Resent my “entitled” sons

[Toffeelover]

I have been a high earner all my life but am now retired (post cancer). Split up with my kids Dad 13 years ago. He never worked post a serious illness (20 years ago)and suffered from depression and addictions so I was always the main bread winner. He lives hand to mouth.
I married again to a wealthy man and we had a good lifestyle but he left me 18 months ago. I’m negotiating a divorce settlement which will mainly provide for my housing and I will live off whatevermy own private pension will provide. I’m 61
i had children late & have 3 DS aged 23,22 and 17.
I’ve always been frugal and a saver but I find the attitude of 2 of my sons quite shocking.
They often ask for takeaways (I say no but their Dad will always provide them) and I’ve just taken them on (admittedly) the last paid for family holiday as they’ve finished their finals/A-Levels.
The problem is, here on holiday, they want the high life and for me to pay. They ask to go to restaurants where it’s €20 per cocktail and they knock them back and also to order expensive food where the bill is €125- €150 per head.
This is a holiday and I’m happy to pay for value but I feel they’re taking the piss a bit.
i think I brought them up better to know the price of things and to value the odd treat, not to take it for granted.
AiBU?

I think you just need to be clear that you're not prepared to spend £££ from now on. I agree it's not on to be so cavalier with someone else's money, so you do need to spell it out. It will make them more thoughtful in future (or you will have to keep reminding them!). They have obviously got used to and enjoyed your generosity and also thinking 'last holiday' means unlimited budget!

At that age my dad was still paying for me but used to get twitchy and complain if I breached what he was willing to pay for. Trying to order an expensive cocktail would have been refused but theg weren't a thing then.

I have been for countless meals with work and family where the parameters of what is acceptable has been made clear. Usually no starters or desserts, main but no sides, 1 drink, maybe 2. Anything else and I can buy it myself.

The cocktail thing is annoying though. Everyone is encouraged to drink these overpriced drinks. I do it myself but I'm starting to get fed up of them. I went out with work colleagues and they all ordered 2 mocktails in one lunch bringing me in way over budget. So now we can't go out again for longer. We'd have been better skipping the overpriced fruit juice and doing the lunch again sooner.

“oh mum, you act like a poor person” which really f••s me off.

I am not surprised that you are feeling narked.
Being careful with money is not acting ‘poor’.

Lavish food & drink last night? Then cheese, crackers & bunch of grapes tonight (& maybe tomorrow) to even out the spending.

As you say, none of them have YET had significant financial responsibilities so maybe there is hope for their future fiscal stability. This is to be their last holiday en famille funded by Bank of Mum, do they know this?

Maybe they would like to see you enjoy yourself, treat yourself well & if that is the case, then it’ll be lovely that they treat you at least once before the end of the holiday. 😉

They're not entitled, they're spoilt. I'm afraid this is on you, you need to set your boundaries and stick to them. Yes they're going to protest and say stupid stuff at first because they're used to walking all over you and up until now, all their manipulation and guilt tripping has worked a treat. Say no, mean it, shrug your shoulders and show them that you really don't give a shit if they're bothered by it. Just like you (hopefully) did when they were tantrumming toddlers.

I speak from experience, as a single mother of 2 young men with a deadbeat father. If they want expensive shit they earn the money and pay for it themselves.

I agree

I was going to say exactly this.

Just tell them no I went on my last family holiday abroad at 17. Was just a Euro camp. My mum paid for the holiday we rarely eat out couldn't afford to. My mum did provide my food we cooked in the tent. But anything else I had to pay for myself. I was on a YTS placement at the time. It went up to £35 when I was 17. I also had to give my mum £10 a week out of that. Out of what I had left I had to clothe myself with as well as socialise with friends and busfairs. I walked most places nobody in my family that lived local drove back then.

38 not late these days but yes they are brats and they despise poor people.hope nothing goes wrong for them in life

Tell them divorce is expensive.... presumably though yes they've lived a higher standard of living previously it's difficult to just turn it off. I'd have words and let them know that life is gone.

This was also my suggestion. Work out how much you can afford per person at the restaurant. Give them each that much in cash and let them work out what to order with it. But make it clear that’s a strict limit. Both avoids them taking the piss and teaches them how to budget/gets them used to paying.

As for them calling you poor, it might help to chat to them about what abject poverty’s really like. The amount (in fact, negative budgets for basics) so many families are living on in the UK right now. Citizens Advice have research. Not to mention the amount most families in the wider world have to survive on. Reining in how many cocktails you order at a restaurant certainly doesn’t make you poor. It makes you highly privileged.

IME this is common in young people of this age. I think social media’s partly to blame. Everyone appears to be living the high life and gross consumerism is celebrated. Kids need to use the internet to learn about the real world and what’s really valuable, e.g. health.

I’ve would have given them a budget and then they can choose how to spend the money.

Your money is ‘free’ their money needs to be thought about.

You’re literally holding the purse strings so others shouldn’t be choosing the location or the spend. You’ve enabled spoilt behaviour if your sons are expecting to choose the venue then make you pay.

You allow them 3 cocktails each, with there being 3 of them and at £20 each, that's £180 on tiny little drinks!

How can they say you're acting like a poor person??? Poor people can't spend that on drinks!

They'd soon change their tunes if you told them they had to pay for drinks and dinner themselves...in fact that's exactly what you should tell them to do from now on.

Oh you are like me, like a bargain. Think when you work hard for money you just hate to see it squandered. I took my kids away on my own earlier in the year and I set everyone a daily budget. It was a bonus holiday and I explained it was a budget one. They were great at sticking to it. Even as a high earner if you are the only earner and a house to run and they have a hand to mouth father you need to be sensible. Hopefully one day they will understand when they have bills of their own to pay.

'oh mum you act like a poor person'
I totally get what they mean by this-
The problem is they can’t unsee that you have/ had money and when they start working and can’t afford the lifestyle they think is a given, they’ll be wondering why their ‘rich’ mum isn’t helping more (as you always see on mn actually!!) As others say just keep saying no but they are going to assume you’re being miserly (which I’d assume must be headwrecking for you!!)

didnt you fancy an all inclusive?

This!
You have to stand up to them and have firm boundaries, nip this in the bud.

They sound a bit clueless about money, as many young adults are. Tell them what the budget is per day on the holiday for food and drink

The sad truth is that if you let someone walk all over you they'll get a taste for it REAL quick.
I think I'd laugh if off and then [serious voice] 'sorry guys I like to stick to a budget' (etc)
I probably wouldn't feel the need to shoot them down in flames at this stage, and that tends to be counter-productive in any case

If they've been at school and university, what sort of students have they been mixing with to expect to spend so much? Guessing private school, but surely the one at university must have mixed with a more varied grtoup of people?

Have they moved out? When they start having to support themselves they will soon learn to be frugal I'm sure.

I believe that the following posted by a previous poster would be the best way to go OP:

'A friend of mine had a similar issue with her teens when on holiday. She dealt with the situation by giving them a daily allowance to cover food, drinks, activities etc. Once they spent it, there was no more — and she stuck to it, because she wanted them to be able to budget.'

Then when getting ready to go out in the evening, just say 'OK lads, how much have you all got left? £100 between you? OK, well we'll have to order within that budget for us ALL tonight, including ME! Where shall we go?' Any moaning, just say, well I haven't spent much today, so I'm going to the posh place, I'll see you when I get back, and then simply walk out. I bet their faces would be a real picture.

@dothehokeycokey “They literally order and walk off and sometimes they don't even say thank you and two of them are adults working full time with a bigger disposable income than myself it really irks me.”

How did that ever reach a plural?!!! 😳
I’m glad you say you’ve closed the bank.

i think I brought them up better to know the price of things and to value the odd treat, not to take it for granted.

I think that statement is at odds with you saying you allow them 3 (three!) £20 cocktails each. You’ve brought them up to think that £60 on a small amount of alcohol is normal.

They don't sound entitled to me. They are still young adults and probably think penny pinching is odd when you're not short of money.

You can't take it with you and that rainy day will probably never come.

Life is for living. Loosen the purse strings a bit, you might enjoy it!