Resent my “entitled” sons

[Toffeelover]

I have been a high earner all my life but am now retired (post cancer). Split up with my kids Dad 13 years ago. He never worked post a serious illness (20 years ago)and suffered from depression and addictions so I was always the main bread winner. He lives hand to mouth.
I married again to a wealthy man and we had a good lifestyle but he left me 18 months ago. I’m negotiating a divorce settlement which will mainly provide for my housing and I will live off whatevermy own private pension will provide. I’m 61
i had children late & have 3 DS aged 23,22 and 17.
I’ve always been frugal and a saver but I find the attitude of 2 of my sons quite shocking.
They often ask for takeaways (I say no but their Dad will always provide them) and I’ve just taken them on (admittedly) the last paid for family holiday as they’ve finished their finals/A-Levels.
The problem is, here on holiday, they want the high life and for me to pay. They ask to go to restaurants where it’s €20 per cocktail and they knock them back and also to order expensive food where the bill is €125- €150 per head.
This is a holiday and I’m happy to pay for value but I feel they’re taking the piss a bit.
i think I brought them up better to know the price of things and to value the odd treat, not to take it for granted.
AiBU?

Sounds like they have always had a lavish lifestyle so I think it’s unrealistic for them to suddenly cut cloth, they are young and don’t see the world like adults who have to provide do.

Have you explained to them that not you are retired your funds are limited and now you are at your poorest, regardless of how much money that is. If not then YABU, as they are not mind readers.

Just communicate that whilst you aren’t poor, you can’t see the value of wasting that much money on stuff such as cocktails - especially now that your financial circumstances have changed.
We’ve had many discussions about priorities and how everybody’s are different. That you can only the spend money once and that you’d rather not waste yours on €20 cocktails. That when it’s their money they are spending, then it’s up to them whether cocktails are a priority or whether they’d rather spend it on other stuff.

Id also be pointing out their privilege and discussing that poor people certainly don’t spend on even one cocktail- I’d be quite serious about how lucky they bloody are and they should appreciate it. Especially when others are paying.

I think their entitlement is normal if they are used to you funding them, but I do now think you need to educate them a bit, and gradually withdraw funding them as they are now adults who need to learn to stand on their own two feet. I’d be telling them that too. And prepare them in advance for this beginning to happen.

@Testina

I know I've been an absolute dick with being too soft for a while now and realise it's my own fault for allowing it to happen

They all got a mum chat about how financially inadequate they are to assume another adult will keep providing for them

I also reminded them that to get to where I am I have worked my absolute ass off for years so that's the only way they are going to experience having financial security and that if that doesn't sink in and motivate them to be more organised with their own money and sacrifice things to save then they're the ones who will be struggling not me because I've been there.

Surely, if they are working part time, they don’t mind you spending their money l, like they spend yours? If you say - each person is paying for themselves- choose where you want to go- what would happen?

I wouldn’t read them the riot act, but I would make it clear that they have got into the habit of sponging off others and that time is over. They got used to STBXH wealth, and now they need to get used to not having access to that.

The acting like a poor person schtick gets a very short “and what are you acting like? A sponger that needs other people to fund their lifestyle because they can’t afford it- so acting like someone poor plus delusional: The Choosing Beggar”

A yellow label shopper is hardly a principle to worry about. Also, they have all just finished education, especially the youngest, hardly out there that they expect stuff, if your ex was wealthy and they got used to it, this would have been as children, again no their fault. You say no, I can’t afford it but why assign some big disappointment to your view on them, in all honesty you are the parent. I am not really a yellow sticker person, I don’t see it as some moral failing.

A lot of pps seem to think you should have a vindictive attitude towards your sons and their expectations, and plan 'gotchas' to show them the error of their ways, and basically letting them know what awful 'entitled' people they are.

I think this is pretty unkind actually, and you would risk damaging your relationship with your sons. They are just being a bit thoughtless, that's all. A little cheeky perhaps, but they are young with not much experience of the world and having to manage a budget. It's probably likely due to being brought up being generously provided for by you (and your ex?) and therefore not having to really think about money and budgeting.

Just sit them down and tell them you love them dearly but as a result of retiring and divorcing from wealthy ex you now have to be more careful with your money. Show them your budget maybe? Tell them you have always been happy to pay for everything in the past but things have to change now. If they are basically good young men with a bit of intelligence and empathy I am sure they will understand. Put a limit on the cocktails!

It's partly down to you that you haven't showed them what money means to many people, and what a privileged upbringing they've enjoyed. They can easily learn, and it will help them in their future lives and make them grow as people.

But you raised them that way.

If you weren't happy with the cost then say no.

Do you think their dad is feeding them this attitude? "It's OK for your mum, unlike me she's rich" etc

Either way it's not on and you need to say no. I know a few people who were brought up with wealthy parents who never said no and I feel so sorry for them as they are now underachievers and resentful because of it. I think that, because of their moneyed childhood, they assumed that they were entitled to whatever they wanted in life and that money and success would come easy. You don't want your boys to be like that.

But OP, since you clearly are comfortably off, please buy full price and leave the yellow sticker stuff for people who actually need it!

If the average price of a cocktail is £15 x 3 sons x 3 each = £135. No way -I’d be saying they could have them when they pay for them St the moment they are poor and so will you be if you don’t learn to say no!

They ask to go to restaurants where it’s €20 per cocktail

But what do you say?

I’d be saying, ‘we can go there, but I’m not paying those prices for drinks so you are paying your drinks bill separately’.

@Whothefuckdoesthat You’d call your child a ponce? Sure OP’s boys will all be working soon. I’d just enjoy the holiday with my sons and be grateful I had them there with me

Yes I was going to say that about the yellow stickers too!

Plus you could always drop a contribution to the food bank in too from time to time. A lot of supermarkets make this easy and convenient now. You could buy a lot of food parcels for the cost of one night's cocktails! Take one of your sons with you when you do.

Just a possibility.

I'd reply with: you don't become rich by drinking loads of 20 dollar cocktails and eating takeaways. Often people walking around in designer clothes aren't the rich ones either - lots of millionaires have patched clothing. Friend worked in a bank and said you could tell the millionaires when they came in - they had worn out clothes and used carrier bags as handbags. (this was a few years back, when we actually had bank branches!)

Have you written down your ingoings. Outgoings, tax etc and sat down with them - I would sit down with them and let them see where your money goes food, heating etc
Then from what’s left say that an amount goes to my holiday next year, hairdresser etc and that leaves (smallish) amount for them divided three ways - y percent of that is going to uni costs and rent, car etcetc
Show them the costs but show them the remainder is your money mainly for you and a bit is for them - or you risk them saying they want xk up front to spend as they want. But they will have no clue about running a home so tell them.

They are teens and new graduates who have never had to budget or earned proper money they think you are rich. You can't blame them for wanting to go to expensive places just need to set budgets and say what you can and can't do. Don't resent them. They'll realise in about ten years. And then they can take you on holiday and you order champagne!

If you've been a high earner and their step dad is a wealthy man then surely they have got used to this kind of lifestyle? Prob a shock to suddenly find out things are different.

Say no to the €20 cocktails. I'm the same age as you're eldest son and I moved out when I was your youngest sons age and have been paying for everything myself ever since. If I go out somewhere with my mother we take it in turns to pay for each others meals.

*your eldest son

If my child actually was a child, then no, of course not.

But if my child was a grown man in his twenties, whose expensive university education I’d just paid for, and whose lovely expensive holiday I’d just paid for, told me that I was ‘acting like a poor person’ because I wasn’t willing to pay for more than three expensive cocktails, then too sodding right I’d call him a ponce. Because poncing off his mum’s limited funds is exactly he’s doing. It’s beyond entitled.

And I’m sure they will be working soon. I suspect, however, that they’ll be prioritising their own futures, rather than contributing to their mother’s dwindling resources or any expensive cocktail habit she chooses to develop. Let’s ask the OP to update us in ten years and see how many expensive holidays they’ve taken her in, shall we?

So what? What difference does that response make? Tell them that if they want to act like rich people they can pay for themselves. Three cocktails in one evening is already more than enough.

It is a case of sitting down and thrashing out the problem.

Put the cost of the holiday, meals, entertainment in terms of how many hours you had to work to raise that much money.

If your sons are working, also work out how many hours they have to work to be able to pay for that holiday.

It might not bring the results you want, because they might just be making use of you while they have the chance, but it should sink in - at lease the idea - which may help you all in the future.

I’m afraid it’s how they have been brought up. My husband and I are very comfortably off but our children know to be careful about money. Not mean but to be sensible and aware of the cost of things.

they would never dream of ordering €20 cocktails or €150 per head meals and certainly would not accuse me of behaving like a ‘poor’ person. - that is a shocking thing to say.

don’t be surprised that once they start work, even if they are earning a very good wage, they end up struggling financially and in debt as they don’t seem the sort who will be able to manage their money well.

Ooof I have to agree with this..
OP you are like my mum she can’t bear waste and saved a wrapper off a blow-up ball the other day! Its not a negative imo waste not want not..
your stbxh will provide for you but not them.
in 5-10 years your kids might be the ones looking for the yellow stickers, they’d do well to take a leaf out of your book now.
I’d probably goad them and reply ‘well if your so rich you pay for it!’ Or ‘you know stbxh’s not your dad, right?’ 🤔😅 the penny will drop OP, keep your head up you sound very down to earth and sensible, if they keep their entitled behaviour up it will make them look like idiots before long

They just need to get into the real world and learn the value of hard work and the value of things. They are the young (ish) still. The school of hard knocks will change them!
No more holidays on mum now. And let them start making their own way!

Saturday jobs so they can learn the value of money and hard work. Get your ex to back the idea.