To ask if its fair that inclusivity has excluded my DC from their hobby?

[DImplesandCheese]

TLDR: ND child is causing my DC to quit much loved hobby as ND child's behaviour is ruining it for them.

Full Story: DC (13) attended a hobby/club and has done for years. 2 years ago a new child joined. The child is ND and their particular behaviours include shouting out, not listening, inappropriate use of kit and refusal to fully participate in activities. DC has complained on and off since this child joined that it is spoiling it. I have encouraged DC to be understanding and supportive, I have spoken with the staff at the club to ask if more support for this child can be put in place. Nothing has changed.

Part of the club involves some unsupervised time and this is DC's favourite part of the club. The last two unsupervised sessions have been completely ruined by this child's behaviour, the group have had to call staff for help to sort it out and therefore their final result for the session has been effected. 2 months ago after the last ones of these sessions I spoke with staff and asked why this child doesn't have a 1 to 1 support/parent staying with them as this is hugely effecting everyone else's enjoyment and I was told that my DC is exaggerating and 'fixating' on this child.

DC came home last night as said he's quitting. This child has wrecked the night's activity again. I spoke to the staff and was told that they 'are an inclusive club and they pride themselves in being open to all' and hinted that DC leaving may well be for the best if he's not happy.

I have 2 ND DC, I get the difficulties, I get that they should have access to clubs and activities, I get that allowances need to be made for their behaviour. I am in no way suggesting the child should be kicked out but surely if you have children leaving because of another child then the support in place for that child isn't right?

AIBU to think that more should be done to support this child correctly so DC can continue to enjoy their hobby and that my DC having to leave is not an acceptable situation?

He doesn't have to leave. Its a good opportunity for him to learn not to let things bother him if they're out of his control. He's bound to come across similar with adults who don't pull their weight or are frustrating to deal with in work environments in the future.

DC tells me the rest of the group are also frustrated but I only have his word for that. No idea if other parents agree with me as I dont do 'gossiping at the gates'.

If your child isn't enjoying it any more then quitting does seem like the best idea. Could they try joining something else or another club instead.
I think you are correct that this child needs more 1-2-1 support. Maybe there are some activities they just aren't going to join in so maybe they should do something else. But if they haven't done anything in two years, I doubt they will now. Ie - if they haven't asked a parent to stay and support they won't now!

If the others in DC's group feel the same then can they just set up the hobby independently from the club and do it themselves in their own time?

The club may see things a bit differently if it's a whole bunch of people leaving.

Other than that I think the alternative is to explain you're leaving and you'd be grateful if they let you know if the situation changes in future as you'd happily return.

I agree with you that this isn’t right but unfortunately that’s sometimes the way it goes with clubs, particularly those run by volunteers. You take it or leave it, even if they’re being highly unreasonable.

it;s so annoying because DC loves this hobby and doens't want to give it up. plus i feel it could be at the very least improved if not fixed by the child having a 1-2-1 or parent staying.

Are you sure your son is not also neurodiverse? The reason I ask is that generally speaking, disruptive behaviour is water off a duck’s back to a neurotypical person.
Your son is upset to quite a degree. I presume he doesn’t like the unfairness e.g. losing in tasks because of this boy; he doesn’t like the disruption.

i also feel bad for the child who i feel is being done a disservice as they are not being correctly supported to engage with the sessions.

Can you volunteer to go along to the club to support? Be an extra pair of hands?

Most people would be a bit annoyed/ upset if doing something the love and it was disrupted by someone behaving badly. It doesn't mean he is neurodiverse.

surely nobody likes disruptions? I'd be hacked off if i went to 'knit and natter' every week and Nora ND spent every week dancing around the room singing. It would spoil the enjoyment of the session for me. Likewise trying to solve a puzzle while this child is running off with the clues is justifiably frustrating.

DC is not ND, there have never been any behaviours in them that make me thing so.

It's been two YEARS that child is more patient than me I woukd have been gone in a fucking month

I agree, sounds like the perfect opportunity for op's daughter to learn how to tolerate different people and not expect everything to go how they want.

why should the OP have to do that?

They're not complaining on how the club normally runs, they are rightly pointing out that the club allowing bad behaviour is ruining it for everyone.

The solution is simple, either ask the carer of the child to stay and support - because the child is obviously not having a great time, or point out that they don't have the support needed and ask them to find another club.

No one is wining here, it's not fair on anyone what's the point.

My son is neurotypical and this would upset him. This is two years of the drip drip effect of his challenging behaviour so I think most people would have had enough by now.

It sounds as though the ND child really needs parental or other support at this club. I really sympathise.

it's a hobby, it should not be that hard. Kids have to be supportive at school all day, they are all allowed to have a break.

If it's Scouts or something then yes, it's a hobby, but people also learn some very formative life skills from groups like this.

At that age, everything is learning and hobby groups can be an extremely important environment in which people learn important social skills.

You don't have to 'have a break' from being a nice/ supportive person. That's a part of life full stop and applies whenever you're around people both in and out of school.

They don't have to, but given that they've already asked for extra support and it's not happening, I'd assume the club is under resourced.

As a parent in OP's position, if I had the time, I'd just offer to help for the benefit of my child and others in the group.

The alternative is, as you say, that no one wins.

Could there be an element of this hobby was a break from the daily life of dealing with ND siblings? Now neuro diversity is interrupting their break so there is no escape.

The OP has 2 ND children at home.. why does everything have to be a lesson for some, but not others?

The OP's child should be allowed to have ONE hobby, not school, not home, where they enjoy themselves. Expecting the club to keep running as it always was, and how it is meant to be, without having to stop and get the staff to sort out situations is not wrong.

I bet people would react differently if it was their own adult class, sport or craft, that was consistently disturbed by someone. Most people would stop going and find another one.

It sounds as if the child cannot participate in the activities and the failure to accommodate that is doing him a huge disservice. It’s like having able-bodied football with one kid in a wheelchair in goal: not fair to anyone.

For the OP’s kid there’s accepting that things aren’t perfect and then there’s accepting that your own interests will be completely trashed. I would be wary of teaching my kid to accept the latter. I would also never expect the trashing of someone else’s experience for the sake of my kid.

not really a good comparison. It would really help if you said what the hobby is, but someone suggested Scouts so let's use that as an example.

the unstructured bit might be a project where they have to gather objects and then build something or whatever. So the boys all get together, choose which bits of the list they'll gather, which bits of the building they will do etc. And this child picks a bit to do - they are all reliant that each will do their part and because this child doesn't do his part, the whole thing can't be done?

if that is the case, the boys themselves need to make one of the volunteers accompany this child and if the child stops doing their part, to take over that bit, so the rest of the group aren't inconvenienced by missing bits.

There are conflicting interests here. You don't want to give the message that inclusivity is bad. But not everyone needs the same support. You don't want to give the message that you should give up on things because not everything goes your way. But you also don't want to give the message that once signed on to a hobby the DC is never allowed to give it up.

Does this hobby group ever have an open day or something where parents and siblings go along to see what they've been doing? Is that a chance for everyone to discuss how it's going and where things could be better for everyone?

To me, this is positive discrimination gone nuts.

of course there are rules and boundaries that have to be adhered too, it’s shouldn’t be some people have to conform and others can do whatever they like.

this child should be supported 121 in this if they want to go and it absolutely should not negatively impact others.

im sorry for your DC

@Weetabbix

im sure with 2 ND siblings he already gets plenty of 'learning opportunities'

an ADULT needs to be 1:1 with the ND child so that ALL of the children can enjoy the activity. It's not up to the children to manage the ND child's behaviour to this degree