9 year old left in park for 10 minutes

[Italianasoitis]

My 9 year old son went to his friend's house after school. The dad collected them both from school and took them to the park. When my son got home, he said that the dad went back home to get something and left both my son and his friend (both 9) alone for 10 minutes. In this time my son fell over and grazed his knee and said an old lady came over to him to see if he was OK. Son wasn't frightened, hurt or upset amd while he is quote mature for his age, I have never left him alone for any amount of time. I'm annoyed and am not sure if I'm being unreasonable. I feel like I can't trust the parents again. Am I mad? I can be a bit over protective but aibu in thinking you don't leave 9 year olds alone in the park? Or maybe it's OK. I don't know. What do you all think?

I think it really depends which park. If it was a small part outside their house in a quiet residential district, then that is way different from a city park next to a homeless shelter where the park is frequented by drug takers and/or seriously aggressive unsupervised dogs.

Our house is safe and she rarely does anything else except for reading when she is at home
she might sneak into the kitchen for a snack or something but that’s about it

We’re in the safe(ish) south west and honestly doesn’t happen here in our school year. Yes parents will give lots of space at the park and often take lots of kids to the park after school, but there’s always one adult about watching whoever they’ve gone with. Im all for doing it at the top end of primary but not 9. If the school think thats too young to walk to school (no one is allowed in year 4), then in my opinion, thats too young to be in the park alone.

The Mum didn’t have the chance to make the decision though as she wasn’t even asked and thats the main issue.

He was responsible for your son and should have said ok let’s go back to collect whatever it was and then we’ll come back to the park. But he left the kids and therefore he should have told you what had happened.

There is no way a primary school would allow a 7 year old to walk out of school alone, so im not sure what schools these kids are at 😅 The teachers at out state primary stand with the kids and watch you collect your child. You can collect other children only with permission. From Year 5 upwards, its fine for them to walk home. No way is a teacher going to allow a 7 year old to just wander out the school gates these days with no parent there.

I would leave my 9yo alone in the park for 10mins... however I would NEVER leave someone else's 9yo alone in the park for 10 mins if I did not have their parents permission to do so. If I'm responsible for someone's child I don't assume I can do anything I'd think was fine for my own child.. stuff like that I know parents have differing views on so I'd always ask.
I think the dad was being really irresponsible there.

This context would have been useful in your Op.

You live in an apartment, in a European City, and you have no idea of the park your 9 year old was left in. I think it's fair enough that you were concerned.

My vision was of the small village we lived in, in the Yorkshire Dales, zero traffic around the village green. There was a small play park on the green - a few swings, a slide, a roundabout, and a zip wire. There was a wooden 'assault course' round the sides.
In my context, it would be really quite unusual to be concerned about a 9yo being in our play park on their own for 10 minutes!

All the village children played at the park. Neighbourhood parents would be surprised to say the least if they were asked about this!

My DS (year 4) has been taking himself to and from school on his own all year. He was 9 in April. If he wants to play in the park after school he cycles home first and let's me know where he'll be and goes back out. He comes home when it starts to rain or his mates all go home or he gets bored. We live in a large village and he can get to and from the park along a fairly safe route. He's had a couple of mishaps in that time- grazes, stinging nettles, falling out with mates, but he knows where I am if he needs me. He and his friend also walk back and forth to each others houses alone if they are having a play date (again, short safe route). When he's at his dad's he cycles to the shop on his own if he wants an ice lolly or his dad needs something like a pint of milk.

Most of his friends parents are not as relaxed as I am though so I respect their expectations and keep a much closer eye if I'm in charge of another child.

@Isitautumnyet23 I think one thing you're missing is lots of 9 year olds are top end of primary school. My 9 year old turns 10 four days before she'll start year 6. You keep talking about year 4s, but of course year 5s are 9 for at least some of the academic year (or all of it like my child and her friends).

@Isitautumnyet23 but year five is age nine for many children?

Sorry thinking of my own when I wrote that who turned 10 early in year 5. So taking out school years, 10/11 seems to be the age most parents allow this. But regardless, the Mum wasn’t asked if she would allow it or if the child had ever been left before. Parents should have a say when they allow this, not decided by another parent who promised to look after them.

So at what age are they no longer at risk of abduction?

Does an abduction take any more time when they’re 10, or 11?

It's an ok age to do this depending on the child, and the area etc

But 100% not ok to leave someone else's child unattended. I'd be pissed off.

You dont suddenly see every year 5 parent gone from the school run as soon as they reach year 5.

The reason I mentioned the rule of no children walking to school before year 5 (whether this is 9 or 10) is this is the FIRST age the school see it acceptable for the kids to be walking any distance on their own to school. Therefore OP’s child is at the FIRST age they really should be at the park by themselves, so its perfectly fine if the OP’s child hasn’t taken this step yet at 9 years old. Perhaps OP was considering it or planning to let them over the Summer, but the other parent made the decision for her.

From what I remember in Year 5, kids started walking to parents cars or a little way by themselves and by the end of Year 5, some were walking home in groups. I was always happy with this for mine as they are eldest in the year and sensible for their age. Some parents never did this and collected them till the end of year 6 (perhaps the child wanted them to?).

My point was mainly aimed at those saying ‘my 7 year old plays out for 5 hours unwatched so your being over protective’ etc. She’s really not and school agree with that.

I honestly think you and many other posters on here do not understand the damage you are doing to a child this age by wrapping them in cotton wool and denying them any age appropriate independence.

Or 13, plenty are barely 5ft and under 7st.

The reason I mentioned the rule of no children walking to school before year 5 (whether this is 9 or 10) is this is the FIRST age the school see it acceptable for the kids to be walking any distance on their own to school. Therefore OP’s child is at the FIRST age they really should be at the park by themselves, so its perfectly fine if the OP’s child hasn’t taken this step yet at 9 years old.

I disagree that the two should start at the same age. Plenty are walking to and from school because parents are not at home. A child with at least one friend at a park five minutes walk from home in the evening or weekend when their parents are home is an earlier step imo.

The reason I mentioned the rule of no children walking to school before year 5 (whether this is 9 or 10) is this is the FIRST age the school see it acceptable for the kids to be walking any distance on their own to school. Therefore OP’s child is at the FIRST age they really should be at the park by themselves

school are coming at this purely from an arse covering perspective!

When did they stop allowing 9 year olds out to play alone? Cause if youre old enough to be his mum then you should have had a child hood that allowed you to playoutside. I'm only 40 and I grew up playing outside like every kid in the UK from age 5.....9 year old is too protective and being a helicopter, especially for 10min!!!
He'll be about to go into year 5 in 3 months and schools allow them to walk hoke alone!

I used to leave the school age 5 every lunch time to walk home for lunch!

I work in a school and this is not why schools don't allow children before year 5 to walk home.

If you're in doubt, contact your local police station and they will tell you that its perfectly fine and legal for then to be walking or playing by themselves years before year 5.

If I saw a 5 year old walking to school by themselves, I would call the school and the police. That is just dangerous in todays world (traffic etc).

Im all for allowing freedom from an appropriate age (mine walked to and from school in year 5).

The main point of this discussion is that the other parent never checked with her after offering to ‘look after’ her child. Thats the bit thats wrong.

My 8 year old walk to the park alone (well with a friend)! He's in the park alone (with other kids) most days

You say you are okay with incremental increases in freedom but you are going to be playing catch up with all his peers if you haven't even managed the first increment yet. Until you actually do something, it's just talk to make yourself sound less overprotective.

If he is panicked at being left in the flat while you are in the stairwell and reported this dad's leaving to you in such detail, he's not being given enough responsibility to engender confidence, it's time to actually start your plans to give him a bit of independence.

I don't think the dad did anything wrong, kids were 5mins from home, together and knew he was coming back. At 9, the person out of sync with societal norms needs to do the asking, and in this case it's you. You need to say that he must be supervised at all times, as the odd 5 mins at 9 is so normal.

The main point of this discussion is that the other parent never checked with her after offering to ‘look after’ her child. Thats the bit thats wrong.

I suspect the dad didn't think to check because it was just normal parenting to him.

OP does say she's in Europe and it's common in many countries for children to be out and about independently from a much younger age than it is here.