put in a different team. At least if it distruption is shared amongst the club, it might be a bit more tolerable.

Is this scouts? My DC left their Cub group because there were 3 disruptive kids in their group that just made it a frustrating experience.

The club needs to be inclusive if they say they are an inclusive club. They can't just kick out a child for displaying ND behaviours unless it is unsafe for them to be there, so this isn't going to be an option. They aren't supporting the ND child adequately enough, so it minimalises the impact on the other kids. Sadly people say they are inclusive without really understanding what that means or entails and what is a reasonable adjustment. People have very poor understanding of ND, and underestimate peoples struggles and the support they need.

Bit baffled why you are blaming the child though (it does read that you are more annoyed with the child than the club to me) when they probably can't do much about their behaviour. From what you've described it isn't mild ND if they are stimming a lot and have echolalia, so there should be more support from the club.

I feel sorry for the ND child more than yours to be honest. It can't be nice being in an environment with other kids rolling their eyes at them with little support.

He isn't a 'problem child' 🙄

FFS

@DImplesandCheese

my older son sounds like the ND child in your scenario and there’s no way I’d be pleased he was ruining the activity for others.

He should absolutely be accommodated and supported if possible but that doesn’t mean his enjoyment trumps everyone else’s.

I don’t allow my son to stay at activities alone unless I’m sure he can partake properly and is going to be well supervised.

i accept there is an element of DC needing an outlet from being with his ND siblings. He has a couple of other activities that offer this for him. I am well aware of how much he had to accommodate at home. I’m sure it does make both me and DC me re sensitive to the impact of someone who is ND.

as I said, DC can handle the week on week annoyance. It’s the bigger events that really get to him. It just feels unfair that he has to give up something because the adults can’t/wont deal with the situation properly.

others have left, on the grapevine/through the DC this is because of this child but no other parents have stepping up to talk to the staff about it. so the staff act like no one else has a problem.

im sure that DC is fixating by now, wouldn’t you? Straw that broke the camel’s back here I think. DC has reached the end of his ability to accept this.

Not sure how you get that I’m blaming the child? I’ve said all through that he needs and deserves better support. I have never suggested he be excluded. My frustration is with the situation. I don’t blame the child for his differences.

it might be time for you to do some gate gossiping as you call it, and perhaps arrange for the parents to approach the club en masse to get it addressed.

My dc is autistic. He went to cubs and caused chaos but loved it. Unfortunately I didn’t know that he was causing chaos until he went missing while up a mountain. We found him but loads of other cubs told me ‘Sam never listens, he always runs off and causes trouble’.

I wish a child had told their parents and that they had told me so that I could have considered what to do.

Anyone got a good trusted link to explain ND in simple terms please? Ive had a google which just said its not a diagnosis in itself but you never know the validity of random sites.

ND children are the holy grail on MN OP and they can’t put a foot wrong so I don’t think you will get much support here on this thread.

Except from me. If that kid is able enough to participate he is able enough not to ruin the experience for everyone or anyone else. So sorry for your kid if he was enjoying it before.

YANBU. They're not actually inclusive, they're lazy. I'd let DS give up and find another hobby. Nothing else you can do.

It is nice that you were able to accept their perspective. In my experience DC usually do tell their parents but I would never dream of addressing it with the parent and I would assume that they'd already know (and not welcome comments)

Well the only thing you can do then is have a quiet word with the leaders again. You can only be honest and say this is why my child is leaving and I know of others who have done the same. I have an ND child, but also another that has significant disruption from ND children in his class too. The issue usually boils down to support. Is it because the tasks might be too complicated and too structured for the child. Can they adjust them, or are they too scared to? If the group aren't willing to adjust after speaking to them one last time, I'm not sure what else you can do.

I personally don't take my son to clubs because he is at the severe end and if I attend short breaks events I usually stay. I think the leaders need to speak to the parent again about staying. It is a difficult one.