AIBU to be a bit irritated that my managers have made comments on my hair and nails?

[Thelaughingtonepoliceman]

I am in a senior position in a company and am in line for a promotion.

As part of this process I am getting a lot of “constructive feedback” from my line managers on how I perform my role. I am absolutely comfortable with this in principle and some of it is helpful but some of it feels subjective, personal and sometimes a bit unkind. For example a lot of micromanagement of how I appear: comments of my “sense of authority” etc. I understand that this is meant constructively and it’s their prerogative as my employer and I have gone along with everything that they have said with a positive attitude but I privately feel that some of it is petty and trivial and a bit spiteful.

The latest “feedback” request has taken me aback; my managers requested (via a third party) that I need to spend more money on my hair and nails to be promotion worthy.

For context: it’s a client facing role and presentation absolutely is important, no question and I totally accept that. I dress professionally at all times (eg Reiss suits with laundered shirts in winter, smart dress and jacket in warm weather.) I have never been accused of looking scruffy or unprofessional. My hair is a neutral colour, shoulder length and always brushed and maintained: I usually get highlights and a trim once every six weeks. I wear smart shoes apart from on my commute when I wear trainers.

I do have manicures sometimes (mainly once every six weeks). I don’t have the time to do them more frequently than this but my nails are well kept.

By the same token it’s a professional job and not one where aesthetics or style are core to the role. It’s not fashion or a creative job where a sense of fashion awareness is part of the “brand”. My counterparts wear clothes that are similar to mine.

I feel a bit uncomfortable with this. I’m absolutely fine with being reminded that presentation is important but it feels as if this is straying into the territory of communicating to me that I am not attractive enough for the role and I can’t help thinking that my male counterparts are unlikely to be told they need to spend more on hair and nails.

AIBU? Do I just need to take this on the chin? Or am I right to feel a bit offended?

Are men expected to spend money on their hair and nails or can they go to a cheap barber?

Absolutely revolting comment and I’d actually consider reporting it to HR.

Misogynistic bullshit.

I’m pretty sure the men in my company have not had complaints about their hair and nails.

So outdated OP... is it a large professional company? You sound extremely well put together as it is already a lot more groomed than many others. I would be tempted to play along, get your promotion, then be on a look out for a step out of there using your new salary as leverage to get an even better job at a company that doesn't have such stupid views.

And agree - having worked with many c suite professionals I can confirm I have never witnessed them having to prove their dick is landscaped in order to do a job well!

This is awful OP, borderline bullying I would say? Do you have a HR department- I’d certainly be taking this to them?

I mean. A bit of both, really. It's definitely misogynistic bullshit and double standards. On the other hand, they're telling you what it would take for them, a bunch of twats, to promote you.

So you can choose whether to meet their stupid criteria or find work elsewhere.

This is over stepping considerably, Id not be comfortable to be working for a company like this and would be looking elsewhere for promotion.

It’s not a huge professional company, mid-sized. I share your opinion. I am happy to smile and nod at this and quite happy to get nice haircuts and manicures but it has undermined my confidence in the company values.

Your nails aren't promotion-worthy? Jesus wept! What industry is this?

YANBU. I think it’s outrageous.

The HR department is effectively non existent. There is one person who manages this in another country who I have never met.

That is unbelievably appalling.

And wow @Thelaughingtonepoliceman you sound a lot smarter than I am (admittedly not in a client-facing role for a while).

How can they insist you spend more money on your nails wtf? I never have my nails done as I have some that always split due to nailbed damage, and varnish always chips and flakes for me.

I cannot believe I am reading this tbh. I would also suggest reporting it - was it a formal comment in a written report or just an off-the-cuff chat from a manager? tho even if the latter, I still think I would flag. And check out the men's nails eh?

It's awful but I suspect these things aren't unusual in some industries (thinking in particular of a friend who's a partner in a large law firm). It's probably usually unsaid but the expectation will be there. Have you ever read the "How to look expensive" threads on here in style and beauty? They probably want their female partners (or whatever) to look very expensive and glossy.

The men probably are expected to have expensive haircuts and expensive suits, but obviously grooming expectations are always lower for men because sexism.

It's shit but not surprising. Up to you whether you take the steer for the sake of the promotion or whether you take a stand.

(My personal look is less expensive and more "middle aisle at Aldi", so zero judgement and much sympathy here.)

Wow. That is shocking

@Pippa12

we had this shit in the late '80s. I thought it was 'dated' then FFS

where have these dinosaurs been lurking???

id smile & nod

...and furiously job hunt!!!

@clary

It was delivered to me indirectly via another senior team member. Which I thought was a bit odd in itself, like they knew it was a bit off colour.

OMG is this in the UK? That’s appalling. 6-weekly and it’s not enough? Awful.

So annoying especially when men don't have to do the same. I've also seen some senior male colleagues whose nails are dreadful, long or grubby, if not both and unkempt 🙄

Bloody hell. As long as your nails and hair are clean and neat they have no business commenting.

Maybe enquire just how much you should be spending on your nails in order to be considered for promotion (nb I spend pretty much £0 on my finger nails. I keep them filed as short as possible and occasionally paint them with clear or neutral varnish)

Is this feedback from in person by any chance? Sexist claptrap.

How do they know you don't spend a fortune on haircuts every 6 weeks anyway?

You say it was via a 3rd party

Is it possible this person was shit stirring?

Honestly, I’d email them confirming the advice and thanking them for being so frank in their feedback. Ask them to confirm the kind of hairstyle they feel most appropriate and what colours they would prefer you to wear on your nails.

And if they’re stupid enough to take the email seriously and offer suggestions, raise a grievance with the evidence you have. Frankly, I’d be raising a grievance anyway, but always nice if you can get something in writing. But I would also have my CV together and be applying for jobs with less sexist companies.

Are you sure the 3rd party delivering this didn't add the hair//nails?

Is this law by any chance? In some firms it seems to be more important to look the part than be a good lawyer.

I went in house and have climbed the career ladder rapidly despite wearing jeans and trainers most days. It's quality of advice that matters here, which is as it should be