Resent my “entitled” sons

[Toffeelover]

I have been a high earner all my life but am now retired (post cancer). Split up with my kids Dad 13 years ago. He never worked post a serious illness (20 years ago)and suffered from depression and addictions so I was always the main bread winner. He lives hand to mouth.
I married again to a wealthy man and we had a good lifestyle but he left me 18 months ago. I’m negotiating a divorce settlement which will mainly provide for my housing and I will live off whatevermy own private pension will provide. I’m 61
i had children late & have 3 DS aged 23,22 and 17.
I’ve always been frugal and a saver but I find the attitude of 2 of my sons quite shocking.
They often ask for takeaways (I say no but their Dad will always provide them) and I’ve just taken them on (admittedly) the last paid for family holiday as they’ve finished their finals/A-Levels.
The problem is, here on holiday, they want the high life and for me to pay. They ask to go to restaurants where it’s €20 per cocktail and they knock them back and also to order expensive food where the bill is €125- €150 per head.
This is a holiday and I’m happy to pay for value but I feel they’re taking the piss a bit.
i think I brought them up better to know the price of things and to value the odd treat, not to take it for granted.
AiBU?

My mum was similar with me and I was the same as your sons. I like nice things.

But, I earn the money to pay for them and I use what I want to fuel my ambitions and climb the ladder. I pay for everything myself. That's the difference I can see here.

I don't aspire to be a yellow label shopper, I aspire to travel wherever I want and have the best and nicest experiences. Both of those things are fine, one will keep you stuck but is simpler. But they should pay their own way at their ages. If they want nice things they need to earn them.

I had this from my dc2. ''we're povo'' he said to me. He is DAMN lucky that he was raised with a secure roof over his head as when I left his tightwad father we relied on my family and my savings and my job. He had more than I had and my parents were together when I grew up. After years of working I am back on an even keel now and back to saving again but he has in the past made comments about how I shouldn't be saving, I should be lavishing more money on him. My dc1 has a part time job and never asks for a penny.

It was a joke and I laughed through the tears but my x bf didn't like what he saw and warned me 'he's like a boa constrictor, sizing you up' and it made me feel scared of him. My son that is.

Just say no, and set boundaries in advance.

Well before the holiday, you should have had a chat, especially with the eldest two, and set your rules.
"Right boys, I'll pay for the flights and accomodation for us all. I'll get the evenings meals, and we can decide between us where we want to go, some cheap nights for pizza, burgers or pasta, and some nicer nights where we get dressed up and spend a bit more on steaks. But if you want loads of drinks, you'll be paying for them yourselves, and if you want to do stuff like party boats or jet ski's you'll be paying for them yourselves too."

As long as you've mentioned in advance, it's easy enough to say 'You can do what you want with your money, but I'm not buying more than one cocktail each tonight'. Even if you haven't it's reasonable to say 'No boys, we had a really expensive meal last night, so it's pizzas and beers tonight'

Even as a young child and teenager, we used to go on lovely holidays abroad and have these kind of boundaries set 'Right, tonight lets have a nice meal, shall we go for a steakhouse or that nice Chinese?' 'Tonight's a cheap one, we'll go to that place down the sea front, but it's pizzas or burgers' 'No, we spent a lot of money on the waterpark yesterday, so we're just having one drink out tonight, once we've all finished we'll head back to the hotel - you can try that fancy milkshake another day'.

Any complaints can easily be met with 'Well I'm definitely not poor, I've paid for all four of us to come to this lovely place, and paid for XYZ. You're welcome to put your hand in your own pocket if you want more, but I won't be'

My oldest was like this would want all the expensive stuff during a food shop and did not like the cheap stuff, needed fancy cold coffe in cans every day etc. then she turned 18, got a job and she started having to pay for her own food so all of a sudden the cheaper stuff would do 🤷🏻‍♀️

then she got a decent job and realised that if she continued on the cheaper stuff she could buy herself things she really wanted and save up and so she’s continued being more sensible now.

Yanba, but things are soo expensive now. My kids dont think £100 is a lot of money, mainly because they arw growing uo in a world where it doesn't go very far at all. 20 quid now does not go very far. That being said either go all inclusive next time, my parents paid for a couple of holidays for us as teens/young adults and they were always all inclusive trips to mexico or dominican republic which worked really well. Or tell then they need to save some money for the holiday for spends, youll get flights and accomodation and food and they get drinks?

My children always had to work from early teens to pay for treats. I could easily have afforded to pay for them but I don’t think it’s good for them to get too much. As adults they never expect me to pay for anything, I enjoy treating them, but always on my terms.
I would suggest you need to manage their expectations, if they earn the money and pay for their own cocktails I can guarantee they suddenly won’t want them! They are not understanding how much effort it takes to earn that money and this is a life experience they need

Well there's your answer. If they've always had the cash splashed when you were with ex they probably haven't clocked the change into their immature brains yet. So set it out. Literally have a conversation and say your now having to be more mindful of your money and don't have as much and expect them to contribute towards own costings now and to be abit more frugal. If you haven't told them how can they adjust expectations. Somethings need to just have a conversation about.

Oh wow.
my parents very kindly took my family away earlier this year and last year.
we paid our way out there though, or at least offered. My parents are very well off and don’t want to see us struggle so help a lot but I think their expectation for you to find everything is poor, they should at least be offering to pay and paying their way for some!

I think the notion of treating, but on your own terms is very important. And making it clear from early on with children that is IS a treat, not something they have any right to expect.

Why aren't they earning money? Stop paying for them. Let them know it's over. They are not children any more. Time to close your purse. They need to grow up.

Because they've just done exams and are now on holiday. Why can't you read?

theleafandnotthetree ·I think the notion of treating, but on your own terms is very important. And making it clear from early on with children that is IS a treat, not something they have any right to expect.

I agree. On a lighter note, jelly and custard, and trifles were probably the cheapest desserts, but I only dished them up for parties and special occasions, so the children assumed they were something special.!