Resent my “entitled” sons

[Toffeelover]

I have been a high earner all my life but am now retired (post cancer). Split up with my kids Dad 13 years ago. He never worked post a serious illness (20 years ago)and suffered from depression and addictions so I was always the main bread winner. He lives hand to mouth.
I married again to a wealthy man and we had a good lifestyle but he left me 18 months ago. I’m negotiating a divorce settlement which will mainly provide for my housing and I will live off whatevermy own private pension will provide. I’m 61
i had children late & have 3 DS aged 23,22 and 17.
I’ve always been frugal and a saver but I find the attitude of 2 of my sons quite shocking.
They often ask for takeaways (I say no but their Dad will always provide them) and I’ve just taken them on (admittedly) the last paid for family holiday as they’ve finished their finals/A-Levels.
The problem is, here on holiday, they want the high life and for me to pay. They ask to go to restaurants where it’s €20 per cocktail and they knock them back and also to order expensive food where the bill is €125- €150 per head.
This is a holiday and I’m happy to pay for value but I feel they’re taking the piss a bit.
i think I brought them up better to know the price of things and to value the odd treat, not to take it for granted.
AiBU?

You're not being unreasonable, but you must learn to say NO. I hope they had a good education and good careers so they won't carry on like this for ever more!?

I think you need to manage their expectations. If you had an expensive meal today, explain you’re having a takeaway tomorrow. Or you dictate what restaurant you’re going to.

You're paying so you get to say where and what you eat. Sounds like they are quite happy for you to bankroll them. Guess that you are going to have to start pulling back.

ill admit id love a no limits credit card, that said even if i had a no limit credit card, id still be shopping for yellow label items, prices these days are omg at best of times

Just say no.
Do they work

Say no like most of us.
We can't afford drinks €20 or food €125/150. I don't think we are poor. Just avarage.

What happens if you say, We’re not having cocktails this evening as it’s too expensive? Or if you told them the budget for a meal out?

This must be so sad and so disappointing...

In practical terms my mil does similar so im well versed in this game.

My response has been to go to worse/ cheaper places (initially places where even if she goes WILD she cant manage more than £50) to places where there are only £10-15 mains and no alcohol licence.
To not take her out at all and see if she offers.

I'd tell your feckless sons to go out for dinner on their own as you "arent hungry' then take yourself out somewhere decent or get in some yummy room services.

You need to learn to say no and stick to it. Nothing wrong with explaining you can no longer afford to spend as you once did. At their age they should understand.

Sorry lads, can't afford x,y and z, how about we go to a, b or c?

Happy to go to X if you can pay for your own meals.

How about you come round to mine for tea, and we can go to yours next week.

Token gifts for Christmas and birthdays now lads. Bottle of gin/whisky or their fav tipple instead of spending ££&£s on them.

Thank you. They have all just finished the education and are bright and should be able to have good careers.
I always draw the line at 3 cocktails but they complain and say “oh mum, you act like a poor person” which really f••s me off

They're your kids, I don't really understand why you can't just say no, that's out of budget. If that's not going to work for you then take them to cheaper places.

Why are you paying for all this? Just say no, I can’t afford it. Don’t entertain even going in to those places.
FWIW I have adult sons myself and can’t imagine them asking or expecting such expensive treats. Are yours doing it because that is what they are used to?
Do they understand your circumstances- it might need spelling out.

'oh mum you act like a poor person' wtf. I would read mine the absolute riot act if they said anything like this. Where has this attitude come from?

Oooff that comment from my sons would get a sharp retort along the lines of ' I'm not poor because I've not spent my money on unlimited cocktails. And you're getting the next round.

Just say well you guys can sort dinner for the next few days, I don't mind where we go.

It's on you to say no, we can't afford it.

I was an "entitled" teenager who wanted fancy clothes and fancy restaurants. My parents' response? No, that's too expensive for us. Honesty is best.

If they're used to such expensive things, it's no wonder they expect it. It's ok to be honest with them and explain circumstances have changed.

This is the last holiday.
i guess I feel a bit guilty. F knows why. I spend my whole life saying no to them & I’m tired of it.
But also, they’ve had a better lifestyle when I was with my soon to be ex husband and they’ve become used to it maybe

Our kids are younger but we cap mocktails when out. Not for any reason other than to instil respect with ordering when others are paying. They order a mocktail and after that any other drink is either still water or soft drink which is usually half the price. Don't be shy to tell them. You're helping them in the long run!

Why can't you say no OP? When they say, let's go to that fancy restaurant with the €20 cocktails, why can't you bring yourself to say "listen lads, I'm retired and your dad is divorcing me so funds are limited, I have to think of my retirement. Tonight we're going to that little pizza place and it'll be beers all round"? Is it that this is the lifestyle they've always been used to?

I think you need to make it plain to them that your circumstances have changed so they will have to manage their expectations. Doesn't have to be a row or anything, just a wry reminder that your life has changed, so theirs has to change too.

This makes me cringe - not at you OP, but at my own entitled behaviour once. It shames me now to think about it.
My dad had to ask me to rein it in on a trip we were on because he couldn’t afford it.
It must’ve been so embarrassing for him that he couldn’t be the big spender he wanted to be, but I still feel so awful.

I really think you should just come out and say it: ”I can’t afford this.” If they’re the sons you raised, they’ll understand.

I know, I’m 100% a yellow label shopper & can’t bear waste. I’m sad my kids have rejected my views

Just say “I can’t afford that”. What is your problem with saying no?

I voted YABU but only because at that age many young adults are still overly happy to spend their parents money if money has never been seen to be an issue.....it doesn't make them bad people and they will (more than likely) turn out to be fairly respectable members of society :)

Just make sure to let them know before going out for a meal that you're happy to spend X amount on dinner and drinks but if they want expensive cocktails they will have to pay for it.

Yeah say NO - or 'your round son' - not excuse for adult not contributing

Mine worked from age 16 - for the luxuries I couldn't buy them - they work now at uni - work doesn't start when education finishes - it starts when they are old enough and start demanding mum pays for their trainers, make up, fancy hair stuff!

I dont think you say i cant afford this

I think you say why do you think its okay to be so wasteful with my money? If you were paying you wouldn't be ordering lobster and champagne cocktails...

I'd also def let them put their order in and then ask which one of them is paying

Cheeky bastards

To which the only response is ‘No darling, I’m not poor. You are. And you’re acting like a massive ponce’.

You’re not drawing the line early enough. If they say ‘let’s go and get cocktails, you say ‘ooh lovely, I didn’t realise you had cocktail money. Shall we do a kitty?’