Resent my “entitled” sons

[Toffeelover]

I have been a high earner all my life but am now retired (post cancer). Split up with my kids Dad 13 years ago. He never worked post a serious illness (20 years ago)and suffered from depression and addictions so I was always the main bread winner. He lives hand to mouth.
I married again to a wealthy man and we had a good lifestyle but he left me 18 months ago. I’m negotiating a divorce settlement which will mainly provide for my housing and I will live off whatevermy own private pension will provide. I’m 61
i had children late & have 3 DS aged 23,22 and 17.
I’ve always been frugal and a saver but I find the attitude of 2 of my sons quite shocking.
They often ask for takeaways (I say no but their Dad will always provide them) and I’ve just taken them on (admittedly) the last paid for family holiday as they’ve finished their finals/A-Levels.
The problem is, here on holiday, they want the high life and for me to pay. They ask to go to restaurants where it’s €20 per cocktail and they knock them back and also to order expensive food where the bill is €125- €150 per head.
This is a holiday and I’m happy to pay for value but I feel they’re taking the piss a bit.
i think I brought them up better to know the price of things and to value the odd treat, not to take it for granted.
AiBU?

i think I brought them up better to know the price of things and to value the odd treat, not to take it for granted.

YABU. You actually brought them up to know the value of nothing. Cold sharp shock treatment for all of you.

I think a 22 year old grad is a little past having a Saturday job!

Do you have adult children and have you honestly done that? Shared an in depth account of your personal finances with them, just to get them off your back and stop them insulting you for not spending enough on them?

The time to start introducing the concept that money isn't unlimited and needs to be budgeted was in primary school. Growing up rich doesn't change that - rich people are savvy with money too, and even a huge bucket of money still has a bottom to it.

In their twenties, a short 'don't be ridiculous - if you want XXX (expensive thing) earn the money and pay for it yourself' will do the job.

Listen, some young adults will push it, no matter how they were brought up. Mine all had to have PT jobs through uni etc, often been expected to live on very little, but they'd still chance their arm sometimes! They can also be very good and very generous in other ways.

My dear late mum used to say, when I was in uni, and she and I went to the supermarket, she didn't recognise half the things in her trolley when she got to the till! When I was older, and had children and our finances were shot to shit with the expense of childcare, she would alway find ways to help out!

I do, and always will, help out my kids if I can, and they are all in their 20s now - the same as my parents did for me and my siblings. I wouldn't let them take the piss with £60 worth of cocktails apiece though!

I certainly would not be sharing details of my income/expenses with them!

Gosh you have done a good job of compensating them for the break up with their dad. I did similar myself, partly trying to prove that I could provide for them just as well as when I was with their dad. It is your job now to instil. in these boys a sense of responsibility and an awareness of budgeting. You need to treat them like the men they are to become. Time for a reality check. Nice that you rewarded them for A levels. But they must acclimatise to budgeting, like most of us to be honest. Appeal to their manly self now and encourage them to look after you to an extent their future boyfriends and girlfriends with thank you for .. No time like the present. You really don’t want two self centred monsters. They will get satisfaction from being looked at by you as men not ignorant school boys.

They may grow out of it. My DH was like them in the past, now he has his own DC he acts like his Dad. He was listening to his Dads views all along. My MIL used to give in to her DCs though and FIL used to pay, they won't let him pay now.

That’s a horrible thing to say, and enough to stop me buying another alcoholic drink for any of them. Mind you, if my lovely ds expected me to buy him £20 cocktails I’d laugh in his face.

You need to set their expectations in advance.

We've always treated our dc but DH is just retiring and when we went away with them last week he told them that they'd have to put their hands in their pockets from now on (they've always bought drinks etc but we've tended to pay for meals most of the time). They were all happy to pay their way.

Tbh if they'd started ordering expensive cocktails I'd have said there and then "we are splitting the bill!"

It's just occurred to me, what on earth is in these cocktails that they can charge £20 for them? Is that a standard price for cocktails, or is it because that particular restaurant is high end? Not familiar really.

It just seems so extravagant and then to order three at one meal!

YANBU... But this is when they start taking you out. I would pay if I went out with my DC but they are polite and say "are you sure it's ok?" (To have a drink or a steak). I hope that once they get a job they will start buying me drinks and meals. You probably need to point out that you're not made of money. It's trickier with the 17 yo as they probably can't pay their own way yet but they do need to learn that life isn't about takeaways and cocktails and that things cost money.

At those prices, you are spending ridiculous sums of money on main courses & cocktails . It is beyond average as mentioned on ExPatiStan .

As a result of playing you against their father , they have started to take all this f granted & have become spoilt brats . He & you need to eat & drink at less expensive places & possibly economise more materially .

When my three children were young adults, we went to a confirmation service. At the end of the service there was a collection at the door which we didn't expect. I saw my three huddled together and they started giggling. I went over to them and asked what they were doing, and they said they were turning their pockets out to see what they could do for the collection, because they were skint but made sure they put in equal amounts when their wealthy cousin walked up, took out a roll of notes, peeled some off and put them in the collection plate.

They fell about laughing because it reminded them of the 'widow's mite' of the parable.

I sent my boys to private schools, yet they had no pretentions to grandeur.

They’re all working so start charging them board. Give them chores. They need to learn the VALUE of money and how to budget etc. I charge my kids board and I am saving what I charge t them in bank accounts for deposits for later. They have a fair bit saved up as they have all worked PT since they were 14. My eldest moved out in December and has over $30,000 AUD in her account. She’s in a share house and is still adding to it. My twins are still at home and have close to $18k. They’re very pleased too.

They have got used to living very comfortably, which is lovely when you can afford it. You just need to explain that circumstances have changed. They shouldn’t be talking to you like that, but you also need to call them out on it. I was probably a bit like that when I was younger as I had a privileged upbringing. They’ll soon learn when they are paying for everything themselves! I did, but do still enjoy a cocktail or two on holiday (paid for by me).

Say "no" end of story.

The problem is, you sound like the Grinch next to their dad. To some, it's living 'hand to mouth', to others, it's knowing you can't take it with you. Very different perspectives, and whilst you're probably focused on leaving something behind for the kids, it sounds like dad would like to enjoy his money with them now. I don't think you're unreasonable for wanting to control how your money is spent, but I also don't see a problem with how your ex lives either.

If this is the last family holiday, let it be the last of treating them like children (except maybe the 17 year old).

Going forward, in scenarios where they are going to expect you to pay, you need to be upfront and tell them they are adults now and so can pay for their own stuff.

A 23 year old doesn't need to ask you for a take away - they can order and pay for one themselves.

If you keep saying yes they will keep asking. Say no. Or set a daily budget.

I think a lot of people, maybe most, won't truly appreciate the value of money until they're responsible for earning it. Even if you don't spoil your kids and act in the right way, it's just one of those things that I think you have to do yourself in order to understand it properly.

If their father/former stepfather was wealthy then it's not really surprising if expensive things are their norm. You don't have to feel guilty for saying no but I wouldn't worry too much that a 22 year old recent grad or a teenager haven't fully appreciated how financial life works yet.

I wouldn't buy myself 3 cocktails. One pre-prandial and then standard drinks. I'm anything but poor, but profligate is another thing entirely.

I don't think they are rejecting the way you are. I'm a saver too.

Once they get their own homes and realise how expensive everything is and what you have to budget finely to buy 3 X 3 £20 cocktails they will understand

They need to stop with this "you are poor" comments and they need to start buying their own drinks and less expensive meals. It's easy to be generous with someone else's money.

I can understand wanting to push the boat out on a last family holiday but they are absolutely taking the piss aren't they?

"Acting like a poor person" wtaf does that mean?

Not giving them all of your money to spend?

Bloody hell they'll get a shock if they ever move out!

With things like this, I manage expectations by planning ahead. I tell them we can have one very fancy dinner out with cocktails at start and end of holiday, and in between, we eat very cheaply. Or I give them each a budget for the entire family, including drinks and tips and say - find us somewhere nice to eat, for this amount.

(But I do like @Whothefuckdoesthat's reply.)

They ask to go to restaurants where it’s €20 per cocktail and they knock them back and also to order expensive food where the bill is €125- €150 per head.

I'd say - "that is very generous of you. Its a much more expensive restaurant than I would choose but if you are able to cover the bill & tip I'd love to go there".

€ 600 for a family meal is extortionate.

I can see why you're so disappointed and frustrated, OP.

Comments about 'poor' people are truly vulgar. As is the grabby behaviour.

Could you have a reset one morning - update them on your new circs, manage their expectations. Talk to them calmly about the changes coming and their next steps (ie no one gets bankrolled - they need to work, plan to move out, no more holidays etc etc) and a reminder that you love them and are there for them emotionally.