Resent my “entitled” sons

[Toffeelover]

I have been a high earner all my life but am now retired (post cancer). Split up with my kids Dad 13 years ago. He never worked post a serious illness (20 years ago)and suffered from depression and addictions so I was always the main bread winner. He lives hand to mouth.
I married again to a wealthy man and we had a good lifestyle but he left me 18 months ago. I’m negotiating a divorce settlement which will mainly provide for my housing and I will live off whatevermy own private pension will provide. I’m 61
i had children late & have 3 DS aged 23,22 and 17.
I’ve always been frugal and a saver but I find the attitude of 2 of my sons quite shocking.
They often ask for takeaways (I say no but their Dad will always provide them) and I’ve just taken them on (admittedly) the last paid for family holiday as they’ve finished their finals/A-Levels.
The problem is, here on holiday, they want the high life and for me to pay. They ask to go to restaurants where it’s €20 per cocktail and they knock them back and also to order expensive food where the bill is €125- €150 per head.
This is a holiday and I’m happy to pay for value but I feel they’re taking the piss a bit.
i think I brought them up better to know the price of things and to value the odd treat, not to take it for granted.
AiBU?

Cost of living hun. Suck it up.

They havent suddenly become like this

You are being unreasonable to draw a line in the sand during this holiday. It is the last paid for holiday - breathe and enjoy it. THe last thing you want is memories of you all arguing

100% bring it up for future though - but dont throw the holiday back in their faces

go with it, get shit faced with them, its your last chance

My sons used to laugh at me and say I was embarrassing for getting yellow sticker stuff, now they shop for themselves they feel so proud if they get a good yellow sticker bargain and say they now understand why I did it

i think I brought them up better to know the price of things and to value the odd treat, not to take it for granted.

Unfortunately, you didn't.

Their behaviour shows that. This kind of behaviour is men doesn't happen overnight. It's been allowed to develop over years.

There is also a disconnect between what your ex H did and how you (presumably) tried to instil better values in them.

I wonder if that was a part of why you're divorcing? Different values?

You started this last Sunday and haven't been back.

How are you feeling now?

You are being unreasonable to draw a line in the sand during this holiday. It is the last paid for holiday - breathe and enjoy it. THe last thing you want is memories of you all arguing

Whoa- steady on!

Why isn't it her sons who should wind it in and stop behaving like spoiled brats?

Their mum has had cancer, she's retiring and getting divorced (I suppose she posted that for context.)

They are MEN ( apart from the 17 year old.)

Time they started acting like men instead of stroppy spoiled teens.

Are they not working? If they want that lifestyle, let them.pay for it. As a Mum I can understand you want to treat them but yeah they are taking the piss.

I've made it clear to my two that they may have no expectation of any holiday with me that I pay for past the age of 18. I may offer if if suits me and if I am paying, I will be within my budget parameters. They are free to stay home. No bloody way would I be paying for 20 something adults out of my reasonable but not high salary. In any case, I assume they will want to do their own thing with their own friends or partners. From some people, I get the vibe that they almost bribe their children to go on holiday with them with the offer of fancy accommodation, food, drinks etc, which I find a bit strange. I'd rather they want to go and have fun and adventures together in a very normal kind of way or just not bother at all.

I can't imagine not paying for almost everything on holiday while DDs are still in full time education and takeaways and eating out are pretty normal. I don't see why it's an issue if you have plenty of money. I'd be drinking cocktails with them personally.

If you ever happen to go away together again (I know you've said it's the last time but..) I would suggest that you decide in advance what your total spending budget is for meals, drinks etc and then divide that by the number of people going, including yourself, and allocate a portion to each person.

Then, if one of them wants to blow their entire week's budget on cocktails on the first night, that's up to them but don't give them any more money. When it's gone it's gone. Let them decide how they want to spend it.

And there speaks the voice of privilege if you consider the kind of prices the OP is talking about as normal.

I'm from a working class background but I'm a lawyer and I earn a good salary.

I wouldn't go to a £20 cocktails place regularly but maybe one night on holiday, sure.

Lucky them. My dad wouldn't buy me a twenty pound cocktail unless he was having some sort of episode.

Have they been brought up with a wealthy lifestyle?

I have realised recently that while often my children blow my mind with their ‘entitlement’, it’s actually more the fact that for their whole lives we have eaten out multiple times a week, think nothing of ordering expensive cocktails/mocktails etc. So have unintentionally taught them that this is normal life because it’s the only life they’ve lived.

When I live my life, it’s with huge appreciation (often mental wide eyes) and shock as to how we have ended up where we are (not super rich but very good incomes and a really lovely lifestyle). I remember having nothing.

It has taken me a lot of hidden tears, frustration and talking things through with my husband to realise that this isn’t my normal. But it is their normal. So it’s not spoilt or entitled for them to think it is normal and essentially take it for granted….they only know the life they know.

(Caveat, they are kind, considerate and genuinely lovely small people. They just are noticeably used to money not being an issue in terms of how they think. I’m just wondering if it may be a similar issue). If they actually acted like spoilt brats that would entirely change all of the above!

Do they work. They are all old enough to have their own money. My kids would not dream of doing that to me.

This is why they are like it. You have always given them everything. It really does them no good. Yes they have been In Education but they should still work aswell. You have made them this way. Entitled. It's not a nice trait.

Just an aside. You’re getting a really polarised view of everything with this post.

So many people can’t comprehend how anyone can spend £20 on a cocktail. When I go out, I drink cocktails and the price depends on the venue but £12 is comparatively cheap, £18/19 is about what I would normally pay.

Whether this is truly mind blowing and appalling is more to do with what they’re used to. My kids wouldn’t bat an eyelid at £20 cocktails because they, by adulthood, will have had over a decade of watching me order them without batting an eyelid.

It would be pretty crappy of me to then, in a couple of years time, sit utterly appalled at them ordering the same drinks as I’ve ordered all along. I don’t sit and say how expensive my drink is or what a treat it is to be here so why would it feel like that to them?

If your kids have been used to dining in similar places, don’t judge them - they’re a product of the upbringing you’ve given them, for good or for bad!

I doubt they can actually comprehend the impact on all of your lifestyles that these changes will bring. If we divorced, we would absolutely have to both change our standard of living. But I would have to do that while being sensitive to the fact it would be a huge change to the children and all they know.

Kids are largely a product of their upbringing - if you don’t like what you’re seeing, you also need to look at yourself too.

I think you need to be firm in response to these comments, as in "I'm not poor because I'm careful. You however are poor because you're not working full time and don't have much of an income yet. Stop expecting me to fund your lives."

I'd say I'm buying a bottle of wine, if you want anything more you pay for it yourself. If they are better than you expect, buy a round of cocktails on the last night.

What's wrong with saying, only one each because that's all I can afford?! I tell my kids what the budget is when we go out. Next holiday they can pay for themselves.

Well you've earned the money to buy your expensive cocktail, they haven't. Seems pretty straightforward to me. This idea that adult children should have the equivalent lifestyle as their parents is bizarre to me.

The “acting like a poor person” statement is shocking. Especially when it sounds like they are earning nothing!

To give them the benefit of the doubt see how they like managing a budget- I’d be giving them a sensible amount of spending money for the rest of the holiday, then after that it’s gone or they dip into their own savings or manage without. You could say you’ll pay for the food (you decide where you’re going) one drink, after that they pay for their own- and if they don’t like your choice of restaurant they are welcome to go elsewhere but they pay.

Stop with the guilt too, otherwise I can virtually guarantee that you’ll end up with at least one of them still at home into their 30s. Managing finances and living within your means is something you have to teach kids, just as much as swimming/ riding a bike etc.

@Throwaway1234567890000000 I agree that £15-20 for a cocktail isn’t out of the question but honestly how many of those would you have? My friends and I don’t struggle but I’d have 1, maybe 2 and then move on to something like wine which we’d share. And it’s my own money- not someone else’s! Plus it sounds like the OP is very careful in most respects.

I don’t disagree at all when they’re fully functioning adults. But just finished A Levels and just finished uni (they’ll have literally just finished their exams) they’re not fully functioning adults.

If I chose to take my 18 and 21 year old kids who had lived a well off lifestyle alongside us for their whole lives on holiday, I would be doing it on the basis of knowing either - they’ve been working for X hours a week for X weeks/months/years and they knew they needed to save up their own spending money, or they’ve just finished their education and they’re still living off me financially. I’d have known this prior to booking it and would have decided whether to book or not based on that.

But if they’ve, for the past however many years, been used to going away with mum (and stepdad), living the high life and having it paid for, I don’t think immediately after education finishes for one and hasn’t even started (uni) for the other is when they’d be thinking it’s time to be independent. They haven’t had a chance to be.

And again, I just don’t believe they’ve grown up not being indulged and this was out of the norm for them. Again, they’re a product of their upbringing.

As another aside we all see things differently but I can categorically say that we see it as our chosen (chosen being the key point) path in life to give the kids as much as we can for as long as they want or need our assistance. As long as they are in education, working and are decent human beings our financial assistance and just generally ‘treating’ them will continue until they tell us to stop.

I don’t want to be the richest person in the graveyard…!

Lots to be honest! I don’t get drunk beyond merry from them no matter how many I drink whereas wine….🤯