Resent my “entitled” sons

[Toffeelover]

I have been a high earner all my life but am now retired (post cancer). Split up with my kids Dad 13 years ago. He never worked post a serious illness (20 years ago)and suffered from depression and addictions so I was always the main bread winner. He lives hand to mouth.
I married again to a wealthy man and we had a good lifestyle but he left me 18 months ago. I’m negotiating a divorce settlement which will mainly provide for my housing and I will live off whatevermy own private pension will provide. I’m 61
i had children late & have 3 DS aged 23,22 and 17.
I’ve always been frugal and a saver but I find the attitude of 2 of my sons quite shocking.
They often ask for takeaways (I say no but their Dad will always provide them) and I’ve just taken them on (admittedly) the last paid for family holiday as they’ve finished their finals/A-Levels.
The problem is, here on holiday, they want the high life and for me to pay. They ask to go to restaurants where it’s €20 per cocktail and they knock them back and also to order expensive food where the bill is €125- €150 per head.
This is a holiday and I’m happy to pay for value but I feel they’re taking the piss a bit.
i think I brought them up better to know the price of things and to value the odd treat, not to take it for granted.
AiBU?

Are they used to being bought everything on holiday and don’t appreciate things have changed now you are retired? You say you were a high earner so maybe they haven’t adjusted.

Do they realise that you can't afford that lifestyle any more.

It may be not that they're uncaring but just thoughtless. If they've never really had to manage a budget they may not realise how expensive things are. There comes a point where you no longer hide the facts of life from young adults. So you just say I can afford to take you on this holiday but not to have expensive cocktails and meals. Give them the chance to be more considerate of your different situation.

You need to put it down. You need to put down that 50 stone bag of guilt, @Toffeelover—
It never gets any lighter - it only gets heavier.
Next year at this time it’ll weigh 250 stone and a few months after that it’ll weigh 500 stone and how will you possibly carry that?
You’ve run your race. You’ve raised three young men. You’ve worked all your life to give them the best possible life you could.
This is your time.
Breathe.
Put it down before it puts you down. ❤️

I feel the same way about my dc op at times and it's really disappointing isn't it

I've stopped doing lunches or breakfast out altogether now with all of them because they never ever offer to pay or put in the pot.

They literally order and walk off and sometimes they don't even say thank you and two of them are adults working full time with a bigger disposable income than myself it really irks me.

The two adult ones in the last three months have had private dental paid for,money towards their own holidays ,renewals of things at £100 each and many other bits to go with and it hit me last week when we pulled up at a coffee drive thru because one of them asked to stop and get food as they were hungry. They didn't even offer!

I sarcastically said so I'm paying again then am I? And reminded the adult dc that if they want drive thru they pay as I food shop every week and there's plenty at home.

I've told all of them now that bank of mum is closed and that I work more hours than they both do in my own business so what gives them the right to assume I should still be financially supporting them.

Sorry for ranting but it does get to you

Forgot to say I mentioned last weekend that me and dh along with the 13 yr old we're planning a city break next may and asked the adult dc if they would like to come.
Both said yes straight away and I then said brilliant il let you know how much it will be for each of you and get bak to you.
Did that the next day and now neither of them want to commit to it so there's another example

If they can't even respect their mum, how will they respect society in general.

They sound fucking rude to me. Really not nice for any future partners.

The lippy remarks are not acceptable, so clamp down on those - perhaps with a grain of truth?

'Oh mum, you're acting like a poor person'
'Well I will be poorer going forward, now that I am getting divorced.'

But apart from that I actually think you are being a bit unfair to judge them for not having sufficient awareness of money - even the oldest of them was only nine years old when you married your second husband - so surely they have only ever known a fairly affluent lifestyle? Your circumstances have changed, maybe they need a bit of a clue to catch up! But in general, they are young, still maturing and a bit of obliviousness is probably to be expected - now I am in my forties I wince at some of the social mistakes I made at age 21 and 22. Looking back now, I am actually quite grateful to the people who were bold enough to spell it out to me in a kind but firm way.

If a restaurant is too expensive, just don't go there. Perhaps ask them to arrange and pay for a meal out for you all before the end of the holiday?

I don't see it as them having a lack of respect for their Mum though. To me, if you've been brought up in a household where money has never been an issue, and money seems to continue to not be an issue, then why would you consider that money might be an issue unless otherwise told by your parent?

Obviously the OP knows her son's and knows if they are likely to be complete piss takers or perhaps if she just needs to have a conversation that she's not willing to bankroll them to that extent anymore (and given that she's paid for the holiday maybe they do need an explicit conversation to be had).

A friend of mine had a similar issue with her teens when on holiday. She dealt with the situation by giving them a daily allowance to cover food, drinks, activities etc. Once they spent it, there was no more — and she stuck to it, because she wanted them to be able to budget.

Can you convey to your sons how revolting and uncool it is to suggest that a mother who is only willing to pay 60e for cocktails each evening is behaving like a poor person when there are families going short of food here in the UK?

Takeaways are not cheap. Have a home cooked meal.

When my son was young (too young for cocktails), I once said to him to order whatever he wanted off the menu as we are on holiday.

He then started ordering meals such as lobster and Chateaubriand etc. I told him he couldn't have these as they were the most expensive thing on the menu.

He apologised and said that as I'd said he could order what he wanted, he thought he'd try the things we don't have at home.

After that I started saying "you can have any meal up to the value of €....".

Once we cleared that up things went well.

Maybe you need a similar discussion?

Do they actually understand what this divorce will mean? That you're not getting 6 million in the bank and the mansion and three Ferraris? If they've grown accustomed to you being "rich" and indulgent, and get too much of their world view from social media, they may well think you're going to come out of this totally loaded.

So when they say "you're acting like a poor person" say "well that's divorce for you". Be honest that you're not walking away from the marriage set to live the bountiful life forever more. Tell them to put their hands in their pockets and buy YOU a cocktail.

Say no or give them a budget once it's gone tough if dad pays not your problem

They are old enough to understand that things have changed now you are divorced

be Frank with them, maybe see this as a last holiday as really this is obviously not sustainable

This makes me think of the Jerry Seinfeld interview where he said his young daughter asked him, "Daddy, are we rich?" And he answered, "No, we're not rich. I'm rich. You're not." Time for some straight talking, OP.

Have you taught them the value of money OP? We live an affluent lifestyle but our children were always taught the value of money and to know their privilege. None of them would take us for granted the way your children are, your children sound quite brattish imo.

We really enjoy paying for holidays when we all go together as well as meals and drinks but they’d never expect it, they always offer to pay. Even if I meet any of them for a coffee or lunch they’re always first to pay. You’ve spoiled your children and they’re entitled. BUT you’ve created this, not them. Explain now you’re not married to a rich man you can’t afford to be paying for them.

I think YABU. You and their dad raised them this way.

I can remember saying something similar about my DD when she was a student - I was chatting with my brother and his husband and said that she earned nothing but expected to always eat and drink in the finest places. Later in the conversation I mentioned that when I visited her at uni we always had drinks and dinner in XXX v. famous and grand hotel. My very dear BIL raised an eyebrow and drawled 'I wonder where her expensive tastes come from?'

He was quite right. After that I pulled back a bit and her expectations adjusted accordingly.

I’d be saying, well yes I will be a poor person soon, as I’m going to be giving all my money to charity, and don’t even think about getting a inheritance

Listen, a lot of young people their age will take advantage if they can. I'm probably guilty of having been over-generous with mine too some of the time, and I don't have the means you do.

Do your sons have their own income, ie do they have the means to pay? One of mine does, and is generous. One has no income atm, one has a min wage PT job while studying.

If this is your last family holiday, I am sure you want it to be pleasant and memorable. In your shoes I might be a bit lenient. Maybe eat in less expensive restaurants, and cap the cocktails, or buy them one and then it's up to them.

I'm not sure it's worth creating waves if you only have a few days away together. Draw a line in the sand once you're home.

They’ve only just left education so none are working FT yet, though I’ve always made sure they had PT jobs as I didn’t give them much pocket money

with their attitude then say with your attitude we will be etc

Maybe point out that if you had spent that way you would be a poor person, and so would they!

I voted YABU because you should say no. You should set expectations before you go. If they want cocktails give them spending money for the week and the it's their choice how they spend it.

Same as mine too. They should have some spending money of their own then? Though my elder two would have blown it, and only the youngest is a saver - every £ is a prisoner though!!

I think you might be being a little bit unreasonable. Maybe not, but you indicate that their expectations are ones set by you and your ex as your DSs have grown up. In which case resenting them for it isn’t really fair.

Do they understand about your change in circumstances and have they had to budget for themselves much? Their comment of “you act like a poor person” sounds like they really aren’t aware of how different your life is going to be from how it was as they were growing up.

They are young and haven’t had to really think about the impact of their spending on their long term future, it’s all been about the here and now with a not unreasonable expectation that their income will increase in the near future and with few real responsibilities. This sounds pretty normal for children brought up in a wealthy setting where budgeting and financial planning for a low income situation wasn’t drummed into them.

Some sensible advice up thread about setting budgets and giving them choices within that. I think being more up front with them about the financial situation would be healthy.